The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Gewper finds scents make good financial sense

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Executives at RhinoTech, Inc. had a hunch they were onto something four years ago, when they partnered with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create gewper, a social networking site with a difference.

That difference—the opportunity for users to “smell those they know and those they might wish to know”—has made all the difference in RhinoTech’s bottom line.

Now just a year old, the site dubbed “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world” accounts for more than half of its developer’s real income.

“Earnings are up 175% over this time last year,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a tech conference held in The Park last week. “And we’re putting them to good use.”

That “good use” may well turn out to be the project the company says every Animal has been waiting for. In an interview last year, RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn confirmed that his company, which uses all its profits for research, was working on a site that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace.

“We’re working on it, that’s all I can tell you,” Nashorn said.

The company has kept mum about the project ever since, but those in the know say they expect an announcement to be made within a year’s time.

“With all the money that gewper is making, they’ve got enough to hire the best and the brightest,” says Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok. “And that’s what it’s going to take to get this one off the ground,” she says.

See also: New social networking site to offer scent option

OTD in 2014—Founding Families establishes fund in memory of Imogen Aardeekhoorn

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Founding Families Financial Corporation

FFFC has established a fund in memory of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn

The Founding Families Financial Corporation (FFFC) announced last night that it has established a fund in memory of beloved Park playwright, Imogen Aardeekhoorn. Aardeekhoorn died last month at her burrow.

In a press release dated August 1, the date of Aardeekhoorn’s memorial, Chief Financial Officer Karita Isbjørn said that in keeping with the corporation’s longtime support of the arts, the fund was established to assist emerging Park playwrights “whose truths may well sustain us through the ages.”

According to the press release, the fund will receive an initial one-time lump sum payment from the FFFC. Every year thereafter, the FFFC will match donations from Park residents and businesses. There is no established limit on the matching donations.

Founding Families also confirmed that it intends to hire a full-time, independent fund administrator who will, in turn, institute a “rotating council of artists and citizens” whose job it will be to choose the yearly beneficiaries.

The fund’s official date of establishment will be January 1, 2015. The first beneficiaries will be chosen in 2016.

The Park’s largest financial institution, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families, including Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. It has a long history of supporting the arts and has been a regular contributor to the annual Part Art Walk (PAW).

OTD in 2016—Park ART Walk 2016 partners with EQUALSS charity to celebrate the work of the striped and spotted

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ma f11 no 001The organizers of the 2016 Park ART Walk (PAW) announced today that they have partnered with Holstein Fashion’s charity EQUALSS to celebrate the artistic accomplishments of The Park’s striped and spotted population.

In a joint statement released this morning, Park ART Walk organizers, EQUALSS, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Lemming Lemur Lion and Lynx Credit Bank, and the Founding Families Financial Corporation confirmed the theme of this historic 10th annual Park ART Walk:

“We are extremely pleased that, though our work together, the 2016 Park ART Walk will be able to bring into focus the creative output of our striped and spotted population. The Park is extremely proud of our dynamic striped and spotted citizens and we want to shine a light on the ways in which they have enriched the lives of all Park residents. These are Animals who have not yet reached true equality in The Park, yet they are able to contribute greatly to their families, to their community, and to the creative arts. They are truly an inspiration to us all.”

Underwritten in part by Holstein Fashion, the Park-wide exhibition is entitled, “Patterns in Life and Art.”

This is the fifth time in its history that the Park ART Walk has had a distinct theme. Last year, PAW honoured The Park’s endangered species in “Against All Odds.” In 2014, our refugees were honoured in “From Fear to Freedom.” In 2013, it was our autochthonous artists who were highlighted in the exhibition, “From the Ground Up.”  In 2012, thanks to a one-time gift from The Archons’ Initiative Fund, the event showcased art as it related to the theme, “INtegration through ART.”

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 9th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, August 20, 2016 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from The Ewe and Moo Gallery, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Tortoiseshell Gallery.

OTD in 2013—Jargonhead signs on to rap at Beats of Burden music fest

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Jargonhead

Legendary Park rapper Jargonhead announced today that he has signed on to rap at the Beats of Burden music festival in September

Legendary Park rapper Jargonhead announced today that he has signed on to rap at the Beats of Burden Music Festival this September.

“I’m all in,” he said in a statement released by his manager this morning.

The rapper, who embarked on his Ducks in a Row tour last Winter has been performing outside The Park for several months. On his return last week, he was advised of the upcoming festival.

“He was so impressed by what the Beasts had done to set this thing up. He called them right away and just about begged them to let him participate,” said his manager Jukka Ankka.

“He said to me, ‘I love the way they think outside the box. They’re really pushing the envelope here and I want to be involved. IMHO, I think this is going to be a game changer,'” Ankka said.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place September 14-16. All proceeds from the festival will go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

OTD in 2011—Archons at work behind scenes to secure reporter’s release

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Extra-Hortulanial law expert Fionnula Fox

It may not look as though anything is happening but, rest assured, our 35 Park Archons are working hard behind the scenes to secure the release of imprisoned journalist, ZeeZee Legy.

That is the message contained in a statement from the Office of the Archons and reiterated at a press conference late last night.  Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, confirmed that negotiations are underway with those outside The Park who have been holding Legy in custody since July 21, 2011.

Legy, a reporter for The Insect Intelligencer’s gossipy Fly on the Wall feature, was apprehended in connection with the death of one Human.  Five other reporters who work for the feature were arrested inside The Park after two of the reporters’ Human sources were hospitalized.  They are scheduled to appear in court late in August.

At first, Legy claimed he was not working at the time of the incident but, instead, was visiting family while on vacation.  But in a statement released last week, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, said there had been a misunderstanding and that Legy had, indeed, been on assignment outside The Park.

At the press conference, Alouatta confirmed that efforts to secure Legy’s release had stalled for a time, but they have resumed and the Archons are “cautiously optimistic” about the outcome.  Also present at the press gathering was UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox, an expert in Extra-Hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).  She explained the Archons’ dilemma thus:

“It’s (Extra-Hortulanial law) a hard needle to thread,” she said.  “We can only negotiate with those outside The Park; we have no real power or authority there.  Basically, we have to rely on the goodwill of the people and try to convince them that there was no malicious intent.  If we can convince them of that, then it follows that a repeat of the incident is unlikely.”

Alouatta said that the Archons are expecting a breakthrough “by the end of the weekend” and that Park citizens could keep up-to-date with the negotiations by checking the information board outside the Court House.

OTD in 2013—CAA steps up pressure on Summer Games committee

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With less than two months to go before the official opening of the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games, the Canine Athletic Association (CAA) has stepped up pressure on the ISG Committee to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive stroke.

In a statement issued this morning, the Association once again asserted that the swimming stroke is an excellent test of aquatic prowess and, as such, should be reinstated immediately.

“Unless the ISG Committee takes swift action on this issue, we will see our amazing athletes sidelined once again. We cannot allow this to happen. Our Canine swimmers have been training for more than six years for these Games and they deserve a chance to compete,” said CAA President Alexandre Caniche.

This is not the first time the CAA has attempted to have the swimming stroke reinstated. But, last year, it embarked on an extensive multi-media campaign to raise awareness of the issue. The year-long campaign featured well-known sports figures and celebrities and the Association even commissioned a new scent, ‘”Soggy Dog,” that helped them raise funds to continue the fight.

“We thought we were getting somewhere with them [the ISG Committee], but now I’m not sure. Time is not on our side,” said Caniche.

The ISG Committee has stated that it will announce its decision on August 15. The Games begin on September 22.

“That’s cutting it pretty close, but until we know, we’ll keep encouraging our Dogs to train as hard as they can,” Caniche said.

OTD in 2016—Millicent Hayberry “seriously considering” POPS bid : rumour

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MillicentHayberry BREAKING NEWS

Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry is “seriously considering” running for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said Hayberry is still “conferring with those in her inner circles, both personal and professional, and likely will announce her decision in October.”

Best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, the beloved actress currently can be found onstage at the Burrow Theatre starring in Godwit: A Mystery.

If Hayberry does decide to take a run for the office, it will not be the first time that a Chipmunk has made the attempt. In 2012, Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk thew his hat in the ring and although he did not win, many credited him and Zachariah Skunk, who ran in 2011, with broadening the field and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

Hayberry still has a lot of time to make her final decision. Park Animals have until November 5, 2016 to put their names forward as candidates for POPS.

OTD in 2015—One last time: Barkettes announce final Park date of Bring Your Own Bone tour

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BARKETTES final ticketThisbe and the Barkettes have announced the final Park date of their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour. That date is August 22.

The announcement came in the form of a letter to their longtime fans and fellow Park citizens:

Dear friends, fans, and fellow citizens:

It is with a mixture of anticipation and sadness that we announce that our final Park concert will take place on August 22, at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

We cannot fully express the joy that this leg of the tour has brought us. The Park has always been our home—not just our first home, but our only home. And over the course of the years, our fellow Park citizens have become members of our family. Every time we leave, a piece of ourselves remains here and when we return, we are made whole again.

The gratitude that we feel for the way that you all have received us after such a long hiatus is immense and overwhelming. You have touched our hearts and renewed our spirits and our love of this place and its extraordinary Animals.

Although we cannot say for sure when we will meet again, please know that you are foremost in our minds and that we will make every effort to come home as soon and as often as possible. In the meantime, we look forward to an amazing concert full of surprises on August 22 and one last opportunity to see you on this tour and thank you with our music.

All our love always,

Thisbe and the Barkettes 

heart

 

 

OTD in 2013—Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

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Park Expense Projections 2014

Click on the pie chart above to see details of the 2014 budget

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

OTD in 2013—A sneak peek at some stories that we’re working on

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Stories We're Working OnAs July comes to a close, we thought we’d let you sneak a peek at some of the stories that we’re working on.

PIFF. The Park Interspecial Film Festival is just two months away. We eagerly await the announcement of this year’s lineup, special events, and news. Behind the scenes, we’ve been interviewing past participants and we look forward to sharing with you what we’ve learned from them.

THE BUDGET What would Summer be without the big presentation from The Park Finance Office? This year’s budget promises to be controversial and, of course, The Mammalian Daily is happy to join in the discussion. We like to think our reporters and columnists bring some expertise to the table.

PARK LIFE We’ll be taking a critical look at the direction the Archons are moving in, and our analysts will share their opinions about unemployment, the big weather question, immigration issues, and the great tax debate.

THISBE SPEAKS Will they or won’t they? Rumours abound that Thisbe and the Barkettes plan to reunite “one last time.” Well, surprise! We’ve snagged an interview with the only one who truly knows! That’s right. Thisbe’s first interview in over twenty years will appear in our pages in the Autumn.

INTERSPECIAL SUMMER GAMES They’re less than two months away and we’ve got all the information you need to watch with a suitably critical eye.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY The University of West Terrier’s cutting edge research has yielded some remarkable results. Read more here in the coming months.

SURVIVOR PROFILES We’ll continue our series of survivor profiles. Next up: The Endeka Elephant Band: A circuitous route to citizenship for eleven euphonious Elephants.

NOREEN She’s not just our advice columnist anymore. She’s Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and she’s been busy putting the finishing touches on a book based on her most recent research. She’s got a lot to tell us about her favourite subject and we’re eager to hear it.

That’s just a taste of what’s coming in the next few months, so keep logging on. And, Happy August!

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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