The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2016—Weather, Human Direct Investment blamed for rising number of Humans in Park

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Carrots growingOnce again, the weather and Human Direct Investment (HDI) have been blamed for the rising number of Humans we continue to encounter in The Park.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, A.P. Civet spoke of his group’s concern that Humans are harvesting even more crops this year due to what he called an “unprecedented extension” of the Summer season.

The president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), said he was enraged that the 2016 Archons had not dealt with the HDI situation.

“How many Animals have to go hungry before they take this seriously?” he asked, before echoing Kalliope Sun Bear’s lament at the Snowbird Farewell.

At that event, the president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) called the reduction of one percent for weather in the 2017 budget “a travesty” and predicted it would have a huge impact on next year’s harvest.

“If you are not directly involved in negotiating weather deals, you have no idea how much one percent actually buys and how much of a difference that one percent can make in the amount of food we have here in The Park and in the amount of food we will have to import,” she said.

Civet also warned that until HDI is eradicated, Park Animals will have to get used to higher food prices and, probably, shortages.

OTD in 2014—Controversial new “game” lets Animals experience capture, domestication

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New Park game

Groups blast game that lets players experience capture, domestication

A new game that bills itself as “the extreme Animal experience” is being criticized by many, including some of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

The game, which is called “Kokemus!,” was created by KartalTechSolutions, S.A. in association with Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment. This is the first time that Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment, best known for their award-winning film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, has ventured outside the world of film.

In a statement released today, leaders of the majority of The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid groups came down hard on the game, saying it “traumatized the young, caused and promoted fear, and made light of the real experiences suffered by Park Animals.”

Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers, a group that assists formerly domestic Canines, called the game “despicable” and suggested that it be outlawed as soon as possible.

“If the creators of this game knew anything about the situations they depict as fictional, they would never have produced such a thing. It is an insult to any Animal who has survived enforced domestication,” he said.

Inez Gallina, President of Home to Roost, echoed Deerhound’s sentiments this morning in an interview on CLucK Radio.

“They [the creators] must be heartless to suggest that it’s fun to put Animals through the kind of trauma that we see every day,” she said.

But Talia Katsikas, Founder and Director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company, praised the game.

“Anything that raises awareness of the plight of those who have experienced enforced domestication or suffered the pain and loneliness of immigration, is a positive thing, in my view. The more they play that game, the greater will be their understanding of many of our fellow citizens. We should all welcome any opportunity to spend some time in another Animal’s coat,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Canine Music Association, PHS join forces to push for Barkettes museum

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barkettes-museumThe Canine Music Association has teamed up with the Park Historical Society and members of The Park’s music community to push for the establishment of a museum to honour the life and work of Thisbe and the Barkettes.

In the current issue of the Association’s monthly newsletter, CMA president, R.F. Aarrf makes the case for the museum, writing that the disappearance last May of the set list from the first concert of the Barkettes’ Bring Your Own Bone tour was “the straw that broke the Barkettes’ back.”

“The intention was for the set list to be preserved for eternity,” Aarrf writes. “Instead, it was stolen from right under our noses because there was no security. If nothing else, this event highlights the need for a proper home to honour the group’s legacy.”

Aarrf also criticizes the decision to place the original sheet music of “Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed” at The Park Museum.

“With all due respect to The Park Museum, this is a travesty. Not to have a suitable home for such an important piece of Park musical history is an embarrassment to the Barkettes. Shame on The Park,” he writes.

This is not the first time that Aarrf has fought for a Barkettes museum. Two years ago, he called out the Park Finance Office (PFO) for incompetence and short sightedness for not properly supporting the arts and he warned that funding cuts and ignorance threatened the Barkettes’ legacy.

This time, Aarrf says he won’t take no for an answer, nor will his ally, Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces. In fact, they are asking everyone to sign a petition to tell the Archons that The Park needs a Barkettes museum.

“The Barkettes broke the species barrier when it came to music and they paved the way for the success of all other Park musicians. We are long overdue in honouring them by keeping their accomplishments alive for the next generations,” he said on the Yannis Tavros show yesterday.

OTD in 2016—PEO head says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in run-up to POPS election

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ballot-boxGerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office (PEO), says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in the run-up to this year’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

In a short interview yesterday afternoon, Wezel lamented that some “high-profile candidates” had thrown his office into a tizzy.

Taking a short lunch break at one of the two offices occupied by the PEO, Wezel opined that the POPS elections were getting out of hand and “straying from the original intent” set forth by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in his landmark ruling in 2003.

The PEO head estimates that his office is likely to process more than a thousand registration forms before the deadline of November 5, which is an increase of more than one hundred and fifty percent over last year.

Wezel’s concerns about the POPS elections aren’t new, nor are they only his. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates meet specific qualifications was met with resistance, but even at the time they acknowledged they would have to find a solution to the ever-increasing number.

“I try to stay impartial, but I do believe that they’ve stirred the pot once too often,” Wezel said. “Now, all Animals believe they’re qualified to become POPS and make a Groundhog Day prediction.”

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

OTD in 2014—Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

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headsNtales

Gossip site says Struts accepted food from a Human last month

Beleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

OTD in 2008: Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Squash Ball

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Today’s ball is the SQUASH ball.

The squash ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally found in European royal households (or courts, as they are called) cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the first squash balls were used by the court Dogs as vessels for the preparation and dispensation of medicines.

Early illustrations suggest that the first squash balls were hollow and inflexible spherical contraptions that were made of polished ebony. The first balls were manufactured in two pieces which were fastened together with two nails whose heads protruded at one end of the ball.

Historians postulate that one part of the ball was filled with dried leaves, berries, and other plant materials that Dogs ingested to relieve the symptoms of illness. The other part contained a number of rough stones. When the two parts of the ball were joined together, the ball was thrown hard against the wall, 50-100 times, in order to pulverize the materials inside. Once these medicaments were ground to a powder, they were dispensed through the holes that were left when the nails were removed.

Long after the ebony balls ceased to be used for grinding, the court Dogs still engaged in the ritual of throwing them against the wall. This sport was made even more pleasurable for them after they discovered rubber (more than 200 years before zoocracy) and began to manufacture the balls from this substance.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the squash ball.

Sources: Balls: History and Prehistory, Volume 5; The Ball Files; Royal Dogs and their Balls; The Effects of Balls on the European Court; The Use of Balls in the Modern Age; Butternut Balls: A Modern Study; BALLography:Historical Truths and other Tales about Balls; various newspaper articles and reports. 

Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com

OTD in 2016—ZEAL, Stinktier make peace at Snowbird Farewell

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zeal-stinktier

Zeal and Faramund Stinktier at Snowbird Farewell

Popular Park singer ZEAL and Faramund Stinktier of the SCENTient Beings duo set aside their differences yesterday to play an emotional set together at the annual Snowbird Farewell.

It was an intense few minutes, not only for the two musicians but for all the celebrants at the annual gathering in honour of The Park’s Avian migrators. A few seconds after concluding the duo’s greatest hit, “Beings and Nuttiness,” the father of Reekabilly music ushered his singing partner Harimann Stinktier off the stage and invited ZEAL to come up and perform with him.

A very surprised ZEAL graciously accepted the invitation, and they sang three songs—two of ZEAL’s and one of the Beings’—before they left the stage.

Asked later by a reporter whether he’d planned the move, Stinktier said he hadn’t.

“I saw him [ZEAL] standing there in the audience and, you know, we haven’t spoken since he backed out of performing at the Winter Solstice celebrations because of my decision to transition to a Zebra. But when I saw him, it just made sense to me to give it a try. I didn’t ask him for understanding and we have no plans to sing together again. It was just a moment and that moment seemed right for us to bring harmony to the event,” he said.

ZEAL has not said anything about his performance yesterday.

OTD in 2017—Park Museum to host exhibit honouring Prognostication Pad

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In celebration of almost fifteen years of elected prognosticators in The Park, The Board of Governors of The Park Museum today announced a new exhibit, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads.”

This multimedia exhibit will honour not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means that they have used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit will showcase the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

Included in the exhibit will be pad architects’ blueprints, messages, notes, and correspondence, press interviews with Chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., and videotaped interviews with former prognosticators. Throughout the Winter, the museum will also host Q&A sessions with architects and with journalists who have covered The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations over the years.

The exhibit will also feature memorabilia from POPS campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews and recorded speeches, as well as original documents from court challenges to the predictions.

“The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads” will run from 31 October until 14 February 2018.

OTD in 2012—Chief Archon’s “Barrels full of Monkeys”remark spurs call for widespread change

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A remark made by Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt at an important event has spurred a call for widespread change in The Park’s political process.

During the Annual Account of the State of The Park on October 27, Newt was asked about the recent finding that striped and spotted Animals do not fare as well economically as Animals who have solid or mixed coats.

“When I became Chief Archon,” he said, “I looked around at those who were serving in the various [government] departments and I saw that they were all Dogs and Cats and Geese and Whales and Dolphins and Snakes and Toads. And I said, ‘Why are there no Monkeys working in the government?’ So I got a group together to look at the problem and they brought me barrels full of Monkeys.”

While some believe the remark was a “misunderstanding of the question,” many Animals were outraged at what they called the Chief Archon’s “total lack of sensitivity toward Park Animals.” More vociferous critics declared Newt “unfit for the job”.

Antoine Lézard, who recently assumed the presidency of the newly-formed Coalition Against Sortition in the Park (CASP) called the Chief Archon’s remarks “toxic” and said that this is “just one more example of the inadequacy of the present system of Archon selection.”

“In my opinion,” he said, “Newt is not qualified to be an Archon and he would not be an Archon if Park Animals had been able to select Archons directly. Newt owes his position to a lottery and it is the Coalition’s belief that governance of The Park is too serious a matter to be decided by lottery.”

Archons who have served throughout the 30 years since zoocracy was established have been selected through sortition.  Also known as the “allotment” or “lottery” method, this is the system that was put in place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

Proposals for change in the Archon selection process have been made for over a decade. Thus far, however, they have failed to gain traction, since many Park Animals are still wary of the direct selection process.

“Sortition allows for a balance of species in the Archon mix,” contends Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS). “Direct elections can become a personality contest and the result could be the loss of adequate representation of many species.”

In Lézard’s view, Park Animals need to “be more forward-thinking.”

“Direct selection works well outside The Park. There is no reason it wouldn’t work well here, too,” he says.

In the meantime, the Chief  Archon, whose appointment ends on January 16, 2013, has refused to comment on the controversy he created.

OTD in 2015—Snowbird Farewell shocker: more come to the party, but fewer leave

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Snowbird Farewell

For every Park Bird who migrates, at least three will stay behind, new statistics say

As any Animal who has ever attended the event knows, the Snowbird Farewell is one of The Park’s most joyous and emotional Autumn celebrations.

It’s a chance to enjoy great food and entertainment, and to wish our Avian population well on their journey south.

But that’s not the way it always goes, these days.

“Time was, you’d say a teary farewell to your Avian friends and hope you would see them in the Spring,” says Dewi Beruang, who attended her tenth Farewell this year.

“These days, you say goodbye and then arrange to meet them the next day.”

Beruang is not the only one who’s noticed the difference: the tales of those who work in Avian aid organizations or whose businesses cater to Avians bear out her story.

“The Park’s permanent [Avian] population has increased dramatically, in part because more Birds are opting to stay in The Park year-round,” says Rafael Ortega, the chief organizer of the Fowl Ball. Last year, the charity decided to use the funds they raised from the event to build and maintain a retirement residence for the growing number of The Park’s wounded and elderly Birds.

“Many of them find migration difficult or impossible,” Ortega says. “We have to find them a permanent place to live.”

But illness and old age are not the only reasons that Birds are staying put.

“From what I can tell, life here has become less challenging in the Winter months, and life outside The Park more so,” says Nicoletta Cardinale, owner of  STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS, a travel agency that specializes in migration travel. Cardinale says business at the agency is down twenty percent from last year.

“A few years ago, we were swamped and I had to hire five new agents in one season. Now, I have to lay off the same five,” she says.

But Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) claims that not all Avian-related businesses are suffering, citing the “astronomical” growth of CyBird Dating Services and Gandermatch.com as examples.

“What’s good for the Goose, as they say,” he chuckles.

GooseBook, too, has noticed the difference.

“We’ve been tracking this for a few years now, and it’s true,” says GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.

“In the past, there was a lot of pre-migration activity as well as mid-trip and arrival posting. Now, there is much less travel-related Avian activity on the site, while, of course, there are more Birds joining every day,” he says.

And, finally, the Snowbird Farewell itself has seen what organizing committee president Cécile Bardot calls a “seismic shift” not only in attendance numbers but in the event’s raison d’être.

“There will always be migrators, of course, so we will always host the Farewell. But there may come a time when we have to expand its rôle in the social calendar. And, of course, we will need more funding,” she says.

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