The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—#PiffPiffle: What we know for sure

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PIFF BowlThere are only three days left until the opening of the 2016 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF), but most of us have more questions than answers. Here are a few things we know for sure:

  • Confirmed: Chef Tab Tricolore has confirmed that The Tabby Club will be open to all species from October 1-5, 2016
  • Confirmed: Director G.D. Zebra, whose film WINK will open the festival, will host a Q&A along with producer Kevin Kodkod and one of the film’s stars, Willem Leopard. Time and location to be announced
  • Confirmed: Zebra has invited formerly domestic Canine singer Bone Weary and SCENTIENT Beings composer and father of Reekabilly music Faramund Stinktier to perform at the gala after-party on October 1
  • Confirmed: Carlos Geraldo Gato de León, director of Noon Nuttiness film I AM GEOFFREY’S CAT: MY HILAIREIOUS SEARCH FOR AN INDEPENDENT IDENTITY will hold auditions for his new film at The Burrow Theatre on October 3. Doors open to Park comedians and aspiring actors at seven o’clock in the morning
  • Confirmed: Actress Mary Margay (Black Cats Can’t Jump) will attend the gala opening, after receiving a personal invitation from director G.D. Zebra
  • Confirmed: Actress Millicent Hayberry (Mixed Nuts) will be in attendance throughout all five days of PIFF. No word as yet, however, whether candidate Hayberry will be there
  • Confirmed: The full lineup of films will be announced on Thursday

OTD in 2012—Park’s “Share the Hair Shake for Charity” happens tomorrow!

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The sun is shining, the air is warm, and we have almost three months to go before Winter officially arrives. What better time to slough off that unwanted hair and go for a quick dip before the cold sets in?

The Park’s semi-annual Shake for Charity gives you the chance to do just that and benefit a great cause at the same time.

The event will take place tomorrow from 9:00 am until midnight at the Wishing Well and organizers expect a record crowd to attend.

“We had an unusually hot, dry summer and some of us have seen our coats grow to a length we never thought possible,” says Andras Yak, head of the organizing committee. “This is a great opportunity for Park Animals to share this unusual bounty with others.”

And this season’s event, the second of the calendar year, will include some added touches that Yak says he believes participants will enjoy.

“We are very proud to announce that there will be a team of grooming professionals on hand to assist participants after the Shake. If you’re looking for a new hairstyle or you just want to tame your mane, the talented groomers from Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Mane Event, and Tallulah’s Toilettage will be happy to help you, free of charge. It’s all in the spirit of giving,” Yak says.

As usual, volunteers from The Park’s various charities will be on hand to collect hair until midnight. Refreshments will be available, as well, courtesy of The Compost Heap, Florette’s Fine Edibles, and Clowder.

So — come one, come all! Get up and out and shake yourself silly for the benefit of others!

If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!

OTD in 2009—Enterprises Moufettes recalls FeralNoMore™ over safety concerns

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In an unprecedented move, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has ordered retailers to halt sales of a popular scent-masking agent.

Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the manufacturer of FeralNoMore™ says it is recalling ten thousand cans of the spray after several Animals reported suffering ill effects from the product. The DWBS reported that two Animals were so overcome that they required short-term hospitalization.

The product, which the DWBS recommended last Spring in its Travel Advisory, is used by Animals to mask their origin and species, so that they may travel more freely outside The Park. In the recent past, FeralNoMore™ and other scent-masking agents have been credited with preventing a number of crimes against Park Animals, including kidnapping and enforced domestication.

According to a spokesAnimal for the DWBS, the most common conditions associated with FeralNoMore™ include pruritus (itching) and alopecia (hair loss). Both these effects are temporary, the spokesAnimal said, and Animals can be treated either in the physician’s office or at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Reports of memory and identity loss are unsubstantiated, the spokesAnimal said.

The spray product was a popular purchase at many shops in The Park, including the Reek-O-Rama and Footpad Heaven.

In a statement issued after the recall, Enterprises Moufettes said that it hopes to isolate the problem and return the product to market “as soon as possible.”

OTD in 2015—The new face of GoUnderground: Hieronymous Hedgehog

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HGoUnderground

A series of “Hieronymous Hedgehog for GoUnderground” ads will commence next month

Hieronymous Hedgehog is the new face of GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

The company announced today that it has signed an agreement with The Park’s much-beloved Hedgehog to produce a series of advertisements that will appear in Park newspapers, magazines, and on television. The ads will commence in October and will run until the end of November.

“We are pleased to announce that Hieronymous Hedgehog has agreed to be the spokesAnimal for our company,” today’s official press release said.

In a short radio interview this afternoon, Hieronymous said he was “pleased as punch” to have been invited to do the ads.

“I’ve been a regular customer of GoUnderground for years, as have most members of my family. I trust them to outfit me for the long Winter, and I’m not being paid to say that,” he laughed.

While this may be Hieronymous’s first commercial venture, it will not be his first encounter with fame. The Hedgehog appeared as a character in the famous Park novel, “The Way to Dr. Bourru,” and he is a regular contributor to The Mammalian Daily’s annual live coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day events.

GoUnderground’s Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, praised the company’s move, calling it a “perfect fit.”

“We all trust Hieronymous and we believe him when he says something. He’s as honest as any Animal can be. He says what he thinks, even when he doesn’t think,” Bongo said. “I’m confident that he will be good for our company and great for our bottom line.”

OTD in 2015—The Righteous Among the Humans: new TMD section to be curated by Noreen

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Official Noreen

Noreen will expand her rôle with The Mammalian Daily this year

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily announced today that Noreen will be expanding her rôle with the newspaper to include curating a new section called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.”

In a press statement issued this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that Noreen had made a pitch to the paper a few months ago that involved formally recognizing members of the Human species who do “great work on behalf of other Animals.”

“While we immediately recognized the value of such a section, we were, initially, reluctant to give over so much space to the Human species,” Haas admitted in the statement. “But Noreen convinced us that highlighting the good work done by Humans was very much in keeping with both our journalistic and charitable goals.”

Haas also said that Noreen was a “perfect fit” for the job, since “she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both formally and informally.”

“She knows them inside and out and if Noreen says, ‘these ones are worthy of our attention and respect,’ well, that’s good enough for us at The Mammalian Daily,” Haas said.

Haas also confirmed that Noreen plans to publish an open letter to her friends and fans outlining the details and goals of her new job.

The Righteous Among the Humans section will début this month on The Mammalian Daily’s web site.

OTD in 2014—Dare to compare, say budget opponents calling for massive protest Wednesday

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Three Budgets

Side by side: a comparison of the past three Park budgets

The 2015 “streamlined” budget that was presented by the Park Finance Office last month remains a contentious issue among residents, with some in the business community calling for a full re-think.

“I think we are owed some kind of explanation, as well as a full accounting, not this shoddy business that they’ve offered us,” say members of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

Also calling for a free and full public discussion of the matter is Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Not surprisingly, Whistlepig is not at all pleased with the 10% of the budget that is earmarked for “special events.” He says he has no idea how much of that 10% will go to Groundhog Day.

“Special events?” he asks. “Groundhog Day is so much more than a ‘special event.’ It’s the backbone of our community,” he says, exasperated.

“I’ve dealt with cutbacks and surpluses … back and forth. And last minute, too. But this is the most outrageous allocation of funds I’ve ever seen.”

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations is also calling for a re-do of the budget.

At her office this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, went on record as saying her department “cannot function with only 10% of the budget.”

“Are they forgetting how important these events are?” she asked.

Though reluctant to lend her support to the idea of a full-blown protest, Kanariar said she hopes the Archons and the PFO “take note of current sentiment.”

Meanwhile, both PASS and a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups have organized what they are calling a “massive protest” to be held on Wednesday. Plans so far are for protesters to meet in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“We have no doubt that we’ll be able to get our message out this way,” says Whistlepig.

OTD in 2015—Zebra activists to appear on Yannis Tavros call-in show Wednesday

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YannisTavros Callers, the lines are open.

Or, at least they will be on Wednesday afternoon, when Yannis Tavros’s guests will be Zebra activists Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra.

The pair, whose latest caper involved disrupting the Beats of Burden music festival by blocking the stage to the SCENTient Beings on Friday night, will be answering questions from callers for a full three hours.

“We’re looking forward to a lively discussion,” Toro Talk Radio said in its announcement this morning, after inviting  “all Animals who want to understand more about the Zebra community” to formulate their questions and head to the phones on Wednesday.

For his part, Tavros, who enjoys a reputation for outrageous behaviour himself, said he thought it was only fair to hear the activists’ side of the story.

“They have a problem with what Faramund Stinktier said [about believing that he was meant to be a Zebra] on this show two weeks ago and I think we should hear them out. Since nobody else stepped up, I thought it was only right for me to do so,” Tavros said at the end of his show today.

The program, which will be sponsored by hibernation outfitters GoUnderground, has been extended by an hour and will be re-run at midnight and offered as a podcast later in the month.

Faramund Stinktier has not commented on the Toro Talk Radio announcement.

OTD in 2014—Phoebe to read from award-winning book at The Squeakeasy on Tuesday

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Phoebic verses

“The Shy Poet” will read her from work Tuesday

Tuesday night is poetry night at The Squeakeasy but this coming Tuesday will see something unique: Phoebe will be reading from her award-winning book, Phoebic Verses.

“This is a first for Phoebe, and we’re thrilled that she’s agreed to do it,” says Kezban Aslan, manager of Kynikos Press, the book’s publisher.

Known in The Park as “The Shy Poet,” Phoebe did not even attend this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards, at which both she and her work were awarded all three of the prizes for which they were nominated.

Phoebe, herself, won the prize for Most Promising Newcomer, while the book won the award for poetry. The surprise came when Phoebic Verses was awarded the prize in the humour category.

“We were thrilled enough with the nomination because it was the first time in the history of the awards that a book of poetry had been nominated for humour. But winning sent us over the Moon,” Aslan says.

While the growing popularity of Domestic Canine poetry may have aided Phoebe in her sweep, Park readers unanimously endorse her gift for poetry and for expressing  “what many feel but few can say.”

Phoebe’s reading at The Squeakeasy will begin at 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 23, 2014. Doors open at 6:00 p.m.

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacking was likely the result of “Human error,” says Noreen

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Official Noreen

April’s Tree hacking was likely “human error,” says Noreen

The hacking in April of one of The Park’s largest data Trees was likely the result of “Human error,” rather than malicious intent, Noreen says.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies was participating in a panel discussion on Toro Talk Radio when she made the comment.

“Humans act as much out of ignorance as they do out of self-interest,” she said.

“And, often, the two go hand-in-hand. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the Humans who did the hacking had no idea whatsoever that the Tree was being used to store precious data.”

In fact, the Tree had been used for years by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The company’s long-term lease allowed the Squirrel to store his raw data in the Tree. Much of that data was recovered during the investigation into the hacking, but a significant amount was lost.

“I would bet the Humans thought that the Tree was ill or interfering with other vegetation,” she said. “I can’t imagine any other reason that they would deliberately hack the Tree.”

Noreen also cautioned the panel to remember the limitations of Humans’ senses.

“There are many things that Humans are not able to see and often they misinterpret the things they do see. And we shouldn’t forget, either, that the majority of them lean toward taking a negative view of things they do not understand,” she said.

 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in October.
For more information or to place a pre-publication order, please use this email address: lovelytolookatbook@trojanhorsepress.net

 

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

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