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OTD in 2014—Jargonhead “raps up” tour, signs on to headline Beats of Burden Music Festival

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JargonheadLegendary Park singer Jargonhead confirmed today that he has “rapped up” his Ducks in a Row tour and is on his way home to The Park to prepare for a co-hosting and headlining gig at the second annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“He is primed and ready,” the rapper’s manager Jukka Ankka told The Mammalian Daily.

Jargonhead, who signed on last year to perform at the inaugural event, is said to be a “huge fan” of the music festival.

“The concept suits him to a T,” says Ankka. “He’s all about helping the disadvantaged and pointing out the hypocrisy in our world.”

The Beasts of Burden, who founded the annual music festival last year to aid The Park’s refugees, released a statement of gratitude this morning.

“We extended the offer [of co-hosting] and were hoping for the best, but we were overwhelmed by his enthusiasm. We are very grateful to Jargonhead,” the statement said.

Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park 12-14 September 2014.

OTD in 2016—Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

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Cackling Goose TavernThe coalition of groups that has conducted regular meetings at the Cackling Goose Tavern has sent a message to the citizens and residents of The Park.

Inside a carefully worded missive published in all Park media today, the coalition poses the question: Would we be safer without sod?

The group, whose members include representatives of citizen aid and action associations, environmental groups, other alliances and federations, and some of The Park’s technology companies, has been working since the end of July to develop a proposal for The Park’s 2017 budget.

Today they are calling on the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to join them in their effort to keep Park residents safe from Human invasion.

The DWBS, who came under fire recently for issuing a safety alert that some deemed too late to save Park Animals, has promised to look into the coalition’s proposal to substitute grass seed for The Park’s sod.

“We believe that Humans, who have a very short attention span, would be less likely to see The Park as a vacation option if they had to wait for the grass to grow,” the coalition says in its statement.

While that might prove true and could result in fewer Humans endangering Park Animals, some warn that there is a downside to this way of thinking.

“We continue to walk a fine line when it comes to Humans and tourism. On the one hand, we want to maintain The Park for ourselves, but on the other, we have to admit that we are far too small to be self-sustaining. We rely on the funds that come from Humans who buy our products and services and it does us no good to pretend that we don’t,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The coalition is seeking the input of resident Park Animals before it presents its proposal to Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja. Abeja announced last month that she would be presenting her 2017 budget on August 17.

OTD in 2014—Aardeekhoorn willed burrow to Park Repertory Theatre: rumour

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Last will and testament documentGossip site headsNtales is reporting that the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn willed her burrow to the Park Repertory Theatre not long before her death.

In an online editorial piece, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo praises Aardeekhoorn for her commitment to Park theatre and to the “ongoing drama that takes place in The Park every day.”

Guacamayo, who claims to have a reliable source at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, also writes in her editorial that the will has had its first reading and will be made available to the public within the next few weeks.

The law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg declined to comment on the piece. Aardeekhoorn’s family could not be reached for comment, but actress Millicent Hayberry, who played Aardkeehoorn in the stage and film versions of “Mixed Nuts” says it “fits perfectly” with Aardeekhoorn’s personality.

“She was a very generous Animal and it [willing the burrow to the theatre] fits perfectly with that generosity,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Zorro verdict likely this month; court transcripts to be released in October

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Raimundo ZorroClosing arguments were heard Friday in the trial of SplotchWatch web site owner Raimundo Zorro and the verdict of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will likely come down this month, experts say.

Zorro faces two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.” The former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter refers to its effects.

Zorro, whom some have described as a disgruntled former journalist, was represented in court by his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund. Varghund is a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

During the trial and in closing, Varghund argued vehemently that Zorro’s only intent in running the web site was to encourage “openness and honesty” and to let Park Animals know who among them had removed their stripes or spots.

The issue became of major concern this year when The Park’s major grooming houses reported that stripe removal had become their most sought-after service. This is likely due to both social and financial concerns, as numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park.

After almost six months of police surveillance, Zorro’s web site was shut down last March and he was subsequently charged. The original trial date was set for June 25, but it was held over until July 13 due to the temporary absence from The Park of several key witnesses.

A spokesAnimal for The Park’s court system confirmed that, in the interest of openness, the transcripts of the trial will be made public in October.

OTD in 2011: Downward spiral leaves Mollusk Messenger’s future in doubt

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The future of one of The Park’s oldest newspapers hangs in the balance, as executives at The Mollusk Messenger meet tomorrow morning to weigh the financial consequences of recent editorial decisions.

Sources close to owner and Chief Financial Officer, Evander Slak, say he blames editor-in-chief, Angelika Cowrie, for the decrease in the newspaper’s readership and its resultant impact on the bottom line.

“She was too hard…she wouldn’t bend at all when it came to responding to what our readers wanted,” said one ex-employee who spoke to The Mammalian Daily on condition of anonymity.

What the readers wanted, according to surveys conducted by the newspaper itself, was more commentary on the news and less “reporting at a distance,” the ex-employee says.

“It’s a fast-changing world and they were simply too slow,” agreed Braydon Raubtier, a journalist with the Dingo Boomerang.

Those who work with Cowrie, a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, say she is a “traditionalist,” and one who believes that it is wrong to make the reporter part of the story.  The Messenger is one of the few newspapers that does not publish personal columns or opinion pieces.

“That’s all well and good, but if your readers want your opinion, you’d better give it to them or they’ll go somewhere else to get what they want,” says Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

The Mollusk Messenger is not the only Park newspaper that is suffering financially, however.  With readership down and advertising revenues imploding, it has been difficult for most Park newspapers to keep going without making drastic changes.

OTD in 2014—Architects Fleck + Stone announce change to Park Museum design

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Park MuseumJust months before its much-anticipated opening, the architects of the Park Museum have announced a major change to the institution’s design.

In a press release issued today, chief architect Vadim Kobras confirmed that after extensive consultations with the Museum’s Board of Governors, alterations were made to the original plans to allow for space for a small art gallery. The gallery will be attached to the small building that will house the library’s collection of books, manuscripts, and musical scores.

“We would like to thank the Board of Governors for their patience and support in allowing us time to design an appropriate space in which to showcase the art of The Park,” Kobras’s statement said.

A spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors confirmed that the museum will soon be seeking a full-time curator for the small gallery. In the meantime, the spokesAnimal said, members of the museum’s board will be touring The Park’s galleries, as well as the 2014 Park Art Walk  (PAW) in search of items for the opening exhibit.

OTD in 2015—Noreen shocks Yannis Tavros listeners: “Let’s organize a Superfan Saturday!”

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Official NoreenListeners to the Yannis Tavros show on Wednesday were treated not only to an exclusive interview with Noreen, but to an extemporaneous ode to superfans and a spontaneous call to honour their contributions.

“The rôle of superfans has changed immensely over my lifetime in that they now have an actual rôle to play in the careers of their idols,” said the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier.

“Their relationship to the stars, whether they be musicians, painters, singers, sculptors, writers…has become symbiotic and I truly believe this is a positive thing.”

Noreen, who has herself been called “the ultimate superfan,” because of her longstanding loyalty and affection for Thisbe and the Barkettes, was a solo guest on the Toro Talk Radio show Wednesday. While taking calls from listeners, Noreen experienced what she called a “whistle in her ear,” a term she has used often for the phenomenon of an idea that presents itself to her out of the blue.

“We need to organize a Superfan Saturday!” she exclaimed, taking Tavros and the radio station by surprise. “Let’s make a commitment, right here and now to honour superfans publicly. If you are a superfan, call in now. We’ll take down your name and details and get back to you about the time and date.”

By the time the show was finished, Noreen and the radio technicians had a list of hundreds of superfans, and a queue of several hundred more waiting on the phones.

While Tavros seemed stunned, Noreen was obviously thrilled by the response. She said she planned to visit the office of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations as soon as she took off her microphone.

“Let’s do this!” she barked. “This is going to be one heck of a celebration!”

OTD in 2015—Archons’ office hires full-time consultant to build legacy: rumour

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headsNtalesOnly halfway through their term but with their eyes on the future, the 2015 Archons appear to have engaged the services of a full-time legacy consultant.

The Park’s “most-watched gossip web site,” headsNtales, is reporting that an agent representing the Office of the Archons had a series of meetings in June with the Maidali Margay Consulting Group. These meetings, according to the web site, resulted in the signing of a comprehensive contract for services to represent the 2015 Archons and “all Archons in perpetuity.”

In a preamble to the post, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo writes, “We are going on the record with this and the reason is that, in our opinion, this is a despicable move on the part of the Archons and we believe that all Park Animals should know about it and protest the use of funds for such a purpose. The way to be commended for your work is to do a good job, not to hire a company to say that you have done a good job.”

The Maidali Margay Group assists individuals and companies in rehabilitating their image and making themselves more palatable to a disenchanted public. The company is perhaps best known for working with beleaguered radio talk show host Yannis Tavros after he insulted Hieronymous Hedgehog and his uncle, the late Archon Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog. Following Tavros’s suspension from Toro Talk Radio, a consultant from the group engineered his comeback by rallying his supporters and arranging his “snout to snout” on-air summit with Hieronymous. The group’s other clients have included deposed Park Finance Officer Milton Struts, the Monotreme Savings Bank (MSB), and Fannia di Volo, editor-in-chief of the Insect Intelligencer (subsequently renamed the Serangga Star Adviser).

OTD in 2013—Archons fund square to host “protests and gatherings”

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Park Animals gatherFour days before the release of the 2014 budget, the Archons announced at a press conference that they have commissioned the construction of a public square to be used for hosting “protests, celebrations, and other events that involve the mass gathering of Park Animals.”

Before taking questions from the media this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed that the Archons had engaged the services of Simply Structures to construct the purpose-built square. Simply Structures is the same firm that was awarded the contract to build a network of signposts in The Park as part of the Archons’ official three-prong tourism strategy. Funding for the square will be made through a one-time payment from the Archons’ Initiative Fund, Alouatta said.

“The Archons view this as a necessary and useful addition to The Park and, as such, it constitutes part of the ongoing modernization scheme,” the press secretary said.

“All modern areas, whether they call themselves Parks, cities or towns, have a designated space for activities such as protests and mass gatherings. In the past, we have used the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond, the Wishing Well, and other such areas, but they have proven inadequate for these purposes. It is with a view to accommodating our growing population that the Archons have embarked on this newest phase of modernization,” he said.

Citizen reaction to the announcement was swift and, largely, negative.

“At the very least, I think, they’re exhibiting a kind of shepherd mentality,” said Jelani Kondoo, who attended the press conference as an observer. “It looks as if they want to herd us into one space so they can control us. They’re giving the Park Police the opportunity to have a lot of power over us, all the while telling us that they’re giving us more freedom and space to gather,” he said.

Others agree with Kondoo’s analysis and some Park groups have vowed to fight against not only the idea of the purpose-built square, but what they call the “irresponsible expenditure” of funds to build it.

“Here we are, facing the largest influx of refugees in The Park’s history, battling inadequate weather, food production problems, shrinking revenue streams, scandals, and problems of all sorts, and they want to use funds to build a square for protests. I think we’d all be better off if they spent more on the necessities of our lives and gave us less to protest about,” said Malinda L. Hamster, President of  The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community.

OTD in 2014—Park ART Walk 2014 to highlight creative work of Park’s refugees

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PAW logoThe 2014 Park ART Walk will highlight the artistic endeavours of The Park’s refugees, it was announced today.

In a joint statement released this morning, the organizers of the Park ART Walk (PAW), The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art, the Marine Mammal Bank of The Park, and the Sapsucker Savings and Loan Corporation, confirmed the theme of The Park’s 8th annual Park ART Walk.

“We are extremely pleased that we have been able to work together to bring refugee art into focus at the 2014 Park ART Walk,” the statement began.

“The Park is extremely proud of its refugees and we want to shine a light on the ways in which they have enriched our lives. These are Animals who have suffered greatly and have survived; they have lived to tell the tale and to rebuild their lives in The Park. Their resilience is and will continue to be an inspiration to all of us,” the statement concluded.

Underwritten in part by Sapsucker Savings and Loan, The Park-wide exhibition will be entitled, “From Fear to Freedom.”

This is the third time in its history that the Park ART Walk has had a distinct theme. Last year, PAW honoured The Park’s autochthonous artists in the exhibition, “From the Ground Up.” In 2012, thanks to a one-time gift from The Archons’ Initiative Fund, the event showcased art as it related to the theme, “INtegration through ART.” The stated goal of that themed exhibition was to “encourage Animals to learn more about species other than their own, so that we can understand our differences and our similarities.”

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 8th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, August 16, 2014 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Kipos Gallery.

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