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Police lift ban on travel outside Park, DWBS issues annual travel advisory

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Think Safety on Red Puzzle.BREAKING NEWS
In a tersely-worded statement released early this morning, Park Police announced an end to the ban on travel outside The Park.

“We are pleased to announce that the ban on travel outside The Park, imposed on December 8, has been lifted. At this time, however we would like to warn all Animals travelling outside our borders to be cautious and aware and, if possible, not to travel alone,” the statement says.

Shortly after the Police statement was released, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) issued its annual travel advisory, warning Animals to be vigilant when interacting with Humans at this time of year.

“At all times, but especially during the holiday season, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans, particularly if they are exhibiting sentimental behaviour,” the advisory warns.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship’ or say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“Especially at this time of year, Humans seem to lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny. They sincerely believe they are doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

DWBS advises Police to ease curfew, lift ban on travel for Winter celebrations

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DWBS: ease curfew, lift travel ban

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has advised Park Police to ease the curfew for Park Animals and to lift the current ban on travel outside The Park in advance of the Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

After a meeting this morning with the Archons, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the recommendation.

“After private consultations with the Archons, the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), and members of The Park’s health and welfare communities, the Department of Well-Being and Safety has reached the conclusion that it would be detrimental to the emotional, physical, and financial well-being of Park Animals to restrict their movements and cut short their celebration of the Winter Solstice,” he said.

Kakapo also confirmed that a series of meetings with the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) had convinced the department that continuation of the travel ban would have dire economic consequences for Park businesses, especially those that are food-related.

“We realized that we are risking impoverishment in our quest for security. We must be wary of overreaching in that regard,” he said.

Neither the Archons nor Park Police have commented thus far on the DWBS recommendations. The curfew and travel ban were enacted on December 8. The Celebration of the Winter Solstice takes place December 21.

Newspaper editorial should not be ignored, say Park’s aid groups

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Rodent Commoner

 

An editorial published last week that has ignited a firestorm of protest, has endangered the life of its writer, and has resulted in a curfew and a ban on travel outside The Park “should not be ignored,” say members of The Park’s aid groups.

“[Reporter Gunnar Espen] Rotte makes a valid point, in that you don’t have to have stripes or spots to be treated badly, inside or outside The Park,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, head of the aid association Rodents at Risk.

“Almost all of us have all suffered from some sort of prejudice in our lives,” she says.

Inez Gallina, president of the immigrant aid group Home to Roost, agrees: “It’s not just prejudice. It’s more than that. I sometimes think it’s a holdover from the way we’re treated outside The Park. I think it spills over into our immigrants’ lives here. Native Park citizens make assumptions about us, based on what they’ve heard outside The Park. It can be devastating to a new immigrant, especially a refugee,” she says.

But Hendrik Dalmatiër of the Spotted Animal Alliance says these Animals are missing the point.

“This is not a contest about which Animal has a harder time. There is no winner here; there are only losers. It is our opinion that if a Park treats its Animals differently on the basis of appearance, we are all losers. And there is plenty of evidence that that happens,” he says.

DWBS warns against stripe removal

By

Think Safety

Stripe removal is dangerous: Department of Well-Being and Safety

The Department of Well-Being and Safety is warning Park Animals against the practice of stripe removal.

In a communiqué released today, the department advised Animals to be “cautious and thoughtful” before they make the decision to remove stripes and spots from their coats.

“While the practice of stripe removal may have its origins in a perceived necessity or to a lesser extent, fashion, the Department of Well-Being and Safety is concerned that it may lead to serious health and safety issues down the road,” the department says in the communiqué.

“Animals should never forget the origins of their [physical] makeup. Stripes and spots are an essential part of who you are. If you remove them, you put yourself at risk, particularly if you venture outside The Park. There, you will have neither the advantage of natural camouflage nor the protection of zoocracy. The possibility exists that you will fall prey to enemies,” the communiqué concludes.

The department’s strong statement comes in response to recently published statistics that show stripe removal to be the most sought-after service offered by The Park’s grooming houses.

The Does of Peace: typo in job ad nets Park Police new peacekeeping group

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Does of Peace

Does of Peace will join the Doves this Autumn: Police

First it was the missing letter in “Beasts” that turned the annual charity music festival into the “Beats of Burden.”

Now a typo in the recruitment announcement sent out by the Doves of Peace has gifted the Doves and Park Police with a “welcome addition”: a brand new group of peacekeepers called the Does of Peace.

At a press event this morning, representatives of the Police and the Doves announced the formation of this new group.

“This is another case of serendipity,” said Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub.

“The Does of Peace, whom we hired during our recruitment weekend, are a most welcome addition to our peacekeeping force.”

No one doubts they are welcome now, but that wasn’t quite the case during the last weekend of August.

When Park Police’s wholly autonomous peacekeeping group put out a call for prospective hirees to join the Doves of Peace, the announcement read, instead, “Does of Peace.”

But it seemed that no one noticed, save for the female Deer who swarmed the Ancient Open-Air Theatre in search of employment.

“They arrived with some of the most impressive résumés we’ve ever seen, and a great deal of experience in peacekeeping, both in the outside world and in The Park,” Golub said.

At a loss for what to do, Golub arranged for interviewers to talk to the Does and explain the mix-up.

“But what I noticed, as we turned them away…they weren’t angry. They seemed understanding. Disappointed, but understanding. And, I thought, ‘why am I turning away some of the best peacekeepers I’ve ever met?'”

So, after extensive consultation with Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, the decision was made to form an adjunct group to help keep peace in The Park.

In addition to their regular duties, Golub says, the Does will take over from the Doves during migration season.

“It works perfectly with our schedule and now that we’ve done it, I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.”

And, fittingly, the Does of Peace will make their first professional appearance this coming weekend, at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

DWBS to move forward on plan to track Human foot traffic in Park

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Human foot traffic

BREAKING NEWS
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it is moving ahead with its plan to track Human foot traffic in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed that the 2014 Archons had signed off on the controversial plan after several weeks of intense debate.

“This is a major milestone,” said Kakapo. “We are moving in the direction of ensuring the safety and security of Park Animals.”

The monitoring plan, which is scheduled to commence in mid-September, was originally proposed by an ad hoc group after the publication of what they called “disturbing” statistics surrounding the number of accidental deaths of Park Animals that occurred due to “trampling” and other types of collisions with Humans. The leader of the now-dissolved group was Fatima Formiga, great-great granddaughter of the renowned Park poet Aubrey Ant. Ant, a seventh generation Park citizen, was best known for his poem, “If the Shoe Fits.“ 

In a statement issued this morning, Formiga said she was “extremely pleased” to hear the news. She also wrote that it was “an honour for me and my family to have played a part in the solution to this devastating problem. It shows the power that poetry can have.”

To read Aubrey Ant’s famous poem, click here: If the Shoe Fits.

Data from Long Gone Registry reveal cracks in Park’s refugee aid system

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Refugee leaving

Data suggest that Park refugees are not receiving effective aid

Statistics compiled for The Park’s Long Gone Registry reveal that close to a fifth of the refugees who seek a better life in The Park leave within five years of their arrival.[pullquote]These numbers show a lack of integration in the refugee aid system. – Angus Deerhound, Runaway Rovers[/pullquote]

The Registry, which was established to provide accurate population and participation records, began to collect data in the Spring of 2013 from The Park’s educational institutions, the Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, private physicians, and refugee aid organizations.

Much of the data collected relate to the movement (both in and out of The Park) of refugee Animals and, according to those who work in The Park’s immigrant aid groups, the data indicate a number of troubling trends.

“To begin with, these numbers show a lack of integration in the refugee aid system,” says Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers.

“We only know about their arrival if they seek help from one of our aid groups and it’s obvious that we aren’t keeping track of those we do manage to help. If they don’t show up again [at our offices]…unless we’ve found them housing…we don’t know if they’re still with us or have left. That’s not help. It’s temporary relief,” he said.

Talia Katsikas, founder and director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company agrees.

“To be honest, this is not news. We’ve known about this forever. And part of the problem lies in the full freedom that we grant all Animals who enter The Park. Most of us would find it offensive if we required Animals to report their comings and goings. So, we have to find a better way to encourage that voluntarily. And, so far, we haven’t put much thought into it,” she says.

The Long Gone Registry falls under the jurisdiction of the Department of Statistics and Records. At the time of this article’s publication, no response to The Mammalian Daily’s request for comment has been received from the department.

Grooming house stampede “logical outcome” of changing times: PASS

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tallulahstoilettage

PASS says the stampede was a logical outcome of changing times

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) released its report today on the May 31 stampede at Tallulah’s Toilettage.

The report chronicles the events before and after the stampede occurred. It also offers a list of recommendations that are the result of a series of meetings held by Association members in the wake of the tragedy that injured 68 Animals and resulted in the arrest of 35 others.

At a public event held this afternoon, owners of some of The Park’s grooming houses spoke candidly to attendees about their findings.

Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, said she wasn’t surprised by the May stampede; indeed, she had predicted such a thing would happen eventually.

“Times have changed in so many ways,” she explained.

“In the old days, we all did our own grooming, we procured our own food and we built our own dwellings. Now, we look to others to do those things for us. It’s part of a major shift in Animal life and so, unfortunately, was the stampede. Park life is not as it once was and we must learn to adapt to that reality,” Poedel  said.

Poedel also cited the added stress of the moulting season and what she called “a growing jealousy in certain species” as contributing factors.

Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the stampede occurred, said a shortage of workers skilled in proper grooming techniques was partly to blame for the incident.

“Most owners dream of having their businesses grow by leaps and bounds. But we have been overrun [by customers]. The need for grooming services in The Park has grown beyond our collective ability to fulfill it. And, as a result, some species feel hard done by, especially when their appointments have been put off for a day or two. When their anger comes to a head, that’s when we see this kind of behaviour,” she said.

Fowl Ball funds Avian retirement home

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Fowl Ball

The annual Fowl Ball will help to fund an Avian retirement home

BREAKING NEWS

A portion of the proceeds from the annual Fowl Ball will be used to build and maintain a retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of The Park’s Avian community.

The event’s chief organizer Rafael Ortega made the announcement at a press conference early this morning.

Flanked by members of the Fowl Ball’s board of directors and by executives from the construction company Simply Structures, Ortega thanked all Park residents for their “overwhelming support” of the Fowl Ball.

“Just in this first year, we have taken in more funds than we expected to have after three years and we have all of you to thank,” he said.

“And because of your generosity, the board of directors has deemed it feasible to dedicate a portion of those funds annually to the welfare of our elderly and wounded Avians.”

In a post-conference interview, Ortega said The Park has a growing population of wounded and elderly Avians, many of whom find migration difficult or impossible. The new residence will be built to shelter these Birds from the cold during the Winter season. He said he hopes the new home will be ready to welcome residents by the Winter of 2018.

DWBS warns hibernators: skip Return of the Nut ceremonies

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Depending on the weather and temperature, hibernators may want to watch the Return of the Nut ceremonies from the comfort of their homes this year, says the Department of well-Being and Safety. Giuliana Imelda Lontra is scheduled to swear the ancient oath at 11:00 tomorrow morning.


The DWBS has told newly-awakened hibernators that they may be better off watching the Return of the Nut ceremonies from the comfort of their homes this year. Giuliana Imelda Lontra is scheduled to swear the ancient oath at 11:00 this morning.

HEALTH WARNING

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has taken the unusual step of issuing a health warning to The Park’s newly-awakened hibernators: skip this year’s Return of the Nut ceremonies. The full statement reads as follows:

In our opinion, the stresses due to this year’s shortened period of torpor, in combination with the sudden increase in temperature, pose a serious health risk to our newly-awakened hibernating citizens. On the advice of experts in the field, we urge The Park’s hibernating communities not to attend this morning’s Return of the Nut ceremonies and to remain in your homes for the next few days in order to ensure your full recovery.

The DWBS further advised those who should not or cannot attend the ceremonies that, for the first time in Park history, the Return of the Nut celebrations will be broadcast in their entirety on Park Broadcasting Corporation Television (PBCTV). The broadcast begins at 10:30 a.m. Park time.

Giuliana Imelda Lontra, the 2014 Keeper of the Nut, is scheduled to swear the ancient oath at 11:00 this morning.

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