Original Publication Date: 26 September 2012

The sun is shining, the air is warm, and we have almost three months to go before Winter officially arrives. What better time to slough off that unwanted hair and go for a quick dip before the cold sets in?

The Park’s semi-annual Shake for Charity gives you the chance to do just that and benefit a great cause at the same time.

The event will take place tomorrow from 9:00 am until midnight at the Wishing Well and organizers expect a record crowd to attend.

“We had an unusually hot, dry summer and some of us have seen our coats grow to a length we never thought possible,” says Andras Yak, head of the organizing committee. “This is a great opportunity for Park Animals to share this unusual bounty with others.”

And this season’s event, the second of the calendar year, will include some added touches that Yak says he believes participants will enjoy.

“We are very proud to announce that there will be a team of grooming professionals on hand to assist participants after the Shake. If you’re looking for a new hairstyle or you just want to tame your mane, the talented groomers from Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Mane Event, and Tallulah’s Toilettage will be happy to help you, free of charge. It’s all in the spirit of giving,” Yak says.

As usual, volunteers from The Park’s various charities will be on hand to collect hair until midnight. Refreshments will be available, as well, courtesy of The Compost Heap, Florette’s Fine Edibles, and Clowder.

So — come one, come all! Get up and out and shake yourself silly for the benefit of others!

If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!

Original Publication Date: 06 October 2013

Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial in December on one charge of mischief and two charges of assault on a living being, it was announced today. The charges relate to the singer’s alleged defacing of an Oak Tree during the last evening of the Beats of Burden music festival in September.

With his legal representative by his side, the rapper appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon yesterday afternoon. The Justice formally laid the charges, set the date for trial, and placed restrictions on the rapper’s pre-trial travel. The Justice also advised the accused not to spend any long period of time close to Park Trees.

In a short statement that appeared on his web site, the beloved Park musician expressed his disappointment that the matter had to be resolved in court.

“I had hoped to avoid a court trial, but this was deemed impossible unless I confessed to the crimes with which I have been charged and of which I am not guilty,” he wrote. He also thanked his fans and supporters, saying that he hoped he hadn’t let anyone down.

“I believe that my actions on September 16 were misinterpreted and misunderstood and I welcome the opportunity to explain myself to the court and to Park citizens,” he wrote.

On the evening of September 16, the last night of the Beats of Burden music festival, Will. o.be. was arrested after several event attendees said they saw him sharpening his claws on the trunk of an Oak tree behind the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. The Tree, which is a cousin to The Park’s Ancient Oak Tree, was found to be missing a significant amount of bark. Park Police immediately restricted access to the tree and the trunk was subsequently treated by a specialist in the field. The Tree is expected to make a full recovery.

Original Publication Date: 24 September 2015

Hieronymous Hedgehog is the new face of GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

The company announced today that it has signed an agreement with The Park’s much-beloved Hedgehog to produce a series of advertisements that will appear in Park newspapers, magazines, and on television. The ads will commence in October and will run until the end of November.

“We are pleased to announce that Hieronymous Hedgehog has agreed to be the spokesAnimal for our company,” today’s official press release said.

In a short radio interview this afternoon, Hieronymous said he was “pleased as punch” to have been invited to do the ads.

“I’ve been a regular customer of GoUnderground for years, as have most members of my family. I trust them to outfit me for the long Winter, and I’m not being paid to say that,” he laughed.

While this may be Hieronymous’s first commercial venture, it will not be his first encounter with fame. The Hedgehog appeared as a character in the famous Park novel, “The Way to Dr. Bourru,” and he is a regular contributor to The Mammalian Daily’s annual live coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day events.

GoUnderground’s Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, praised the company’s move, calling it a “perfect fit.”

“We all trust Hieronymous and we believe him when he says something. He’s as honest as any Animal can be. He says what he thinks, even when he doesn’t think,” Bongo said. “I’m confident that he will be good for our company and great for our bottom line.”

Original Publication Date: 4 December 2014

With little more than six weeks to go before their term ends, the 2014 Archons have decided to consult Park citizens before they release the revised version of the 2015 budget.

At a press conference yesterday, press secretary to the Archons Balthasar Alouatta confirmed that the Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office (PFO), will be hosting a “consultation event” at the Wishing Well between 10:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. both days this weekend.

“They felt it was important for them to hear what citizens and residents had to say regarding funding in the new year,” Alouatta said. “There have been so many complaints and our last budget was so controversial, it seemed appropriate to take it directly to Park Animals.”

After former Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was relieved of his duties last month, the Archons were expected to table a new budget by the end of November. But that has proven impossible for a number of reasons and the decision was taken to consult “those who are most affected by the budget.”

“The idea of consulting the populace originated with the Archons even though, as the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, they are ultimately responsible for the budget,” Alouatta said.

“They want to hear what Park Animals have to say, but make no mistake. The budget stops with them,” he said.

Original publication date: 30 August 2012

Renowned Park film director and proud University of West Terrier alumnus, Douglas Cheetah, is hard at work on a new documentary that he says will be ready for release in time for the 2013 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

Best known for his controversial 2007 (25 AZ) film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, Cheetah has turned his attention to the interspecial family which, he says, can be found in all parts of the world.

“We think of it [the interspecial family] as existing solely outside The Park and, always, with Humans as part of the mix,” he says. “But that isn’t true at all. I found interspecial families everywhere, including in The Park. And, in many cases, it was because a conscious choice had been made, rather than as a result of some kind of hardship.”

Most interspecial families, he says, suffer from misunderstanding and there is a deep prejudice against them because they are associated with enforced domestication.

“Of course, that is the foundation of many of these families outside The Park,” Cheetah says. “But not all. And among the families I studied, there were several that had no Human members. Some had made the choice to open their homes and families to other species without any prompting; some had done so as a response to some familial or environmental disaster. Either way, these families are not what we in The Park tend to think they are. A great many of them are happy and loving groups who support each other and who have had success in their lives. They are valuable to each other and to the wider world. I think their story is well worth telling,” he says.

Original Publication Date: 10 August 2012

Previously unpublished photographs of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, have surfaced on the gossip web site, headsNtales.

The pictures, which show Jor in some compromising positions, were posted on the site early this afternoon, according to PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization.

PotWatcher says the pictures appeared “without warning and without any mention of their provenance” on the headsNtales site.

“They were just…suddenly there,” said Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Posting the pictures is not technically illegal, though it is, in the words of a spokesAnimal for Park Police, “in poor taste”.

Many of the pictures were taken when George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert, known to Park citizens as “Jor”, was living as a domestic Cat.

“There are pictures of him with Humans, pictures of him playing with small toys and sleeping and eating with what appears to be another domestic Feline,” Gaupe says.

Political analysts have been quick to weigh in on who might be responsible for the posting.

“I think we can safely say that anti-zoocratic forces are at work here,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger. “It’s obvious this is meant to be a blow to Jor’s reputation…a way to discredit him and what he stood for, which is the concept of Animal self-rule.”

Despite requests for clarification from a number of Park newspapers, including The Mammalian Daily, headsNtales has refused to comment on the posting.

Original Publication Date: 21 November 2015

Once known primarily as Tab Tricolore’s main rival, Chef Mikko Tiikeri has come into his own with the opening of his new restaurant, The Feeding Station.

The restaurant, which had its soft opening in late October, welcomed the public for the first time on Thursday night. And what a welcome it was.

To begin with, the new establishment’s interior is stunning, in more ways than one. Last Spring, Tiikeri commissioned the services of Tagma Design, who not coincidentally had just completed Tricolore’s PurrBoy Café at The Park Museum.

The firm, which is known to do cutting edge interiors, went beyond expectations this time. And the results are heartstopping.

The new eatery boasts what Tiikeri calls a new concept for The Park: communal dining. What Tagma did with that concept is likely to give many an Animal pause, especially those who have experienced enforced domestication or come to The Park from a farm. In fact, it took this reviewer a few minutes, after experiencing “fight or flight” syndrome, to settle into the concept.

The bespoke tables span the width of the restaurant and each has thirteen holes carved out of it. It is into these holes that wait staff place bowls of Tiikeri’s fine fare for their diners’ pleasure. Yes, diners sit beside one another while they eat Tiikeri’s delicacies out of their own bowl only.

Tiikeri admits that the concept isn’t all his own and he’s quick to credit Tricolore with introducing The Park to the idea of Animals peacefully eating together. He does take credit for tweaking the idea, though, by stealing a little something from the domestic and industrial worlds.

“Some might say it’s not natural for us to eat in this way and I would agree with them, up to a point. But many of us are used to this, having lived elsewhere, in different circumstances. And there’s an argument to be made that our life here in The Park, with so many species co-existing, is not natural, either,” he says.

Still, Tiikeri understands that many Animals will not want to participate in his new venture. For that reason, The Feeding Station offers an extensive takeout menu, which the chef hopes will whet Animals’ appetites enough to get them to his tables.

With appetizers such as Mélange de Noix, Herbes Béarnaise, and Feuilles de Papier, and mains such as steaming hot Goulash Verde and Camión de Barro, it’s hard to believe it could fail.

One question remains, though, which this reviewer poses at the end of our interview: Just what is the idea behind the main course called “String Theory?”

Tiikeri’s eyes shine and his teeth glisten as he smiles.

“Enforced mastication,” he laughs.

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The Feeding Station is open for dinner only, Monday to Sunday, 6:30 until midnight. Reservations are recommended.

Original Publication Date: 29 July 2013

Four days before the release of the 2014 budget, the Archons announced at a press conference that they have commissioned the construction of a public square to be used for hosting “protests, celebrations, and other events that involve the mass gathering of Park Animals.”

Before taking questions from the media this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed that the Archons had engaged the services of Simply Structures to construct the purpose-built square. Simply Structures is the same firm that was awarded the contract to build a network of signposts in The Park as part of the Archons’ official three-prong tourism strategy. Funding for the square will be made through a one-time payment from the Archons’ Initiative Fund, Alouatta said.

“The Archons view this as a necessary and useful addition to The Park and, as such, it constitutes part of the ongoing modernization scheme,” the press secretary said.

“All modern areas, whether they call themselves Parks, cities or towns, have a designated space for activities such as protests and mass gatherings. In the past, we have used the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond, the Wishing Well, and other such areas, but they have proven inadequate for these purposes. It is with a view to accommodating our growing population that the Archons have embarked on this newest phase of modernization,” he said.

Citizen reaction to the announcement was swift and, largely, negative.

“At the very least, I think, they’re exhibiting a kind of shepherd mentality,” said Jelani Kondoo, who attended the press conference as an observer. “It looks as if they want to herd us into one space so they can control us. They’re giving the Park Police the opportunity to have a lot of power over us, all the while telling us that they’re giving us more freedom and space to gather,” he said.

Others agree with Kondoo’s analysis and some Park groups have vowed to fight against not only the idea of the purpose-built square, but what they call the “irresponsible expenditure” of funds to build it.

“Here we are, facing the largest influx of refugees in The Park’s history, battling inadequate weather, food production problems, shrinking revenue streams, scandals, and problems of all sorts, and they want to use funds to build a square for protests. I think we’d all be better off if they spent more on the necessities of our lives and gave us less to protest about,” said Malinda L. Hamster, President of  The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community.

Original Publication Date: 12 November 2015

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, has signalled its intent to move into the hibernation market.

In an announcement issued today, company president and CEO Balbina Ko confirmed that the successful fashion house will be expanding its reach in the coming year.

“We are excited to announce the birth of two new Holstein Fashion subsidiaries, ‘Nation and ‘Nator,” the announcement said.

The companies, though created at the same time, are not “identical twins,” according to Ko. And, while the announcement was coy regarding the actual future business activities of the two subsidiaries, retail insiders claim the expansion into the hibernation market has been in the works for some time.

“The hibernation market is a very lucrative one, and for the most part, it’s been underserved,” says Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

“I think it fits well with their business model, not to mention their commitment to The Park’s striped and spotted community. It’s taken a few years for Park businesses to realize the market’s potential and, in that sense, HF is a bit of a trail blazer here, but I expect to see more and more of our businesses targeting these consumers in the coming years,” he says.

As it stands, though, The Park’s hibernators will have to make do with our current crop of hibernation outfitters. And that suits them just fine.

“We look forward to meeting their needs,” says Nafari Bongo, Director of Sales for GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

Original Publication Date: 19 July 2016

And the survey says: GoUnderground.

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) announced the results of its consumer survey today and the venerable hibernation outfitter has won the title of “most hospitable Park shop.”

At a short ceremony this morning, PASS president Wellington Whistlepig affixed a plaque to the shop’s façade as he congratulated Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, on the honour.

“We are so pleased that one of the Park’s oldest shops is also the best in customer service,” Whistlepig said.

For his part, Bongo was quick to credit his employees with making hibernation shopping an enjoyable experience.

“We have a great team here and we work hard to make our customers happy,” he said. “We are all committed to responding to the needs of modern hibernators and estivators and we are always on the lookout for the newest and best items to ease our customers’ burden.”

Bongo singled out Hieronymous Hedgehog for praise, as well. Last year, the Hedgehog became the shop’s spokesAnimal as well as The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador.

“Hieronymous has done a fabulous job, and not only for our customers. As the face of hibernation, he’s been able to educate non-hibernators and foster understanding among different species. We are truly lucky to have him working for us,” he said.