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OTD in 2015—Food insecurity to become Park Animals’ biggest challenge: DWBS

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Park RaccoonFood insecurity is the next big challenge Park Animals will face, according to a report released today by The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press conference held at his office this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo discussed the findings of the new report, “Sources of Sustenance.”

According to the report, which was commissioned two years ago by the Archons and the DWBS, sources of food for Park Animals will become scarcer in the next few years. The report cites a number of reasons for this finding, chief among them the “increasing ingenuity displayed by the Human species.”

“It is our sad duty to report that the Human species is more intelligent than previously believed. It has developed ingenious tools to hide and, therefore, hoard its food. There will come a time in the not too distant future when our success in sourcing food outside The Park will depend mainly on Human error,” the report concludes.

Humans are not the only reason for the prediction of food shortages, though. Other reasons cited in the report include weather changes, imprudent planning, budget shortages, and lack of innovation in food sourcing.

“We have relied too heavily on old methods of gathering food,” Kakapo said the report warned. “We are at a crossroads and we need to encourage innovation in this area.”

While the report may appear to paint a bleak picture of The Park’s future ability to fulfil its own food requirements, Kakapo cautioned against seeing it as entirely negative.

“New technology, such as TulipTracker, BulbBeacon and other applications demonstrate that the ingenuity of Park Animals is equal to the task. We have faith in our own intelligence and our ability to deal with these upcoming challenges,” he said.

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacked: Park Police

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tree hackedOne of The Park’s oldest and largest Data Trees has been hacked, according to Park Police.

In a statement issued at ten o’clock this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed that his team is investigating the “extensive damage” to the tree that is estimated to have occurred between midnight and seven o’clock this morning.

The Oak Tree, which is believed to be at least 70 years old, was last visited at eleven o’clock last night by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners.

“We keep a lot of our raw data in that particular tree,” said the Squirrel, whose company has held long-term leases on several Park trees since 2004.

The Squirrel said he was at the tree “no more than five minutes,” which was enough time for him to check on his stored data.

“It was all there when I arrived and it was all there when I left,” he said.

But this morning, the Squirrel was shocked when Police arrived at his office to tell him that it no longer was there.

“None of it,” said Squirrel, who is now facing the daunting task of informing his clients that their information — and their savings — have been compromised.

Although Chief Inspector Addax would not reveal details of either the evidence or the investigation, he did confirm in a telephone interview this morning that he had spoken with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU), an independent division of the SHCU, and that she had agreed to lend some of her unit members to the investigation.

OTD in 2004—Studies Confirm: Sleeping Dogs Most Likely to Lie

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Sleeping Dogs are likely to lie.

That fact, borne out by a new set of studies at the University of West Terrier, will likely come as no surprise to anyone who has ever awakened a sleeping Canine.

The results of the studies, which will be published later this month in the prestigious journal, Eureka, are the fruit of five years of intensive labour in the Sleep Laboratory of UWT’s School of Medicine.

The studies, say investigators at the University, are the first of their kind to be performed at an accredited research facility in The Park.

Among their findings, the researchers noted that the most surprising was the extent to which Dogs are likely to embellish their life story while under the influence of sleep.

“Everybody embellishes from time to time,” said researcher Nicholas Antelope. “But this was truly amazing. Mixed breeds would give a thorough account of their purebred history, down to the awards and ribbons their sires and dams had won and Retrievers would claim to be vicious guard Dogs”.

The most common subject of the lies, to no one’s astonishment, was food.

“Humans who live with Dogs notice this all the time,” said one clinical assistant. “When they wake up, they say they haven’t eaten. And if someone else comes home, they tell them the same story. The amazing thing is, the Dogs really believe it, themselves — if they’ve been asleep.”

When asked about the impetus for the study, researchers were quick to credit serendipity.

“The findings themselves were very much a coincidence,” says Simone Gibbon, the study’s chief researcher. “We decided to do a formal study when we noticed a certain pattern emerging among the Dogs we were treating for insomnia in the Sleep Lab.”

While UWT’s team was the first to investigate this phenomenon, it is expected that others will soon follow suit.

“We look forward to seeing our research replicated elsewhere,” Gibbon said.

OTD in 2004—Peony Power: how Ant Intelligence saved the lives of a Queen and her colony

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peonyNever underestimate the power of a flower.

That is the advice of Eleanor J. Ant, whose ASIS detachment, the Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), has been credited with preventing the destruction of at least one of The Park’s Ant colonies.

The five hundred SUB members made Park history this Spring when, cloaked in bouquets of Peonies, they entered the dwellings of Humans who were under investigation by ASIS. Once inside, they located the devices that experts believe are responsible for the recent outbreak of Ant deaths in The Park.

“There is no question that this was our most dangerous operation to date,” explained Annick G. Ant, who heads the elite task force.

“We went in knowing that our survival depended on those Humans’ beliefs [in the symbiotic relationship between Ants and Peonies]. As far as they knew, our job there was to open the Peony buds by eating away their waxy coating. If they had known what our real mission was, I don’t think any of us would have made it out alive.”

While other details remain top secret, both Annick G. Ant and ASIS head, C. Astrid H. Ant, attribute the success of the mission to the training that SUB members received in the AntTICS programme (Ant Tactics for Intelligence and Clandestine Surveillance).

“The success of this operation underscores the value of that programme,” the ASIS head declared.

OTD in 2004—Ant Intelligence uncovers plot to kill Queen

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The work of an elite task force has prevented the destruction of at least one Ant colony in The Park, authorities announced this week.

At a press conference held yesterday, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of the Agency’s Select Undercover Brigade (SUB) had been deployed in a covert action that involved infiltrating several Human homes outside The Park.

The crack team of five hundred used the buds of Peonies as cover in order to penetrate the homes of suspected Ant killers, the ASIS head said.

“It is well known throughout The Park that Humans believe there is a causal connection between Ants and the opening of Peony flowers. This belief enabled us to enter the homes without arousing the suspicion of their owners,” she said.

The cadre of Ants was given the go-ahead to perform the action after an unusually high number of Ant deaths was reported. A preliminary investigation revealed that these Ants, who were workers in a field colony, had suffered the fatal effects of poisoning upon their return from a food-gathering expedition outside The Park.

Around the same time, ASIS agents, who were stationed near the north-west fence of The Park, reported an elevated level of “chatter” that suggested that Humans had been involved in the Ant deaths.

“We heard it through the grapevines,” said an agent who wished to remain anonymous.

Following the SUB’s successful infiltration, Park Police Dogs were deployed on a “search and snatch” mission. Within a short time, the Dogs were able to recover a large number of devices whose sole purpose, according to experts, is the destruction of the Ant colony.

“These are not ‘bait and trap’ devices,” said the ASIS head at an interview following the retrieval of the devices. “These devices were specifically intended to kill the Queen and, hence, destroy the colony.”

Despite evidence of Human involvement in the Ant murders, Park Police say they have no intention of laying charges.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction, at this time, to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

OTD in 2015—PFO head Valentina Abeja: “A budget is a very emotional thing.”

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Valentina AbejaSpeaking candidly in an interview with Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros on Monday, the head of the Park Finance Office explained the delay in tabling a 2015 budget:

“A budget is a very emotional thing,” said Valentina Abeja, whose two-year tenure as PFO head began February 15.

“A budget speaks to every Animal’s priorities and hopes for the future, every Animal’s identification with its own species and our collective desires for all Park citizens. The PFO head needs to be mindful of the needs and aspirations of each and every one, while acknowledging the immense diversity of The Park’s citizenry.”

Asked whether the delay in tabling a budget would affect The Park’s economy, Abeja’s demeanour changed dramatically, from one of openness to one that Tavros later described as “more befitting a leader.”

“I can tell you that we have in no way jeopardized The Park’s economy by our thoughtfulness and caution,” she said bluntly. “I have tremendous faith in the resilience of our economy and in our citizenry,” she concluded.

OTD in 2017—The Park’s new frontier: focus of UWT conference will be population control

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UWT COATSpring has sprung and our thoughts turn naturally toward new growth. But this year, the thoughts of academics at the University of West Terrier, will be turning in the opposite direction.

At an upcoming conference, entitled,  ”Population Control: The Park’s New Frontier,” UWT scholars from a number of departments and faculties will be discussing a subject they admit is controversial: controlling The Park’s population.

“It’s not something that’s popular to talk about,” admits Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at UWT’s School of Medicine. “But, with our rising population and diminishing resources, there is a pressing need.”

Morsa, who is known for his study of population control methods outside The Park, says that after thirty-five years of zoocracy, it’s time for us to plan our future and discussing population growth is part of that.

“In many ways, it’s a sign of our success that we are bringing this issue to the conference table,” he told Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

Morsa says it’s time for the Archons to put together a population plan that balances immigration and reproduction. But he admits that such a plan has never been devised anywhere, including in the Human world.

“That is both a problem and a challenge that I believe we’ll be able to rise to,” he says.

Still, Morsa admits it won’t be easy.

“We realize there will be many who’ll say we’re infringing on their basic rights, but we have no intention of doing that. We’re looking at developing an educational programme that will explain to Park Animals that smaller families are better for them, for the environment, and for The Park,” he says. “We’re hoping that, in the end, it will be their decision to limit their number of young.”

To read the full UWT announcement about the conference, click here.

OTD in 2015—Holstein Fashion lends its support to The Park’s striped and spotted citizens

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Holstein FashionHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, is lending its name and support to The Park’s striped and spotted Animals, it was announced today.

In a post on the company’s web site, Balbina Ko, the President and CEO of Holstein Fashion, explained the company’s bold move:

“Our company ‘Designs by Holstein’ owes a great deal of its success to our striped and spotted customers, whom we love and respect. For that reason, among many more, we feel we cannot in all conscience profit from our spots while ignoring the plight of others with spots and stripes.

To that end, we have established the charity we call EQUALSS. The goal of our charity is to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park. We sincerely hope all Park Animals will join us in this endeavour.”

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Ko explained the driving force behind the company’s decision.

“As a company, we’ve always supported the equality of all species in The Park. After all, that’s the foundation of zoocracy. But recent events and the establishment of that horrid web site [SplotchWatch] made us realize that we could be far more vocal about our support than we have been. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to play a leading rôle in the business community and we hope others will join us,” she said.

Ko said the company’s first move will be the production of a line of striped and spotted coats, socks, and boots.

“The design has been finalized and we expect to be able to begin production this month,” she said.

Proceeds from the sale of these items will go to a special EQUALSS fund that will aid the striped and spotted in finding employment, as well as in fighting the discrimination that has been well-documented over the past few years.

“Footpad Heaven has already signed on to stock this new line and we are currently negotiating with a number of other Park shops to do the same,” Ko confirmed.

“We also have a commitment from Appaloosa Legal Services and we are trying to bring the Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff on board as well,” the CEO said.

In addition to the outerwear initiative, Ko said her company plans to become “actively involved” in The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, perhaps producing what she calls a “learning tool” for the weekly occasion.

“We are looking very seriously at that,” she said. “If Animals volunteered to spend a day in the coat of a striped or spotted Animal, perhaps they’d think a bit differently about the issue afterwards.”

OD in 2016—Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

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TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

OTD in 2015—PMoCA to exhibit Domestic Feline Art

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Domestic Feline ArtThe Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) announced today that a new exhibition of Domestic Feline Art will open this Summer. The exhibition will be the first under recently-appointed head curator, Aamuun Maroodiga.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, Maroodiga said she chose domestic art for her first outing as curator “because it is so far removed from my own experience.”

“I wanted to remain at a distance from the art of my first exhibition,” she said.

Maroodiga, who spent many years teaching the Tuskan technique at the Hani Gajah School of Art, went on to say that domestic art makes her “uncomfortable…in a good way.”

“It takes me so far out of my comfort zone, that I have no choice but to put myself in the place of the domestic Animal and wonder, ‘How would I cope in this situation?'”

The head curator said the museum will draw from many different art forms: paintings, sculpture, performance art, among them.

“And we will be showcasing larger Felines as well,” she said. “Lions and Tigers…Felines whom we don’t usually associate with domestication, but who suffer from and with it nevertheless.”

The new exhibit, which has yet to be named, will open in the Summer.

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