The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—”All Our Lines Are Busy:” Park Museum to host fundraiser for its music gallery

By

All our lines are busy

“All Our Lines Are Busy.” Full staff represents the importance of music in Park life.

The Park Museum will host a fundraiser on February 29, 2016 in support of its as-yet-unopened music gallery.

In an announcement today, the museum’s Board of Governors invited all Park Animals to “a spectacular night of song, dance, food, and fun.” All proceeds, according to the announcement, will go toward the completion of the music gallery.

A spokesAnimal for the Board said the evening’s theme of “All Our Lines Are Busy” is meant to reflect the importance of The Park’s vibrant arts community and, in particular, its musical one.

“From the beginning, music has been a very important component of our life here,” said the spokesAnimal. “The Board of Governors, as well as many others, believe that music is fundamental to zoocratic life. Without a full [musical] staff, we would not be The Park that we are.”

The Board has requested that those attending respond at rsvp@parkmuseum.info.

The museum’s invitation may be read here.

OTD in 2012—Caution is key to safety this holiday season: DWBS

By

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its annual seasonal advisory, warning Animals to beware of Humans who display certain characteristics that “might prove dangerous down the road.”

The advisory, which was issued on December 20, warns Park Animals against associating with Humans who display overly-friendly behaviour toward them or who take an “interest in their life circumstances that goes beyond normal friendship.”

“We are advising Park Animals always to be aware, to listen carefully and be observant of Human behaviour, especially during the holiday season,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

The advisory warns Animals to be on the lookout for Humans who say they are seeking “animal companionship” and who try to entice them with food, or who make cooing noises at them or call them by names such as “cutie” and “sweetie.”

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans. Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642

OTD in 2014—Police lift ban on travel outside Park, DWBS issues annual travel advisory

By

Think Safety on Red Puzzle.BREAKING NEWS
In a tersely-worded statement released early this morning, Park Police announced an end to the ban on travel outside The Park.

“We are pleased to announce that the ban on travel outside The Park, imposed on December 8, has been lifted. At this time, however we would like to warn all Animals travelling outside our borders to be cautious and aware and, if possible, not to travel alone,” the statement says.

Shortly after the Police statement was released, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) issued its annual travel advisory, warning Animals to be vigilant when interacting with Humans at this time of year.

“At all times, but especially during the holiday season, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans, particularly if they are exhibiting sentimental behaviour,” the advisory warns.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship’ or say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

OTD in 2012—Doves of Peace appear at Celebration of Winter Solstice

By

Setting aside their dispute with Park administration for a day, The Park’s Doves of Peace appeared at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

“It was a very generous thing to do, considering the intensity of their feelings on the matter,” said Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Kanariar also confirmed that, after consulting with the Department of Well-Being and Safety as well as with Park Police, her Department decided to keep Police presence at the event “minimal and discreet.”

“Perhaps that was one of the reasons they were willing to attend,” she said.

The Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, usually attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. On November 15, however, they initiated a strike to protest against and to shed light on what they called The Park Police’s “heavy-handed tactics” at recent events. As a result of the strike, Winter Solstice celebrants expected the Doves to stay away from this year’s event.

“Their appearance was “one of the greatest surprises of the day,” said Dewi Beruang, who has attended every Park festival this year.

“They said there were going to be surprises, but I don’t think they had the Doves in mind. Seeing them made the celebration even more special,” she said.

For their part, the Doves were “delighted” to make a non-official appearance, according to their SpokesBird, Georgina Golub.

“We have attended every Celebration of the Winter Solstice since the establishment of zoocracy,” Golub said. “We didn’t want to miss it this year, even though we weren’t, officially, working. So, we held a vote and the decision was made to attend as guests. It’s a very important celebration and we wanted to be there, no matter what,” she said.

OTD in 2014—In the midst of turmoil, the Solstice brings solace to The Park

By

christmas

Drawing courtesy of Hani Gajah School of Art

The sun rose and set yesterday on the Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

The Doves of Peace circled high above while the Does wound their way through the crowd. But it wasn’t until 6:03 in the evening, when the sun stood still, that Park celebrants finally felt a sense of calm.

“That’s when I knew things were going to be all right,” says Dewi Beruang, who always attends the Celebration.

“That’s when I thought, ‘We will work this out. Zoocracy is too good a concept to fail.'”

The last minute lifting of the curfew that Police had imposed on Park Animals on December 8 added a needed boost to the festivities, as well.

“We were hoping it would happen, but we couldn’t be sure until we got the word at about noon,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

“Then, a huge cheer went up through the crowd and I knew we were in for the long haul.”

That “long haul” lasted well past midnight. The food stations stayed open, the bands played extra sets, and the students from the Hani Gajah School of Art switched from painting portraits to painting faces. Even the Herman Stoat Dance Company offered an encore performance.

And all of it was appreciated. After the past few weeks of uncertainty, unrest, and outright fear, attendees seemed delighted to enjoy each other’s company and to look to the future again.

“It was … magical,” says Beruang. “Simply magical.”

OTD in 2013—Rapper Will.o.be. pledges to donate 12 Oak Trees to The Park

By

Oak branch and acorn


Rapper Will.o.be. pledged to donate 12 Oak Trees to The Park at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on Saturday. The popular singer was acquitted last week on charges of abusing a Park Oak Tree on the last night of the Beats of Burden music festival.

At some point between the flyby performed by the Doves of Peace and the hilarious antics of the Human Imitator, Rapper Will.o.be. took to the stage at yesterday’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice and made a stirring pledge:

“Last week, I was acquitted of abusing a beloved Park Oak Tree, but I know there are still many Animals here who believe I am guilty,” he said.

“I know there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t change their minds. But I can help to improve the lives of all of us in The Park. That’s why I’m here today…to tell you that, as I stand before you, I pledge to plant twelve Oak saplings on this very site in the Spring. And may those Trees grow tall and may they be as strong as the founders of zoocracy and the citizens of this Park.”

Roars of applause followed an initial moment of silent disbelief. After the popular Park singer was escorted from the stage, the celebration continued and although he was scheduled to sing a few hours later, the rap artist bowed out, calling for an encore from Jargonhead, instead.

Later on in the day, the still emotional audience left the star alone while he feasted on the offerings of The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café, but many were forthright in their praise of his actions.

“I think he’s doing the best he can under the circumstances,” said Dewi Beruang, who attended every Park festival this year, including the Beats of Burden.

“He’s got goodness in him and now he’s sharing it with us and I think we all appreciate that,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Winter Solstice 2016: all the bells and whistles, including Belles and Whistles

By

winter-solsticeGet ready to party hard and party long: The Park’s 2016 Celebration of the Winter Solstice will begin tomorrow at sunrise and end—officially, that is— at three o’clock in the morning on December 22.

“We’re pulling out all the stops this year. It’s going to be a celebration to end all celebrations,” Aintza Kanariar said, as she announced the official schedule as per the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

So fully packed will this holiday festival be, that it will be hard to find a band or a performing artist who is not participating.

In fact, Kanariar said, the only performers who will not be making an appearance tomorrow will be those who are in hibernation. Among them, of course, is Millicent Hayberry, who reportedly has sent a video message to Solstice celebrants.

In addition to Belles and Whistles, music makers who will take the stage include:

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
NIML
Fish Rap

The Endeka Elephant Band is scheduled to make a special appearance at noon, Kanariar confirmed. They will be introduced by Thisbe and the Barkettes.

Other highlights of the celebration include:

  • An original dance choreographed for the occasion by Herman Stoat will be performed by his eponymous dance company. The title of this year’s dance is “The Cyclamen in Winter.”
  • Jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator will provide entertainment throughout the celebration
  • Wilbur J. Pika and members of the New Harmony Theatre will read selected pages from The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat
  • Students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will be providing free tail-painting for young participants
  • Costume dress-up events will be hosted by the Park Historical Society
  • Storytelling
  • Harmonious Hannah and Humphrey will be on hand throughout the festivities

As always, a major component of the celebration will be the food.This year’s fare will be provided by The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will be serving a full breakfast just after the solstice occurs and chef Tab Tricolore will host an afternoon and evening “feral buffet.” Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served throughout the event. The Solstice will occur at 5:44 a.m. Local Park Time (LPT).

OTD in 2013—Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

By

headsNtales logo

Popular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

OTD in 2012—”Non-Hibernators’ Guilt” can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, experts say

By

Non-hibernators’ guilt, which has been linked to Sad Cow Disease, (SCD) can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, according to experts.

With the Winter Solstice celebrations just a few days away, experts in the field of mental health have turned their attention to one of the season’s biggest scourges: Non-Hibernators’ Guilt.

“After Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt is the most common psychological condition we see in the Winter season,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who will also serve as a staff member at The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic when it opens in January.

The condition, also known as NHG, can affect Animals who remain awake and active during the Winter season, but who have close friends and associates who are hibernators. NHG-affected Animals experience a deep sense of guilt and anxiety, concurrently with happiness, when they attend Park celebrations and important events in the Winter.

The Winter Solstice celebrations, in particular, are difficult for Park Animals. It is around that time that symptoms of NHG begin to occur, says Gibbon.

“These are the first celebrations of the Winter season, the first celebrations that are attended only by non-hibernators. In a way, they set the tone for the rest of the season. The amount of stress this puts on our non-hibernators has, I believe, been underestimated in the past,” she says.

While statistics show the number of Animals treated for NHG rising, experts in the field say the condition is not always easy to diagnose.

“Many of the symptoms of NHG are similar to those of other psychological conditions,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

In fact, some of NHG’s symptoms look remarkably similar to those associated with Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), one of Dr. Cougar’s areas of expertise. It’s important, however, that we not confuse NHG with other conditions, Dr. Cougar stresses.

“There is some preliminary evidence that suggests a connection between NHG and Sad Cow Disease (SCD), but this is very, very early research and we have to be very careful about making assumptions based on it. SCD is a more complex condition and is much more difficult to treat,” she says.

She likens NHG, on the other hand, to “a stronger variation of normal.”

“It’s natural for Animals to miss those close to them who are in hibernation, especially during times of celebration. But some Animals experience this temporary loss more profoundly than others. Those are the Animals we are concerned about,” she says.

While acknowledging that much further research is needed, the two experts offered this advice, in the meantime, for non-hibernating Park Animals:

“Try to enjoy the Winter holiday season by understanding the dictates of nature. Your hibernating compatriots are not missing out on the fun; instead, they are doing what is necessary for their survival. Soon enough, they’ll be among us again, celebrating other joyful occasions.”

OTD in 2014—DWBS advises Police to ease curfew, lift ban on travel for Winter celebrations

By

DWBS: ease curfew, lift travel ban

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has advised Park Police to ease the curfew for Park Animals and to lift the current ban on travel outside The Park in advance of the Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

After a meeting this morning with the Archons, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the recommendation.

“After private consultations with the Archons, the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), and members of The Park’s health and welfare communities, the Department of Well-Being and Safety has reached the conclusion that it would be detrimental to the emotional, physical, and financial well-being of Park Animals to restrict their movements and cut short their celebration of the Winter Solstice,” he said.

Kakapo also confirmed that a series of meetings with the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) had convinced the department that continuation of the travel ban would have dire economic consequences for Park businesses, especially those that are food-related.

“We realized that we are risking impoverishment in our quest for security. We must be wary of overreaching in that regard,” he said.

Neither the Archons nor Park Police have commented thus far on the DWBS recommendations. The curfew and travel ban were enacted on December 8. The Celebration of the Winter Solstice takes place December 21.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031