The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2016—Gunnar Rotte takes leave of absence from work at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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Extinction AnxietyBeleaguered Rodent Commoner journalist Gunnar Rotte has taken a leave of absence from his job as a counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic (EAC).

Rotte made the announcement on Twitter today, calling the leave “totally voluntary” and stating that it will last until the end of his trial this month. Rotte faces charges of disturbing the peace and inciting violence at a Stereotype Sunday event in August. His trial is scheduled for October 17.

In a statement released this afternoon, EAC head Dr. Berthilidis Strix called Rotte, who has worked there since January, “a valued member of our staff.”

“Gunnar Rotte is a reliable, knowledgeable, and empathetic member of our team and a valued member of our staff. He has proven to be a great asset to the clinic and we look forward to welcoming him back when he is ready to resume his duties,” the statement said.

OTD in 2014—Social media site gewper in talks to produce scented movie: rumour

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GewperThe Park’s social media darling gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) is said to be in talks with producer Egbert Bunzing to bring a scented film to the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) next year.

The social media site, which is owned by RhinoTech, Inc. has enjoyed enormous success since it ventured into scent two years ago. The company’s partnership with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, proved to be a game-changer, according to Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.

“They opened up a whole new world with the ability to smell [those with whom they were interacting] and it has yet to be matched by any other company,” she says.

RhinoTech’s earnings skyrocketed a year after they introduced scent to the site and the company was believed to be working on a project that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace. Tapir says that idea has been put on hold temporarily and they are now looking to break into what she calls “pure entertainment.”

For his part, those who know Bunzing say that he’s been looking for an “edgy” new idea and that this “is right up his alley.” Calls to his publicist, however, have not been returned and repeated requests for RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn to comment on this story have gone unanswered.

OTD in 2015—PFO head Valentina Abeja: “Don’t hesitate! Pollinate!”

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PollinatePark Finance Office head Valentina Abeja took some time off today from talking about her 2017 budget to discuss what she calls her ultimate passion: pollination.

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio’s Sunday morning show, Abeja, who presented her second budget on August 17, strongly encouraged her compatriots to “get out and pollinate for the good of The Park and its residents.”

“I implore all who are able to get out and do your job and pollinate, for the sake of our survival,” she said.

Abeja also took the opportunity to unveil an initiative that she and A.P. Civet, president of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), collaborated on. Called “Pollinators’ Progress,” the initiative helps pollinators keep track of their efforts and rewards them through a points system.

“It’s simple,” Abeja said. “The more points you receive, the more rewards come your way.”

Although Abeja did not elaborate on the nature of the “rewards,” the PFO head was quick to quash any notions that this was a system of payment for pollinators.

“We are not in the business of paying Park citizens to pollinate. Not at all. What we are doing is trying to encourage those who can to get out and do their part for The Park,” she said.

OTD in 2012—Security breach at LynxedIN leaves hundreds vulnerable

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A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.

A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.

“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network.  IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.

Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.

“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”

LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.

“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.

OTD in 2011—New social networking site to offer scent option

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gewpergreenlogoPark Animals who use social networking sites to connect with friends and family will soon be able to avail themselves of a new option. If all goes well with its final tweaking, gewper, set to open its virtual doors on August 1, will offer users the ability to smell those they know and those they might wish to know in the future.

Over a period of more than two years, RhinoTech, Inc., the new site’s developer, has been collaborating with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create what company executives are calling “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world.”

“This new site is nothing short of revolutionary,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a press conference last week.

“For the first time in history, a [social networking] site will be Animal-centric…able to deliver the kind of information that Animals have been asking for and need,” she said.

gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) will allow members to upload their scent to the site’s servers. Those whom members have designated as having the right to do so will be able to download the scent from the site simply by pressing the “Scent” button.

Membership in the site will be free of charge, the spokesanimal confirmed, as will be the scent download.  The site’s developers believe that gewper will be so successful that it will generate enough advertising revenue in its first year to pay for their next online venture: a site that will allow members to touch each other, literally, across cyberspace.  According to RhinoTech, the desire for that feature tops the list in its most recent consumer survey.

“I know many Animals who would just love to be able to butt heads with their friends across the world,” said the RhinoTech spokesAnimal.

OTD in 2017—Mating Dance pre-registration for endangered species begins today

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Giraffes at Mating DanceIf you’re a Park citizen or resident and a member of an endangered species, today is the day to start thinking about registering for the Mating Dance.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety’s reminder, issued this past weekend in a Park-wide media blitz, cautioned participants not to procrastinate. It also warned those intending to use the pre-registration option to expect longer wait times this year, as the popularity of the programme has grown over the past two years.

“When it [the programme] was instituted, we sensed a certain reluctance to participate on the part of those in the endangered community. There was a certain stigma attached to being part of an endangered spacies, but I think this programme, along with the [Endangered Species] Benefits Programme, and the wonderful work being done at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, has changed that significantly,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

Pre-registration for the May 5 event begins today at ten o’clock at the DWBS offices. To take advantage of the full programme, which includes genetic and psychological counselling, all Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).

OTD in 2007—Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

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The recent death of a Squirrel has alerted The Park’s medical community to the necessity of implementing measures to deal with the possible onset of a panzootic, according to a spokesAnimal for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

Kostas Apollonios Eusebios Squirrel died on 26 March as a result of Small Ball Fever, six days after he had extensive contact with a small ball which he imported to The Park from a local field.

An internal memo from the DWBS, made available to this newspaper, reveals that the likelihood of a small ball fever panzootic is greater this year than in previous years, in large part because of the proliferation of small balls in the communities surrounding The Park.

Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, the number has increased tenfold. Experts say this is due, primarily, to the early onset of warm, sunny weather.

“Small balls are the bane of our existence,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the DWBS. “We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” he said.

Small balls were first sighted in The Park more than a decade ago, but their number has grown exponentially over the past five years. The balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The DWBS’s Kakapo was quick to assure Animals that the Department is doing everything in its power to limit the spread of Small Ball Fever and to protect The Park’s population from a panzootic.

For more information, please consult The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.” 

OD in 2016—Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

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TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

OTD in 2018—Is your spell check software specist?

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As Park residents continue to embrace Human-made technology (HMT), experts have voiced concern about its psychological effects on Animals.

At a two-day conference at the University of West Terrier this past week, faculty members from the Torgeir School of Information Technology and the Departments of Psychology and Interspecial Studies discussed a variety of problems related specifically to language found in software used for word processing, texting, and email.

“The problem with much of the software, particularly with tools such as spell check and autocorrect, is that it still is not configured to deal with many of the nuances of Animal life,” technology expert Llewellyn Fox told the conference attendees.

Fox is an adjunct professor of technology at the University of West Terrier and president of the computer consulting company Quick Brown Fox Technologies, S.A.

Citing examples from his bestselling book, “The Lazy Dog’s Guide to Technology,” Fox lamented the dearth of Animal-appropriate software and laid the blame for many of our youth’s problems—including low self-esteem—on the species that developed it.

“The problem is that certain features of the applications, which have been designed by and for Humans, are what he termed “Humano-centric.”

“Their core functions appear to be trans-special,” he emphasized, “and, as such, they are easy for the average Animal to use, but this is deceiving.” The trouble occurs, he said, when some of the applications’ tools are used.

As an example, Fox pointed to what he considers a glitch in spell check and autocorrect, tools that are used in word processing and, more importantly, in texting and email functions: “No matter what species you key in, the word processor supplies the initial letter in the lower case. This, as we know, is the grammar of Humans, but it is not the grammar of Animals.”

“Some Animals might not see this as anything more than a nuisance,” he admitted. And, of course, the software can be set to change a lower case Animal name to an upper case one manually.

But the problem is less a practical one and more a matter of attitude, he told the academic gathering. And his colleagues seemed to agree.

“It’s not just a matter of a capital letter here or there. This is but one small example. Our young are now being raised on this software, and already they’ve started to write the way Humans do—partly because it takes less effort to let the software dictate the way you express yourself.”

Additional areas of concern that Fox discussed at the gathering were the dictionary and several other language tools. These functions, he said, provide the user’s vocabulary.

“It’s not so much a problem with the words that the software does supply,” he emphasized. “My complaint is that Animals are likely to be told by this software that the words they key in—that they use in everyday speech and writing—do not exist.”

Fox is not alone in being wary of Human software. Several newspapers in The Park, including The Mammalian Daily, have successfully negotiated with software companies to offer a choice of different Animal dictionaries in their word processing software. But not all Animals are even aware they have a choice.

“We tend to use what’s put in front of us and that soon becomes the norm. It becomes all that we know,” Fox said.

OTD in 2017—Conspiracy theory or fact? Developers blame app failures on weather makers

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squirrel-with-gpsThe Park’s technology companies have launched the latest salvo in their ongoing war with weather makers and food growers.

In a full-page statement published today in most major newspapers, SINCAP and GVC De-Techt, two of The Park’s largest technology companies, accused the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) of manipulating the weather so as to render their food apps unreliable.

According to the statement, over the past two weeks, the food apps known as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker have been unable to determine accurately the location of Spring bulbs. Their makers claim the WMPSAP deliberately purchased weather last year so as to undermine the reliability of their products and the trust of the companies’ customers.

“It is our belief that the members of the WMPSAP took it upon themselves to purchase weather for late Winter/early Spring that would confound our food-finding applications and thus undermine our business,” says the statement which is signed by SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava and GVC De-Techt CEO R.A. Vole.

The statement goes on to accuse the WMPSAP of colluding with the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to bring down the technology that both groups feel is a threat to their existence.

“It appears that our inability to come to an agreement regarding our rôles in the production and procurement of food in The Park has led both these groups to take aggressive action against us. We call on them to cease this illegal activity immediately,” the statement concludes.

Neither the WMPSAP nor the SCPCPGF has responded to the statement.

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, says both companies have been “swamped” by complaints from customers who purchased the apps last year.

“Most of the complaints are that the apps have turned up nothing,” Tapir says. “But some are more concerning, in that purchasers have been led astray, into some dangerous areas outside The Park. Whatever the cause, these problems need to be addressed immediately.”

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