On This Day—September 14, 2015: Alert: Harmonious Hannah missing after tumultuous Sunday in The Park
Harmonious Hannah has gone missing.
The five and a half foot tall stuffed Animal—one half of the “harmonious pair” introduced in July by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS)—was last seen yesterday during The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday, according to a DWBS alert.
The alert, which was issued at six o’clock this morning, said Hannah was last seen at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at approximately five o’clock in the afternoon.
“It has been reported by one witness that the last time Hannah was seen was at approximately five o’clock. She was sitting with three young Elephants and a newborn Giraffe,” Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.
Hannah and her working partner, Harmonious Humphrey, were introduced to Stereotype Sundays in July as part of a DWBS initiative to promote interspecial harmony among The Park’s youth.
Yesterday’s Stereotype Sunday was a particularly tumultuous one, with a raucous crowd and a dazzle of Zebras protesting against SCENTient Beings singer Faramund Stinktier.
“It was so busy, we hardly knew where to look to keep the peace,” said Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub.
Police say they have no leads as yet but they are appealing to all Park residents to keep their eyes open for Hannah.
“Any Animal who has knowledge of her whereabouts should contact Park Police or the Department of Well-Being and Safety immediately,” said Park Police officer Gareth Shepherd.
The DWBS describes Hannah as “six and a half feet tall, with a black back and a white stomach and chest, deep set eyes, black ears, a black nose, pink footpads and toepads, and a perpetual smile on her face.”
On This Day—September 13, 2016: PMoCA unveils Slow Art Movement painting in honour of Park’s estivators
Slow artist Heike Slak’s “Beacon”
Tomorrow marks the official end of estivation. It’s time to welcome back the friends we haven’t seen for over two months and to move into The Park’s busy Autumn social season.
But even though a large number of Park Animals will be coming out of a state of torpor tomorrow, estivation traditionally has not received as much attention as its Winter counterpart, hibernation.
All that is set to change in the coming years and the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is leading the way.
Tomorrow evening, in honour of our estivating citizens, the PMoCA will unveil a painting by slow artist Heike Slak.
The painting, which bears the title, “Beacon,” was commissioned last year by the museum.
“This is the first work by a slow artist that we have displayed. We are very proud to hang this painting in the PMoCA in honour of our estivators. and we look forward to a long and happy relationship with the Slow Art Movement,” the museum’s head curator Aamuun Maroodiga told the press this morning.
Slak, who will come out of estivation tomorrow, delivered the painting to the museum at the end of May. Maroodiga confirmed at the press gathering that Slak will attend the unveiling tomorrow evening.
On This Day—September 12, 2016: The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today
“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.
“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.
“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”
The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.
“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.
As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.
But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.
Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.
As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.
“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.
This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.
Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.
As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.
With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.
The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.
All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.
On This Day—September 11, 2015: Zorro sentence: One month in jail, five years of repayment to community
BREAKING NEWS
Seated beside his lawyer Pernilla Varghund, Raimundo Zorro showed no emotion this afternoon as he awaited the arrival of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. And although he respectfully stood when the Superior Court justice finally entered the courtroom, he said only one word during the entire thirty-minute process.
Before announcing his sentencing decision, the justice asked Zorro, whom he found guilty in late August of inciting hate by hosting the SplotchWatch web site, whether he had had any change of heart since he was charged last April.
Zorro stood again and whispered, “Yes,” but did not elaborate any further.
In his preamble to the sentencing, Justice Dindon reiterated his horror at what Zorro had done and the potential it had to undo the many years of work that had led to zoocracy.
“You are not sufficiently young to be ignorant of the consequences of what you were doing,” the justice said.
“Nor are you sufficiently old to have done it with a view to undermining our system of government or the peace and prosperity that we cherish in The Park. I am forced, therefore, to conclude that you, sir, acted with malicious intent only toward a group of Animals that, as far as I can tell, has never done you any harm.”
For this reason, the justice said, he deliberated for a long time, seeking to find a sentence that would encourage Zorro to reconsider his views as well as allow him to “redeem himself” in the eyes of the community that he harmed.
The full sentence handed down by Mr. Justice Dindon is as follows:
- one month of incarceration beginning today (September 11, 2015)
- a full five years of volunteership on a rotating basis: one month at a time at each of The Park’s charities, with double the amount of time spent at charities that promote the equality of striped and spotted Animals
- five years of supervision by court-appointed staff
In addition, Zorro is prohibited from hosting any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.
When the justice had concluded, Zorro said nothing and was removed from the courtroom by staff and led to the Park jail, where he will spend the first month of his sentence.
On This Day—September 10, 2016: WINK: Most controversial opening film ever for PIFF 2016
If controversy is a predictor of success, then award-winning director G.D Zebra’s WINK is set to be the most successful opening film ever at The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).
PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot announced the opening choice this morning at a press conference outside the Park Cinema. It didn’t take long for the hoots and howls to begin.
Flanked by the film’s director and one of its stars, Willem Leopard, Ocelot fielded questions from Park media while she ducked stones, sticks, and balls of mud. It is not clear whether these were intended for her or for Zebra and Leopard.
The film, which was produced by Kevin Kodkod (of Black Cats Can’t Jump fame), follows a group of striped and spotted Animals for a period of three years—before, during, and after they have their stripes and spots removed. The film records for “posterity and illumination” the group’s experiences, feelings, and fears—both as Animals of pattern and then as solid-coloureds.
Included in the film are interviews with popular Park musician and anti-stripe-removalist ZEAL, anti-sortitionist and self-described “naturalist,” director Douglas Cheetah, and SCENTIENT Beings composer and father of Reekabilly music Faramund Stinktier, who announced his transition to a Zebra last year.
Ocelot said the October 1 gala screening would be the film’s début.
“There be no sneak preview or even a trailer release,” she said.
The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) runs from 1-5 October 2016.
On This Day—September 9, 2014: Data Tree hacking: Police issue update
At a press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued an update on the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.
Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Addax confirmed that data Retrievers working for the private firm AROO had recovered enough data to confirm that Humans were involved in the hacking.
“The data, in combination with the debris that was recovered from the site by my team, confirm beyond any doubt that Humans were the perpetrators of the crime,” the ASIS head told reporters.
Also in attendance at the press event was Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The Squirrel’s firm stored most of their data in the Tree, which is believed to be more than 70 years old.
“They [the data Retrievers] were able to retrieve much of our client data and for that we are extremely grateful, but this has been a very challenging few months for us and for our customers,” the Squirrel said after the press conference.
When asked whether the investigation was now considered closed, Addax admitted that options were limited, but denied that Police had formally closed the investigation.
“No, we consider the investigation to still be open, but the sad fact is that we have no control over Humans. We cannot prosecute them, either inside or outside The Park and we cannot recover damages from them. Our only options are to try and prevent such things from happening again and to that end, we are working to develop new security policies. The investigation will remain open until we have these policies in place,” he said.
On This Day—September 8, 2014: The Does of Peace: typo in job ad nets Park Police new peacekeeping group
First it was the missing letter in “Beasts” that turned the annual charity music festival into the “Beats of Burden.”
Now a typo in the recruitment announcement sent out by the Doves of Peace has gifted the Doves and Park Police with a “welcome addition”: a brand new group of peacekeepers called the Does of Peace.
At a press event this morning, representatives of the Police and the Doves announced the formation of this new group.
“This is another case of serendipity,” said Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub.
“The Does of Peace, whom we hired during our recruitment weekend, are a most welcome addition to our peacekeeping force.”
No one doubts they are welcome now, but that wasn’t quite the case during the last weekend of August.
When Park Police’s wholly autonomous peacekeeping group put out a call for prospective hirees to join the Doves of Peace, the announcement read, instead, “Does of Peace.”
But it seemed that no one noticed, save for the female Deer who swarmed the Ancient Open-Air Theatre in search of employment.
“They arrived with some of the most impressive résumés we’ve ever seen, and a great deal of experience in peacekeeping, both in the outside world and in The Park,” Golub said.
At a loss for what to do, Golub arranged for interviewers to talk to the Does and explain the mix-up.
“But what I noticed, as we turned them away…they weren’t angry. They seemed understanding. Disappointed, but understanding. And, I thought, ‘why am I turning away some of the best peacekeepers I’ve ever met?'”
So, after extensive consultation with Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, the decision was made to form an adjunct group to help keep peace in The Park.
In addition to their regular duties, Golub says, the Does will take over from the Doves during migration season.
“It works perfectly with our schedule and now that we’ve done it, I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.”
And, fittingly, the Does of Peace will make their first professional appearance this coming weekend, at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.
On This Day—September 7, 2015: Park innovators to watch: Bulb Beacon
Last in a series
Just in time for the Fall planting season, SINCAP Technologies has finally released its much anticipated challenger to GVC De-Techt’s TulipTracker: Bulb Beacon.
More than a decade in the making, according to company president Peppi Orava, this latest app promises to be everything Animals have ever wanted in a bulb detection system.
“We may not have been the first out of the gate, but we’re by far the best,” Orava said in a pre-launch interview last week. “We will be the go-to app for bulbs of every sort in a matter of weeks.”
Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, agrees.
“High tech of this sort isn’t just about invention,” she says matter-of-factly. “It’s about communication and paying attention, in every sense of the word.”
Over the past decade and a half, that’s just what SINCAP has been doing: paying close attention to what Animals have been asking for. This year, they were finally able to offer it—all of it— and wrap it up in a very neat and easy-to-use package.
“We’ve known for years how to detect flower bulbs and we know how to alert Animals to danger. But before Bulb Beacon, no company had put those two things together. That’s what they’ve been working on for so long and now they can offer it to Park residents at a reasonable cost,” Tapir says.
Without giving away any details of the company’s proprietary technology, SINCAP’s Orava rhymes off the app’s unique features, all of which are very impressive. But one of them stands out for her.
“Yes, Bulb Beacon will find every bulb in the area within a few minutes. But our unique silent alarm system will also keep you safe,” she says proudly.
That safety feature is what makes Bulb Beacon shine above all the other bulb detection apps, says TikTekTok’s Tapir.
“If your app does only one thing…such as finding flowers, that’s good. But these days, that’s not good enough. Safety has become a major issue in every part of our lives but perhaps nowhere is it more important to us than when we are out on food-finding missions. SINCAP has found itself in the right place at the right time with this one,” she says.
On This Day—September 7, 2012: Specist signs appear on Park fences
Park Police today initiated a house-to-house search for the “pawpetrator” of one of The Park’s most heinous crimes: the posting of specist signs on the northwest side of the fence. The signs, which bear the message, “No Dogs Allowed,” were discovered early yesterday morning by Winifred D. Raccoon, as she made her way along the fence, en route to her job as manager of the popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap.
At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed rumours that the signs were “paw-painted” and fastened “unprofessionally” to the fence. The signs have been sent to the forensics laboratory for pawprint testing and for other tests that might help identify the origin of the paint and poster board. Results of that testing will be made available within a few days, he said.
In another shocking revelation, Chief Inspector Addax confirmed that a second set of signs had been discovered. These signs, which prominently display a Dog whose body has been marked with an “X,” were discovered on a series of posts a few feet from the original site. No lettering appears on these signs but, said C.I. Addax, “there is evidence that these signs were produced professionally, probably at one of a number of print shops that we know to exist outside The Park.”
Also fielding questions at the press conference was Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the newly-formed Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU). The unit, which is an independent division of the SHCU, has as its mandate the investigation into “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”
Inspector Fossa implored the public to “remain calm and optimistic” in the face of this latest incident.
“We know that tensions are running high [in The Park] at the moment, but we encourage you to remain calm and optimistic that the pawpetrator of this crime will be apprehended and brought to justice in due course.”
In addition, she stressed that, “Nothing is to be gained by jumping to conclusions regarding the species or identity of the said pawpetrator.”
In his concluding remarks to the press, C.I. Addax announced that the SHCU had appointed Lamia Bonobo to act as official liaison between the police units and Park residents.
“We believe that the appointment of Mr. Bonobo will relieve some of the anxiety of the local populace and, at the same time, facilitate the free flow of information,” he said.
This article originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily.
