The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2013—Heavy police presence at polling stations disturbing to voters

By

Polling stationThe heavy police presence at polling stations around The Park during last week’s POPS election was disturbing to a large number of voters, according to a survey conducted by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The results of the survey, which were intended for internal use only, were leaked to The Mammalian Daily last night by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. The source attended a special meeting called to discuss the election results. That meeting included representatives from the DWBS, Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel, and members of an ad hoc committee whose duty it was to oversee the election. Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros was also present at the meeting.

According to The Mammalian Daily’s source, the purpose of the meeting was to ascertain the reason for the delay in determining the winner of the election and to discuss any irregularities in the voting or vote-counting process that may have occurred.

The source told The Mammalian Daily that the DWBS commissioned the survey in order to gauge Animals’ reaction to the presence of police during elections. Historically, police have not been present at POPS elections. They are usually peaceful events, as was the case this year. But the decision made by the DWBS to send police to the polling stations may have less to do with keeping the peace and more to do with plans to hold more elections in the future, the source said.

The election results, which were expected to be announced on November 8, are still pending.

OTD in 2016—”We don’t count votes by species,” Park Election Office head tells media

By

vote-by-speciesMembers of the media drew ire this morning from Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel when they pressed him on the subject of Groundhog participation in Monday’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

The media inquiries were made at a short press conference which Wezel had called to issue an update on the counting of votes and the estimated time of announcing the election winner.

But when the conference was opened up to questions, it became obvious that most media representatives were more interested in whether The Park’s Groundhog population had exercised its franchise in this unusual election.

After a few failed attempts to move past the question, a visibly annoyed Wezel issued a terse response: “We don’t count votes by species.”

The answer, though, seemed not to satisfy the media, who then pressed Wezel on the reason for the three polls the PEO conducted before the election, two of which indicated that The Park’s Groundhog population had become disenchanted with the present system.

Wezel did not directly answer that question, but he did confirm that the Archons and the PEO were looking at that polling information “very carefully.”

“All I can tell you right now is that there are going to be changes made to the POPS elections,” he said. “We are rapidly outgrowing this system and we need to take action as soon as possible.”

OTD in 2011—Book Review: Shaken But Not Stirred

By

When violence broke out between Park Police and protesters at an otherwise peaceful anti-amalgamation rally in August, many Animals (both in attendance and at home) assumed that The Park’s court system would deal with the fallout. After an open investigation into the matter, which relatively few Animals attended and which was only covered superficially by Park media, the event receded into memory. Never mind that one Goose was killed and several others were injured at the event; there was The Park’s film festival to attend and hibernation preparations to be made, among other (seemingly more important) things.

Contrast this with the intense reaction to the murder of the Tartan Crab, the Groundhog Day violence, and the Mongoose weather trial and you might think you see a growing trend toward apathy among Park residents.

That is, in fact, what is happening, says veteran psychoanalyst Dr. Berthilidis Strix, who is best known as co-author of the book, The Silent Cluck.

In her new book, Shaken But Not Stirred, Strix discusses the two distinct lines that she sees forming in The Park: growing prosperity alongside growing apathy. In Strix’s view, it is at the point at which these lines intersect that they become a threat to our way of life.

Unlike many analysts, Strix believes that these two seemingly independent streams feed each other and that, in fact, our growing apathy is responsible, in part, for our growing prosperity:

“Without this new-found ability to ignore the plight of others, it would be next to impossible for us, in good conscience, to amass these great quantities [of food and other material goods]…and, now, the pursuit of same has become the foundation of our growing economy.”

Strix is highly critical of what she calls this “new division of consciousness” and warns that unchecked apathy will have dire consequences for Park Animals in the future.

“We need only look to other species to see the end result [of apathy]”, she writes.

While Strix emphasizes in Shaken But Not Stirred that she can offer no solutions, one suspects that these may appear before long in a follow-up book. Her insights are far too important to serve only as philosophical fodder.

OTD in 2012—2012 Archons to make public education their legacy

By

With a little more than two months to go before their term ends, the 2012 Archons announced plans today for “swift action” on their initiative to establish standardized public education in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt unveiled the official plan for the establishment of a system of “dedicated venues” across The Park “to fulfill the burning need for a standardized system of education for our young.”

The plan, which bears the name “Harmony Through Education” has been years in the making, but the 2012 Archons felt the need had become urgent.

“After we read the results of the [education] study that was commissioned by the 2011 Archons, we knew we had to act,” Newt said.

The Archons explained their decision in a statement released prior to the press conference. It read, in part:

Interspecial harmony is a cornerstone of The Promise of The Park and it is under threat. Several studies have shown a growing lack of knowledge of and lack of exposure to other species among our young. This, we believe, has contributed to the increase in incidents of interspecial violence over the past few years. At the same time, we are seeing dwindling knowledge of The Park’s history among all species, as the oldest Park citizens die off and the young turn their attention elsewhere. We can no longer afford the luxury of leaving education to the family; we must accept the responsibility of educating The Park’s young in a organized fashion. If we do not, we put the future of The Park at risk.

Newt concluded the press conference by affirming the outgoing Archons’ commitment to The Park’s future.

“To us, the future is now. Let this be our legacy, then, that we said enough studies have been done, enough opinions have been expressed. We need to take action and swiftly,” he said.

_______________________________________________________________________

RELATED ARTICLES:

 _______________________________________________________________________

OTD in 2015—The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

By

POPS 2016

The polls are open.

At sixteen different stations around The Park, the ballots are neatly stacked and election officials stand at the ready to assist voters as they file in.

“The race is on. All that’s left is for Park Animals to tick whichever box belongs to the candidate they think will perform the duties of POPS best,” said an exhausted-looking Gerritt Wezel this morning.

If voter turnout is as high as it has been over the past few years, the Park Election Office head estimates it will take at least three days to count the votes and determine which of the 207 candidates will be 2016’s Park Official Prognosticator of Spring.

“However long it takes, though, you’ll know almost as soon as we know,” Wezel says.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY’S ELECTION

  • The polls will be open until 11:00 pm
  • All adult resident Animals are eligible to vote
  • ID is recommended but not mandatory

OTD in 2016—As POPS mega rally begins, Tavros gets support from 2016 Keeper of the Nut

By

tavros-poster-sans-wallIn what many are calling a “November unnerving,” 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf announced late last night that he will attend today’s POPS All Candidates’ mega rally in support of Yannis Tavros.

Girraaf, who last year became the first large Animal elected by The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) to serve as Keeper of the Nut, says it’s “high time this position became more inclusive.”

In a radio interview this morning on Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, Girraaf said that Tavros’s candidacy is not only groundbreaking, but “the logistical extension of what Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon put in place in 2003, when he opened up the position to elections with candidates from all species.”

But SAHC president Malinda L. Hamster, who last year expressed great joy at her community’s decision to elect Girraaf, says she herself has reservations about electing Tavros to the position.

“It isn’t his species that bothers me; it’s his temperament. He fluctuates wildly in both opinion and mood and I know that it takes a more steady temperament to be POPS,” she says.

“It isn’t just about the prediction, which arguably any Animal of any size or species could do. It’s about dealing with the pressures, before, during, and after. Predictions are disputed, those elected POPS in the past have been vilified and threatened. I don’t believe Yannis Tavros has the temperament to withstand such criticism. And I know he doesn’t have the discipline to stay quiet while his prediction is disputed.”

Despite her reservations, Hamster says that should Tavros win the election, she will abide by the decision of The Park’s Animals.

“It is an election, after all. And we must have faith in our fellow citizens,” she says.

OTD in 2015—POPS election update: so many candidates, so little time for debate

By

Elections AheadLATE BREAKING NEWS

The numbers are in and they’re huge.

When Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel booked today’s press conference, he didn’t expect to have to postpone it. But that he did— twice—because even though registration closed at noon, it took over three hours for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to certify the registration forms.

And the final number?

“Would you believe two hundred and seven?” Wezel told the press. “And only twenty per cent of those are repeats.”

Given the numbers and the limited amount of time for debate, those twenty per cent may regret their decision to stand as candidates.

That’s because, according to new rules put in place today, repeaters will be allowed to speak for only one minute, exactly half the time allotted to new candidates.

“We had to draw the line somewhere, or the debate would go on all night,” Wezel said. “And since we’ve already heard from them, I think that’s fair.”

As it is, since the debate will last almost seven hours, the starting time has been moved up to two o’clock in the afternoon. Candidates will begin filling the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at noon, Wezel said, but attendees will not be allowed in until one.

If you’re planning to stay for the entire thing, however, there is one bright spot: refreshments will be available until eight o’clock, courtesy of The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

  • The debate starts at two o’clock
  • Attendees may come and go as they please
  • There is no age limit, but remember that very young Animals may cause a disturbance and delay the proceedings
  • Refreshments are available until eight o’clock
  • POPS Election Day is November 7

OTD in 2014—Simply Structures sues after losing bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

By

jgroundhogdayBREAKING NEWS
Simply Structures has filed suit against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations after losing its bid to construct the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations.

In a short statement issued to media early this afternoon, the 2014 Archons confirmed that they had received notice of the suit.

“It is with regret that we confirm that Simply Structures, one of The Park’s oldest and most respected construction companies, with whom we have a longstanding relationship, has filed suit against us and against the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, for damages related to loss of income and alleged defamation. We are saddened by the company’s decision, but we intend to meet these allegations head-on in the days and months to come,” the statement reads.

The construction company is believed to have engaged the services of the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg in mid-October, after they were informed by the department that they had lost their bid. The department announced at the same time that they had selected Nesthetics as the builder of the 2015 prognostication pad.

OTD in 2015—Hieronymous Hedgehog invokes uncle at emotional swearing-in ceremony

By

Hieronymous Hedgehog It was comfortably warm yesterday afternoon and outside the law courts, a crowd gathered to watch Hieronymous Hedgehog take the oath of office as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.

Standing at the podium afterwards to deliver a short but moving speech, his spines sparkled in the midday sun. He paused just once to brush away a tear as he spoke of his much beloved uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 2000 and died in 2008, a victim of premature awakening from hibernation.

“I never thought I’d be able to pay tribute adequately to my Uncle Hamlin,” Hieronymous said. “And I never thought I’d have the chance to thank him for all he did for me and for The Park.

This honour—and this opportunity—mean everything to me. By sharing everything I know (and then some) about the process of hibernation, I will be contributing to interspecial understanding in The Park. But even more than that, I hope to save lives during my tenure. Because—let me warn you—I intend to take full advantage of my new position to raise awareness of the perils of premature awakening and its underlying causes. It’s the least I can do, not just for my Uncle Hamlin, but for the many victims of PA and their friends and families,” he said.

He also pledged to begin his new job “as soon as I leave this podium,” since the official date of hibernation is just two weeks away.

“I say,” he concluded with a smile, “I’ll be working nonstop until I go into hibernation myself, and by that time, you’ll be glad not to hear from me for a while.”

For everything you ever wanted to know about hibernation, follow Hieronymous on Twitter at HieronymousH.

OTD in 2014—Struts out; new budget to be tabled in late November: PFO

By

Milton Struts has been relieved of his duties as of November 3

BREAKING NEWS
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has been “relieved of his duties as of November 3, 2014,” according to a communiqué distributed to Park media this afternoon.

In the communiqué, all 35 of the 2014 Archons who signed it laud Struts for his “dedication and hard work on behalf of Park citizens,” but they say simply, “it is time for a change.”

“Familiarity with a subject clouds the vision,” they say in the communiqué,” and The Park’s finances “call for clear, fresh eyes.”

To that end, The Park Finance Office says it will appoint a panel of financial experts to produce a completely new 2015 budget. A new head of the Finance Office will be named some time in the new year.

Struts, a longtime employee of the Park Finance Office, rose to prominence over the last decade and became its head six years ago. Known for his steadfast support of Park citizens. particularly refugees and immigrants, Struts was the architect of the last five Park budgets, including the most recent — and most controversial — 2015 budget, which he presented on August 30.

Struts was last seen attending the awards ceremony at the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). He did not appear at last Tuesday’s annual Account of the State of The Park.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

November 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30