The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2007—Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Bowling Ball

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Today’s ball is the BOWLINGball.

The bowling ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally designed as a culinary tool, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the bowling ball was the first vessel used by the Cave Dog when he began to mix and cook his morning gruel.

Shards gathered at the rich clay areas of The Park suggest that the first bowling balls were earthenware creations. These balls originally had no holes; later balls discovered near the site were found to have three holes. Scholars postulate that the Cave Dog added holes at a later time in order to allow steam to rise from the ball when it was placed on the open fire.

As Canine cooking methods evolved, Dogs began to favour open pots. Bowling balls were relegated to the shelves as decoration until many centuries later, when they became one of the tools of War Dogs in Human military campaigns.

Military logs displayed in The Park’s Canine Military Museum reveal that the bowling ball was used by the War Dogs as a “paw grenade.” After filling it with gunpowder, the Dogs rolled the ball into enemy territory, where it exploded. So successful was this manoeuvre that it was employed in many wars and came to be known as the “three-hole punch.”

As more sophisticated combat methods replaced the “paw grenade,” the ball’s use became strictly recreational. Since that time, the bowling ball has provided many hours of joy for Dogs everywhere.

Sources: Canine Culinary History, Volume 1; Annals of the Canine Military Museum, “L’enfer, c’est la guerre,” by Denis Bagarre; Various newspaper articles and reports. 

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

OTD in 2007—The Wolves at our door

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Wolves editorialEDITORIAL

Two pieces of news came to our attention this week: the Archons intend to debate The Park’s open immigration policy and Humans have declared open season on the Wolves roaming lands outside the Park.

It is as easy to see the connection between the two as it is to see the likelihood of tragedy as a consequence of both.

Here, in The Park, our policy of open immigration has suffered some damage to its reputation, of late. The withering economy, population growth, food shortages – all these things, and more, have caused some Park Animals to call for a re-thinking of our policy. Why extend to strangers what we worked so hard for, their reasoning goes. Why not keep the good thing that we have to ourselves, and let others fend for themselves?

Why, indeed.

In these difficult times, it is insufficient to respond with the usual arguments: that more Animals from different places make for a richer Park, both culturally and economically, or that The Park has always been a refuge for the unwanted, the hunted, the wounded, the poverty-stricken, the starving, and the scared.

These arguments will not work on Animals who have turned away from The Park’s fundamental principles. We must invoke stronger arguments, lest the pressure on the Archons to enact changes become too much for them to bear.

Fellow citizens, we need only look outside The Park to see the consequences of exclusionary policies. The Human world is built of countries, cities, towns, and villages that would refuse us succour. Is this the model that we wish to emulate?

Hope, decency, concern for our fellow Animal – these are the qualities that separate us from Humans, the qualities that make us distinct. Why should we demean ourselves by hoarding instead of sharing, by shutting our doors, instead of welcoming newcomers, by limiting the numbers of those who might prosper here, unfettered and unafraid?

When the Wolves come knocking on our door this Winter, this is the question we must ask ourselves: Are we Mice or are we Men?

This editorial originally appeared in Issue #119 of The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2013—CAA to ISG: “This is not the Dog paddle we asked for!”

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This is not the Dog paddle the CAA asked for

The Canine Athletic Association lost its bid to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive swimming stroke, but the ISG 2013 Committee gave the green light to Dog paddling in a canoe across the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

The Canine Athletic Association has lost its bid to have the Dog paddle reinstated as a competitive swimming stroke in time for the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

In a statement released on Friday, well past the time the ISG 2013 Committee originally said it would announce its decision, the Committee wrote that there had not been enough time to examine all aspects of the issue and to evaluate the consequences of such a “bold decision.”

In an interview this morning on Canine Communications Radio, CAA President Alexandre Caniche called that a “ridiculous excuse.”

“I fail to see what the consequences would be,” he said. “And, truth be told, they’ve had over a year to deliberate. I would hardly call that not enough time. I also take issue with calling the reinstatement of the swimming stroke a ‘bold decision,'” he said.

In addition to the announcement nixing the Dog paddle stroke, the ISG Committee confirmed on Friday that the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games would be the first to include a Canine canoeing event across the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

While the CAA has refused to comment officially on that issue, President Caniche had strong words for the ISG Committee members:

“I would ask the Committee a simple question: who is to benefit from keeping the Dog paddle out of the competition? I would cautiously assert that the answer to that question might lead to a place the ISG Committee does not wish us to go.”

OTD in 2016—Introducing PIFF Piffle: relevant irrelevancies about our annual film fest

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalThe Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) is one of our most popular annual events. Yet, very little is known about its inner workings: the behind-the-scenes triumphs and tragedies, the disasters or even near-misses, and the antagonism, jealousy, and pettiness that play a part in The Park’s most cutthroat film industry.

But that is all about to change this year.

As a celebration of the festival’s twelfth year and in recognition of the maturation of the industry over the past decade and the value of film in Park life, The Mammalian Daily has given a new assignment to our official PIFF reporter, Aivis Burunduks. From now until the end of the festival, Burunduks will be reporting from behind the camera, behind the curtain, and behind the press conference. He’ll show you what goes into making a PIFF-worthy film and how that film makes it into the festival. He’ll expose the messy machinations of the industry and introduce you to the fire-breathing producers and the pandering publicists.

So, take a seat while we take you on a whirlwind tour of the second-greatest show in The Park.

OTD in 2015—August, August: What a busy month!

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cowcoffeeMillicent Hayberry “seriously considering” POPS bid: rumour

Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

Park ART Walk 2016 partners with EQUALSS charity to celebrate the work of the striped and spotted

Tinamou nest found outside Park; eggs replaced with Bailey’s Ball

Gunnar Rotte tweets, then takes his case to the Archons

Weekend shocker: Gossip site says Rapper’s father is also his brother

A peek at Holstein Fashion’s “Creations from the EDAM Collection”

Cosmopolitan Pest Magazine poll finds PFO head Abeja liked, well-respected

Budget 2017: A year when words mean more than numbers

UWT group to Rotte: Learn how to do social experiments or leave them to us

PIFF 2016 sneak peek: Noon Nuttiness

Belles and Whistles to join lineup at Beats of Burden festival in September

PFO head Valentina Abeja: “Don’t hesitate! Pollinate!”

Park citizens not as politically savvy as in previous decades: UWT study

OTD in 2012—Douglas Cheetah at work on new documentary

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Renowned Park film director and proud University of West Terrier alumnus, Douglas Cheetah, is hard at work on a new documentary that he says will be ready for release in time for the 2013 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

Best known for his controversial 2007 (25 AZ) film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, Cheetah has turned his attention to the interspecial family which, he says, can be found in all parts of the world.

“We think of it [the interspecial family] as existing solely outside The Park and, always, with Humans as part of the mix,” he says. “But that isn’t true at all. I found interspecial families everywhere, including in The Park. And, in many cases, it was because a conscious choice had been made, rather than as a result of some kind of hardship.”

Most interspecial families, he says, suffer from misunderstanding and there is a deep prejudice against them because they are associated with enforced domestication.

“Of course, that is the foundation of many of these families outside The Park,” Cheetah says. “But not all. And among the families I studied, there were several that had no Human members. Some had made the choice to open their homes and families to other species without any prompting; some had done so as a response to some familial or environmental disaster. Either way, these families are not what we in The Park tend to think they are. A great many of them are happy and loving groups who support each other and who have had success in their lives. They are valuable to each other and to the wider world. I think their story is well worth telling,” he says.

OTD in 2016—Park citizens not as politically savvy as in previous decades: UWT study

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CLueless

A new study out of the University of West Terrier’s Barnaby School of Government concludes that Park citizens are not as politically savvy as they were in previous decades.

Entitled, “Clueless,” the study, which will be published in the October issue of the Park Journal of Politics and Government (PJPG), found that a large number of Park citizens have virtually no knowledge of our system of government or its origins.

“Without being unnecessarily harsh, I think this shows what many of us have felt: that too many of our citizens—of all generations—have been lulled into a false sense of security and do not feel the need to engage politically,” says Delia Quagga, the author of the study and the School’s head.

According to Quagga’s research, that sense of security is particularly strong among those who were born into zoocracy at a time of relative peace among the species.

“They’ve always lived under peaceful Animal self-rule. They seem to believe that the battle has been fought and won forever. And that makes them extremely vulnerable,” Quagga contends.

The study also found that many Park citizens feel free to engage in stereotyping, primarily because they don’t remember a time when such behaviour posed a danger to peace.

“All of this underscores the need for us to communicate more effectively about history and politics,” Quagga says. “We mustn’t allow a situation in which Park citizens take anything for granted.”

OTD in 2013—The Promise of The Park: should we still believe?

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The Promise of The ParkEDITORIAL
Over 31 years ago, the Animals who were resident in The Park took to the water, to the streets, and to the skies to celebrate the unlikeliest of events: the return of a piece of land to those who had inhabited it from its earliest days.

Though that victory was hard-won, we remain proud that it was not hard-fought. It was Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, who declared that self-government should be achieved without violence.

“It is by the strength of our numbers and not of our teeth and claws that we will win back what is rightfully ours,” he proclaimed.

And so he led thousands of Animals out of the darkness of danger and subjugation into the light of peace and autonomy. Incorporating his long-held beliefs and newly-acquired understanding, he established a code of laws that he hoped would enable all manner of species to prosper, to find happiness, and most importantly, to live together peacefully in The Park.

But, even more than that, Jor established The Park as a sanctuary. The Park, he declared, would be a place where all Animals would be welcome, no matter who they were or whence they came, whether they were threatened or abused or simply seeking a new home. It would be a place where all Animals would be entitled to equal treatment and opportunity. And a host of opportunities there would be, for all who arrived here and for their descendants. This lofty goal was enshrined in law and it came to be known as “The Promise of The Park.”

Time has removed some of the shimmer from that promise, as time is wont to do. There have been breaches; infractions have been brought to light, the economy has become stagnant. And questions have been raised about our ability to live up to Jor’s ideals.

Questions are good. Questions lead not only to answers, but to insights. And they enable us to see ourselves as others see us. We should never be afraid of questions. But do we need to question The Promise of The Park, itself?

We don’t think so.

While law, The Promise of The Park is still an ideal, a goal, an aspiration. It is a work in progress, something that requires both regular tuning to work properly and respond to environmental changes and daily vigilance to ensure its safety in a hostile and uncertain world.

When The Promise is threatened, whether from outside or from within, our belief in ourselves and in our abilities is threatened. But our belief in The Promise never should be. Nor should we succumb to these threats; instead, we should renew our commitment to the ideals that are the foundation of The Park’s laws.

The Promise of The Park is intangible, but real. And we believe.

OTD in 2014—AVN TV to turn its lens on Humans

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This Autumn, the AVN Television Network (AVN TV) will begin broadcasting a new live television series that will focus on Humans as they spend time in The Park.

AVN’s Chief Executive Officer Orville Condor and Program Director Izrine Corneille made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“We [at AVN TV] have a unique perspective on The Park, and we want to use that perspective to serve our customers,” Corneille said. “This show is truly for the Birds. It will be amazing … watching them watch us watching them.”

Corneille said the show will be broadcast for two hours (one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon) every day of the week. The network’s initial contract with the show’s producers calls for the series to run for 12 consecutive months.

“We wanted to show Humans in every season, starting with the Autumn,” Condor said. 

The show is scheduled to begin on September 22.

AVN Television is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, CLucK Radio and The Avian Messenger.

OTD in 2015—PFO head Valentina Abeja: “Don’t hesitate! Pollinate!”

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PollinatePark Finance Office head Valentina Abeja took some time off today from talking about her 2017 budget to discuss what she calls her ultimate passion: pollination.

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio’s Sunday morning show, Abeja, who presented her second budget on August 17, strongly encouraged her compatriots to “get out and pollinate for the good of The Park and its residents.”

“I implore all who are able to get out and do your job and pollinate, for the sake of our survival,” she said.

Abeja also took the opportunity to unveil an initiative that she and A.P. Civet, president of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), collaborated on. Called “Pollinators’ Progress,” the initiative helps pollinators keep track of their efforts and rewards them through a points system.

“It’s simple,” Abeja said. “The more points you receive, the more rewards come your way.”

Although Abeja did not elaborate on the nature of the “rewards,” the PFO head was quick to quash any notions that this was a system of payment for pollinators.

“We are not in the business of paying Park citizens to pollinate. Not at all. What we are doing is trying to encourage those who can to get out and do their part for The Park,” she said.

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