The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2015—The new face of GoUnderground: Hieronymous Hedgehog

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HGoUnderground

A series of “Hieronymous Hedgehog for GoUnderground” ads will commence next month

Hieronymous Hedgehog is the new face of GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

The company announced today that it has signed an agreement with The Park’s much-beloved Hedgehog to produce a series of advertisements that will appear in Park newspapers, magazines, and on television. The ads will commence in October and will run until the end of November.

“We are pleased to announce that Hieronymous Hedgehog has agreed to be the spokesAnimal for our company,” today’s official press release said.

In a short radio interview this afternoon, Hieronymous said he was “pleased as punch” to have been invited to do the ads.

“I’ve been a regular customer of GoUnderground for years, as have most members of my family. I trust them to outfit me for the long Winter, and I’m not being paid to say that,” he laughed.

While this may be Hieronymous’s first commercial venture, it will not be his first encounter with fame. The Hedgehog appeared as a character in the famous Park novel, “The Way to Dr. Bourru,” and he is a regular contributor to The Mammalian Daily’s annual live coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day events.

GoUnderground’s Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, praised the company’s move, calling it a “perfect fit.”

“We all trust Hieronymous and we believe him when he says something. He’s as honest as any Animal can be. He says what he thinks, even when he doesn’t think,” Bongo said. “I’m confident that he will be good for our company and great for our bottom line.”

OTD in 2015—The Righteous Among the Humans: new TMD section to be curated by Noreen

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Official Noreen

Noreen will expand her rôle with The Mammalian Daily this year

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily announced today that Noreen will be expanding her rôle with the newspaper to include curating a new section called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.”

In a press statement issued this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that Noreen had made a pitch to the paper a few months ago that involved formally recognizing members of the Human species who do “great work on behalf of other Animals.”

“While we immediately recognized the value of such a section, we were, initially, reluctant to give over so much space to the Human species,” Haas admitted in the statement. “But Noreen convinced us that highlighting the good work done by Humans was very much in keeping with both our journalistic and charitable goals.”

Haas also said that Noreen was a “perfect fit” for the job, since “she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both formally and informally.”

“She knows them inside and out and if Noreen says, ‘these ones are worthy of our attention and respect,’ well, that’s good enough for us at The Mammalian Daily,” Haas said.

Haas also confirmed that Noreen plans to publish an open letter to her friends and fans outlining the details and goals of her new job.

The Righteous Among the Humans section will début this month on The Mammalian Daily’s web site.

OTD in 2014—Dare to compare, say budget opponents calling for massive protest Wednesday

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Three Budgets

Side by side: a comparison of the past three Park budgets

The 2015 “streamlined” budget that was presented by the Park Finance Office last month remains a contentious issue among residents, with some in the business community calling for a full re-think.

“I think we are owed some kind of explanation, as well as a full accounting, not this shoddy business that they’ve offered us,” say members of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

Also calling for a free and full public discussion of the matter is Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Not surprisingly, Whistlepig is not at all pleased with the 10% of the budget that is earmarked for “special events.” He says he has no idea how much of that 10% will go to Groundhog Day.

“Special events?” he asks. “Groundhog Day is so much more than a ‘special event.’ It’s the backbone of our community,” he says, exasperated.

“I’ve dealt with cutbacks and surpluses … back and forth. And last minute, too. But this is the most outrageous allocation of funds I’ve ever seen.”

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations is also calling for a re-do of the budget.

At her office this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, went on record as saying her department “cannot function with only 10% of the budget.”

“Are they forgetting how important these events are?” she asked.

Though reluctant to lend her support to the idea of a full-blown protest, Kanariar said she hopes the Archons and the PFO “take note of current sentiment.”

Meanwhile, both PASS and a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups have organized what they are calling a “massive protest” to be held on Wednesday. Plans so far are for protesters to meet in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“We have no doubt that we’ll be able to get our message out this way,” says Whistlepig.

OTD in 2015—Zebra activists to appear on Yannis Tavros call-in show Wednesday

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YannisTavros Callers, the lines are open.

Or, at least they will be on Wednesday afternoon, when Yannis Tavros’s guests will be Zebra activists Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra.

The pair, whose latest caper involved disrupting the Beats of Burden music festival by blocking the stage to the SCENTient Beings on Friday night, will be answering questions from callers for a full three hours.

“We’re looking forward to a lively discussion,” Toro Talk Radio said in its announcement this morning, after inviting  “all Animals who want to understand more about the Zebra community” to formulate their questions and head to the phones on Wednesday.

For his part, Tavros, who enjoys a reputation for outrageous behaviour himself, said he thought it was only fair to hear the activists’ side of the story.

“They have a problem with what Faramund Stinktier said [about believing that he was meant to be a Zebra] on this show two weeks ago and I think we should hear them out. Since nobody else stepped up, I thought it was only right for me to do so,” Tavros said at the end of his show today.

The program, which will be sponsored by hibernation outfitters GoUnderground, has been extended by an hour and will be re-run at midnight and offered as a podcast later in the month.

Faramund Stinktier has not commented on the Toro Talk Radio announcement.

OTD in 2014—Phoebe to read from award-winning book at The Squeakeasy on Tuesday

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Phoebic verses

“The Shy Poet” will read her from work Tuesday

Tuesday night is poetry night at The Squeakeasy but this coming Tuesday will see something unique: Phoebe will be reading from her award-winning book, Phoebic Verses.

“This is a first for Phoebe, and we’re thrilled that she’s agreed to do it,” says Kezban Aslan, manager of Kynikos Press, the book’s publisher.

Known in The Park as “The Shy Poet,” Phoebe did not even attend this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards, at which both she and her work were awarded all three of the prizes for which they were nominated.

Phoebe, herself, won the prize for Most Promising Newcomer, while the book won the award for poetry. The surprise came when Phoebic Verses was awarded the prize in the humour category.

“We were thrilled enough with the nomination because it was the first time in the history of the awards that a book of poetry had been nominated for humour. But winning sent us over the Moon,” Aslan says.

While the growing popularity of Domestic Canine poetry may have aided Phoebe in her sweep, Park readers unanimously endorse her gift for poetry and for expressing  “what many feel but few can say.”

Phoebe’s reading at The Squeakeasy will begin at 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 23, 2014. Doors open at 6:00 p.m.

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacking was likely the result of “Human error,” says Noreen

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Official Noreen

April’s Tree hacking was likely “human error,” says Noreen

The hacking in April of one of The Park’s largest data Trees was likely the result of “Human error,” rather than malicious intent, Noreen says.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies was participating in a panel discussion on Toro Talk Radio when she made the comment.

“Humans act as much out of ignorance as they do out of self-interest,” she said.

“And, often, the two go hand-in-hand. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the Humans who did the hacking had no idea whatsoever that the Tree was being used to store precious data.”

In fact, the Tree had been used for years by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The company’s long-term lease allowed the Squirrel to store his raw data in the Tree. Much of that data was recovered during the investigation into the hacking, but a significant amount was lost.

“I would bet the Humans thought that the Tree was ill or interfering with other vegetation,” she said. “I can’t imagine any other reason that they would deliberately hack the Tree.”

Noreen also cautioned the panel to remember the limitations of Humans’ senses.

“There are many things that Humans are not able to see and often they misinterpret the things they do see. And we shouldn’t forget, either, that the majority of them lean toward taking a negative view of things they do not understand,” she said.

 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in October.
For more information or to place a pre-publication order, please use this email address: lovelytolookatbook@trojanhorsepress.net

 

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2016—The Endeka Elephant Band plays on without its beloved bassist

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Tembo bass

Zuberi Tembo’s bass stood in front of the band last night at the Beats of Burden Music Festival

The ten remaining members of The Endeka Elephant Band took to the stage last night for the first time since the death this past July of their beloved bassist, Zuberi Tembo.

In an emotional mid-set tribute during the first night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival, each member of the band placed a rose at the foot of Tembo’s bass, which stood at the front of the stage for the entirety of their set.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of the Elephant they described as “a gentle soul who loved music and valued freedom.”

“Even though we miss him terribly, we know that Zuberi’s spirit is with us now and will live on forever in the music he made, in the work he did, and in his tireless fight for freedom,” band member Árvakur Fíl said.

The band followed that with a sweet and tearful rendition of “Recollections” and ended their set with “Seismic Connections.” They returned for only one encore: Tembo’s rousing, “Food For All.”

The Endeka Elephant Band returns tonight to play one last set at the festival.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival continues until midnight 18 September 2016.

OTD in 2015—Humans capable of feeling pain: study

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New research out of the University of West Terrier indicates that Humans are, in fact, capable of feeling pain.

The results of a study conducted by researchers from the UWT Department of Human Studies demonstrates “beyond doubt” that Humans not only feel physical pain, but they react to it in much the same way as other Animals do, the study’s author says.

Dr. Maarit Paarma, who oversaw the study of more than two thousand Human subjects, says she was surprised by the findings, but cannot argue with them.

“Even though there has been a great deal of speculation in this area over the years, we didn’t expect to refute earlier findings so decisively,” she says. “That was the biggest surprise—that there was, at the end, no doubt in our minds.”

Paarma’s two-part study, which examined Humans in isolation and in groups of varying sizes, concluded that Humans’ reactions to stings, bites, and other types of injuries were consistent with what are believed to be reactions to feeling pain.

“The reactions that we saw—and some of them were quite violent—were similar to the types of reactions that other Animals have when they are wounded,” Paarma says. “We concluded from this and other evidence that our Human subjects were quite capable of both feeling physical pain and of reacting to it.”

During the course of the five-year study, Paarma’s research subjects sustained a number of bites, stings, and blows to the arms, thighs, calves, stomach, and chest. The reactions to these injuries were “immediate,” says Paarma.

“We had concerns, as had other researchers before us, that Humans might simply be mimicking the normal reactions of other Animals. It was the immediacy of the reaction, however, that convinced us that not only did the subjects actually feel the physical pain inflicted on them but they were able to display clearly the effects of that feeling,” she said.

The results of the study could have wide implications, Paarma admits, but she would like to see other studies conducted before making any long-term recommendations. Still, she does believe that some alterations to our behaviour might be in order.

“Based on this new knowledge, I think we do have to take a closer look at the way we view and deal with Humans,” she says.

The results of the study will be published in the December issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

OTD in 2016—#PIFFPiffle: Rumour says Tab Tricolore to open Tabby Club to all for PIFF 2016

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The Tabby ClubThe latest out of the PIFF 2016 rumour mill is that celebrity chef Tab Tricolore intends to open up The Tabby Club to all during the five-day film fest.

The pub, which was founded and run by Jor, The Park’s first leader, has always been a “striped-only” establishment. That has caused some controversy in the past and in May, Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros launched his #BullinTheTabbyClub campaign after he was was denied entry to the pub.

But now, those close to him say that the Bad Boy chef has decided throw open the doors of his pub to all. But only for the duration of the festival.

“He wants to do it to celebrate the spirit of ‘full equality of experience,’ which is what WINK, the opening film, is all about,”  says Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla, the chef’s former saucier.

According to our sources, the celebrity chef and restaurateur was the driving force behind choosing WINK as the festival’s opening night film. WINK explores the experience of a group of Park citizens as they make the transition from being Animals of pattern to living their lives as solid-coloureds. The film’s subject matter is believed to be so dear to Tricolore’s heart that he was among the film’s financial backers.

Tricolore is expected to make an official announcement regarding the opening of The Tabby Club in the next few days.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) runs from 1-5 October 2016.

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