The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

BREAKING: Raimundo Zorro found guilty of two of three charges; sentence to be announced next week

By

Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro: guilty of inciting hate

BREAKING NEWS
After a three-week trial, Raimundo Zorro has been found guilty of two of three charges stemming from his ownership and management of the SplotchWatch web site.

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court rendered his decision at nine o’clock this morning before a packed courtroom. Prior to announcing the verdict, however, the Justice spoke at length about the privileges and responsibilities of zoocracy and about the kind of Park that our founder, Jor, envisioned.

“The types of activities that Raimundo Zorro engaged in are the very antithesis of what Jor imagined for Park citizens. The Park was founded on the principle of interspecial harmony and we accepted as our duty not only the upholding of this principle but the flourishing of it, as well.

Raimundo Zorro attempted to destroy The Park by undermining this very foundation. He pulled a thread that, for a short time, set the unravelling of our social fabric in motion. But while we have succeeded in stopping him, we must remain vigilant. All manner of threats against zoocracy and interspecial harmony exist. Many of these come from outside, but it is those that thrive right here inside The Park that we should be most concerned about. We must use all our resources to guard against their proliferation,” he said.

In the end, the Justice found Zorro guilty on the two charges of inciting hate, but he said he found no evidence for the third charge of inciting discord.

“Zorro did his best to plant the seeds of hatred by exposing the survival techniques of Animals who were vulnerable to certain prejudices that exist in The Park. But I don’t believe that, as yet, he had gone as far as attempting to provoke discord or violence. Whether that would have happened had he not been stopped is a moot point,” his written judgment says.

Outside the courtroom, Zorro stood silent beside his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund, who refused to answer questions regarding an appeal.

A sentencing hearing is scheduled for next week.

Zorro verdict likely this month; court transcripts to be released in October

By

Raimundo Zorro

SplotchWatch owner Raimundo Zorro

Closing arguments were heard Friday in the trial of SplotchWatch web site owner Raimundo Zorro and the verdict of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will likely come down this month, experts say.

Zorro faces two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.” The former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter refers to its effects.

Zorro, whom some have described as a disgruntled former journalist, was represented in court by his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund. Varghund is a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

During the trial and in closing, Varghund argued vehemently that Zorro’s only intent in running the web site was to encourage “openness and honesty” and to let Park Animals know who among them had removed their stripes or spots.

The issue became of major concern this year when The Park’s major grooming houses reported that stripe removal had become their most sought-after service. This is likely due to both social and financial concerns, as numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park.

After almost six months of police surveillance, Zorro’s web site was shut down last March and he was subsequently charged. The original trial date was set for June 25, but it was held over until July 13 due to the temporary absence from The Park of several key witnesses.

A spokesAnimal for The Park’s court system confirmed that, in the interest of openness, the transcripts of the trial will be made public in October.

Does of Peace to attend at grooming houses, no ruling on matter yet: Dindon

By

The Does of Peace will be at grooming houses until 6:30 p.m. tonight

BREAKING NEWS

Calling the issue “too important and too complex for a hasty weekend ruling,” Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has stayed the proceedings involving the request for an injunction against police presence at The Park’s grooming houses today and, instead, has requested that the Does of Peace take their place.

The Justice of The Park’s Superior Court made a brief statement late last night in which he explained that the matter under consideration was worthy of a great deal more “sober” thought than he could give it this weekend.

“I could not deliver a fair and balanced ruling in the little time afforded me before the Fowl Ball,” he said, as he read from a short, prepared speech.

“For this reason, I have called on the Does of Peace for assistance in the matter. Given the involvement of the Doves of Peace in Sunday’s Ball, I thought it better to make the request of the Does,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), applauded the decision.

“I think the Justice has done brilliantly and, on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, I applaud his decision. Let the Fowl Ball begin!” he said.

The Does of Peace agreed to the Justice’s request and will be outside The Park’s grooming houses from 8:00 a.m. until 6:30 this evening.

No rest for the judiciary: ruling to come on grooming house call for injunction

By

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will rule on injunction request later today

Sometimes, there’s just no rest for the judiciary.

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon arrived at The Park’s Superior Court this morning at 7:00 a.m. He is expected to rule later today on the request for an injunction against the police that was brought by The Park’s grooming houses late yesterday afternoon.[pullquote]It is not the rôle of the police to guard against crime; it is their place to be ready to attend when laws are broken. This may seem as if it’s a very fine line, but it is not. It is a very thick line and attempting to thin it is menacing.—Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law, University of West Terrier [/pullquote]

In its petition for an injunction against the stationing of officers outside their businesses, the grooming houses appealed to the Justice on a number of issues including harm to customer relations, disruption of business, loss of income, and loss of reputation.

But the one issue that stands out among them and that will give the Justice pause, say legal experts, is the issue of destabilizing The Park and threatening zoocracy.

“The stationing of police on private property where no crime has taken place is a very serious matter. It may look at first, as if it is about the issue of peacekeeping, but if you delve more deeply into it, you see that such an aggressive act is indeed a threat to our very zoocracy,” says Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) agrees.

“Our zoocracy was founded on the right to free expression and free assembly. The Animals who caused the stampede last year did not break the law by complaining; they broke the law by acting in a violent fashion and by hurting each other. But it is not the rôle of the police to guard against crime; it is their place to be ready to attend when laws are broken. This may seem as if it’s a very fine line, but it is not. It is a very thick line and attempting to thin it is menacing,” she says.

Mr. Justice Dindon will hear presentations from both sides this morning and he is expected to rule on the matter late in the day.

Court date set, SplotchWatch owner Raimundo Zorro to face three charges

By

Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro, SplotchWatch owner

BREAKING NEWS
Raimundo Zorro, the owner and operator of the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon in The Park’s Superior Court, where he was formally charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.”

According to his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund, the former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter charge refers to its effect.

The SplotchWatch web site names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed. Zorro claims he provides this service in the interest of openness and honesty.

Varghund, a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, spoke on behalf of her client during the proceedings. Zorro pleaded not guilty to all charges. A court date has been set for June 25.

Outside the courtroom, in the middle of the media frenzy, Zorro stopped to greet a few Animals whom he said were his supporters. Not long after, he was whisked away by his lawyer, who told attending media that he was unlikely to appear again in public before his trial.

Thane Tarsier pleads not guilty to charge of “Cease to Care” this morning

By

Thane Tarsier

Thane Tarsier, seen here at his home, was charged today with “Cease to Care.”

BREAKING NEWS
Thane Tarsier appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in The Park’s Superior Court this morning to plead not guilty to the charge of “Cease to Care.”

Tarsier, who stood alongside his lawyer, Delwyn Terrier, said little in court other than to acknowledge that he understood the charge. When the Justice asked how he intended to plead, Tarsier deferred to his lawyer, who said simply, “We intend to plead not guilty.”

“Cease to Care,” a little-known offence under The Park’s Participation Act, involves the deliberate withholding of one’s name as a candidate for the position of Archon.

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the Department of Political Administration (DPA) of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Because this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” says DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

Laying charges against Park citizens is not the DPA’s first step, however.

“We don’t like to involve the Police or the courts,” Fourmi says. “We try to reason with our citizens, to appeal to their sense of duty. But when there is no response, that leaves us with little choice.”

On Friday, after the DPA confirmed that Tarsier had withheld his name wilfully, Park Police laid the charge against him.

Tarsier’s trial will begin after Groundhog Day, according to a spokesAnimal for the courts.

Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

By

jgroundhogday[pullquote]Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip.—Delwyn Terrier[/pullquote]The lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon: “I won’t rule on the POPS shadow case.”

By

Mr Justice Augustus Dindon

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

BREAKING NEWS

In the event that the lawsuit filed by a disgruntled group of Groundhog Day spectators goes to trial, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will not be the presiding judge.

In an announcement released this morning, the venerable justice of The Park’s Superior Court stated that he plans to recuse himself from any trial arising from the lawsuit.

The suit, which was filed on behalf of the group of spectators on February 3, alleges that Solange Marmotte, the 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), did not see her own shadow on Groundhog Day. The lawsuit alleges that the shadow Marmotte saw was caused by a fault in the construction of the Prognostication Pad and that, as a consequence, her prediction was and should be declared null and void.

Although the much-beloved jurist did not reveal the reasons for his decision, he is said to believe that the case is a “nuisance lawsuit” and that, in all probability, time will be the judge of whether or not the prediction was accurate.

In the meantime, temperatures in The Park continue to hover at record lows with no end in sight.

Rapper Will.o.be. acquitted of all charges

By

BreakingNewsRapper Will.o.be. was acquitted today of all charges related to his alleged treatment of an Oak Tree during the final night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

The rapper, who was represented by Sebastian Shepherd, partner in the law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, pleaded not guilty to one charge of mischief and two charges of assault on a living being.

In rendering his decision, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court chastised the prosecution, accusing the plaintiff’s representatives of lacking substantial evidence and bringing forth a suit that was “all but frivolous.”

The Justice also had a warning for the popular Park rapper.

“Be forewarned,” he said. “Everything you do from now on will be scrutinized. There will always be those who believe it was you who assaulted the Tree and that you escaped punishment because of your fame. Although that was not the case this time and never will be in my court, I encourage you to behave in a way that reinforces your innocence, rather than the opposite.”

Neither the defendant nor the plaintiff spoke to media after leaving the courthouse.

Archons delay hibernation as 2014 POPS remains undeclared

By

Breaking_NewsIn an unprecedented move, the 2013 Archons have voted to delay the official date of hibernation until a winner in the 2014 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) election can be declared.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, announced the unanimous decision at a press conference this afternoon.

“Due to the exceptional circumstances in which we find ourselves this year, the 2013 Archons, under the leadership of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, have made the decision to delay the official date of hibernation until such time as we are able to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election.

This was a difficult decision to make, but the Archons believed that it was the only way to respond with fairness to the needs of The Park’s hibernating community. They felt strongly that we could not expect these citizens to go into hibernation without knowing the results of this important election. The Archons, therefore, have decided that hibernation will occur one day after the winner of the POPS election is declared,” Alouatta said.

The press conference was attended by Chief Archon Rhinoceros and six of the 34 remaining Archons: Oonagh Albertina Hellbender, Grosvenor Tortoise, Ottmar Limpkin, Françoise Hélène Coccinelle, Hagen Roeland Roadrunner, and Paulette Woodpecker. Gerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office also attended. The group did not entertain questions.

After the statement was read, a one-page press release was distributed. The release assured Park citizens that the decision “was not taken lightly, but was made in consultation with a number of medical experts from the University of West Terrier, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.” The Archons also sought a number of legal opinions before making their decision, the press release said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

November 2024
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930