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OTD in 2014—Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

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Varied weatherThe Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Police investigate infiltration of “Friends of Hieronymous”

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Above is Park Police artist’s rendering of suspicious LAdeH members.

Something is rotten inside the LAdeH (“Les Amis de Hieronymous”), otherwise known as The Friends of Hieronymous, and Park Police have been working to uncover its identity.

At a press conference held this morning, Serge Malinois, spokesAnimal for Park Police, outlined details of an “intensive” investigation that, he said, has been ongoing since February 12 of this year.

“The timing is significant, of course,” Malinois said, referring to the controversy that ensued when Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros made some derogatory remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog on his radio show that same day.

Immediately afterwards, a group calling itself Les Amis de Hieronymous sprang into action, demanding a formal on-air apology from Tavros. When it became apparent that the apology would not be forthcoming, the group became, in Malinois’ words, “aggressive, belligerent, and downright dangerous.” Group members took to the streets, protesting against both Tavros and the radio station, until the station was forced to suspend Tavros. With that success under their belts, the group members set their sights on undermining Park citizens’ confidence in their police force.

“It came to a head at the Return of the Nut,” Malinois explained at the press conference. When six of the 400 Animals arrested at the ceremony filed complaints against Park police officer Gareth Shepherd, alleging that he had bitten them repeatedly as he pushed them into a vehicle bound for the police station, “we knew something had gone awry,” Malinois said.

It wasn’t just that Shepherd is president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers and a well-respected member of the force. It was the coincidence that all six complainants were members of the LAdeH.

“A total of 400 Animals were arrested at that event, but only those from the LAdeH filed complaints,” Malinois said.

By the time the arrests were made (February 20), the investigators had compiled a “thick file” of information about the group and its members. They also had been able to confirm with Hieronymous Hedgehog that he had had no contact with the group and that he knew none of the six Animals who had filed complaints against Shepherd.

“What we are looking at here, we believe, are members of an anti-zoocratic group that has operated outside The Park for many years. This is the first time that we know of that their members have been able to infiltrate The Park. We are working closely with our contacts outside The Park to confirm our suspicions,” he said.

Malinois declined to answer questions regarding the fate of the suspects, who continue to be held in custody, nor would he confirm rumours that the charges against Shepherd will be dropped in the near future.

OTD in 2013—Park Museum puts out call for personal items, memorabilia

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The Park Museum, set to open later this year (barring any unforeseen delays), has put out a call for “personal items of historical interest” that Animals may be in possession of, including items they have purchased for their collections or have inherited from their families.

Sukuta Rhinoceros, one of the founders of The Park Museum and a member of its Board of Governors, made the appeal this week in a number of interviews on radio stations as well as in advertisements in most of The Park’s newspapers.

“What we are looking for are items that date back not just to the founding of zoocracy, but before that. Many Park Animals and their families were living here well before the establishment of Animal self-rule and, undoubtedly, they have items, including photographs, artists’ renderings, and printed materials, that would be of interest to the Museum,” he said.

Other artefacts, including tools and works of art, may also be of interest to the Museum.

The items will be included in an exhibit on Park life and will serve as the major part of the Museum’s collection. Donors who wish to contribute their artefacts to the exhibit maintain ownership of the items, but will be required to surrender them to the Museum on a permanent loan basis, Rhinoceros said.

Those who wish to pursue the matter further or who wish to have their items evaluated by the Museum’s curator may book an appointment at: curator@parkmuseum.info.

OTD in 2014—Mammalian Daily signs on to media’s “Month Without Metaphor”

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Month Without Metaphor

It’s a bold idea that is sure to make waves. And, this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed that The Mammalian Daily is coming on board.

“That is music to our ears,” said Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of The Park’s “Month Without Metaphor.”

The media-wide initiative, which is set to run for the entire month of May, promises to shake up what many regard as a moribund industry. And as of yesterday, almost ninety percent of The Park’s newspapers and magazines had agreed to participate in Tinamou’s “Grand Resuscitation.” The Mammalian Daily is the largest and latest to do so.

“We’re thrilled about it,” said Tinamou in an interview this afternoon. “The Mammalian Daily is such an influential paper in The Park and their participation gives us another quiver in our arsenal.”

The idea of the initiative, Tinamou says, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We think they’re enough. And not only do we think the facts are enough, we think all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring those facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during these challenging times, and we very much look forward to seeing how our readers react to being offered a month of just plain facts.”

The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2014.

OTD in 2010—Association pulls Cynics’ song from airwaves

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The Association of Park Radio Stations (APRS) has pulled one of the Cynics’ most controversial songs from the airwaves of its member stations.

The APRS, whose members include CLucK Radio, Marine Mammal Radio, Reptile Radio, Radio Drone, bRraydio 4, and Chitter, issued a memorandum early this morning, ordering the stations to cease play of The Cynics’ song, “Mothers don’t let your puppies grow up to serve Humans.”

The song, which was originally recorded as “Bitches, don’t let your puppies grow up to serve Humans,” formed part of the group’s debut collection, Eat Your Food. First released in 24 AZ, the collection was re-released in digital form in January of this year. Since then, it has set sales records in The Park, beating out Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, by the popular group, Thisbe and the Barkettes. The song has been controversial for years, but has garnered significantly more interest in the last few months.

At a press conference held following an ad hoc meeting at the offices of the Canine Music Association, CMA president, R.F. Aarrf, expressed dismay at the APRS decision.

“This [directive] is censorship, plain and simple,” he said. “And there is no room or reason for this kind of censorship in The Park.”

Aarf went on to challenge the APRS to a public debate on the song, in particular, and on censorship, in general.

“We want to receive a clear statement of what our radio stations believe to be sounds that are acceptable for the delicate ears of Park citizens,” he said.

In a terse reply, the APRS stated that songs it deems to “incite hatred or violence among Animals” will continue to be monitored and/or pulled from the airwaves of member stations.

“Our mandate is to bring to the attention of Park citizens music and lyrics that are born of Park talent. This mandate does not extend to censorhip, per se, but it does include a responsibility to all Park Animals to protect them from music that incites hatred and/or violence or that could, in some way, threaten our peaceful co-existence in The Park. Despite protests from some quarters, we have no intention of shirking this responsibility,” the statement read.

The Cynics, meanwhile, have remained mum about the controversy. But, in a note on their web site, posted 23 January, the group acknowledges that it has lent its support in the past to an unnamed anti-Human group in The Park. The musical group claims to have decided, however, to “leave politics to the politicians” and to expend “100% of its energy” on music.

OTD in 2015—Tab Tricolore: “Working on this art installation has saved me.”

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Tab Tricolore

Chef Tab Tricolore

It’s rare for Tab Tricolore to talk publicly about his feelings, but that’s just what happened yesterday.

During an interview with Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, the celebrity chef and award-winning author let down his guard for just a moment and talked openly about his life since his return to The Park in December.

“There were some very difficult days,” he said, about halfway through the interview.

Tricolore, whose PurrBoy Café opened on March 1 at The Park Museum, said he wasn’t ready to divulge any more details until he has talked to the police. But he did say that one of the bright spots in his life is the work that he’s been engaged in with other artists on an art installation.

The piece, entitled, “La Langue au Repos,” is due to open at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) this Spring.

“Working on this art installation has saved me,” Tricolore said, as he praised his fellow artists for their open-mindedness in welcoming him into the fold.

“I’ve told them they’re more than welcome to cook at any of my restaurants anytime,” he said. “Under supervision, of course.”

La Langue au Repos will open at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art in April.

OTD in 2016—Yannis Tavros threatens to reveal names of Mammalian Daily reporters

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YannisTavros BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has its lawyers poised to file a cease and desist order if Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros makes good on his promise to reveal the names of all of the newspaper’s journalists.

In a tweet this morning, Tavros said he planned to reveal the name of one journalist per day until he has named them all:

Tavros tweet

In an earlier tweet, the talk show host asked his followers if they agreed that it was time for the newspaper to reveal the names and species of its reporters. Tavros also claimed last week on his radio show that ninety per cent of Park Animals think it’s time for the paper to make the move toward transparency. He claimed the figure of ninety per cent came from a poll that he commissioned in February, just after Groundhog Day.

“The Animals of this Park have spoken and The Mammalian Daily should listen,” Tavros said in closing his show last Thursday.

In a statement issued an hour after the tweet was posted, TMD Managing Editor Orphea Haas said she would not be bullied into changing the paper’s longstanding policy of anonymous reporting.

“The Mammalian Daily will not bow to pressure from outsiders, particularly those who demonstrate a profound lack of journalistic integrity. When and if our editorial team decides to change our longstanding policy of anonymous reporting, it will be as a result of deep thought, full discussion, and conviction, It will not be the result of bullying,” the statement said.

Tavros has thus far not responded to Haas’s statement, nor has he indicated when he intends to begin naming the reporters.

OTD in 2014—Chief Archon Buckminster Moose: The Interview, Part Two

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BUCKMINSTER MOOSE

Chief Archon Buckminster Moose

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

This is Part Two of The Mammalian Daily’s exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose. Click here to read Part One.

As the 2014 Chief Archon shifts his weight in the big lounge chair, the full burden of his new job becomes obvious.

“It’s a great responsibility,” he sighs. “And one that I believe hasn’t been taken seriously enough these past few years.”

Moose pulls no punches when it comes to his assessment of some of The Park’s previous governments.

“Tourism, controlling our citizens, pandering to Humans…this is not the work our government should be engaged in,” he declares.

The Chief Archon has his priorities and these do not include any of the above. Instead, the two issues that are foremost on his mind are equality among Animals and a decent standard of living for all who reside here.

Lest one think this should be easy to achieve, Moose explains otherwise.

“Because we are no longer a new zoocracy — we are a young zoocracy, but not a new one — we are running into problems that even Jor [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy) could not have anticipated,” he says.

“There is now a certain tension between those who were here before, some of whom established this great Park, and those who have arrived more recently.”

Moose, who is himself a second generation Park citizen, says he finds the situation disturbing, “but not surprising.”

“We are all a bit territorial at heart,” he says. “And, once we’ve been here for a while, once we have left our mark on a place, we do tend to think of it as ours and we’re naturally a bit wary of those who come after us — those who might alter it in some way, or even those who benefit from what has been our life’s work. It’s not as if we’re not generous or we don’t want to share; we are and we do. But that doesn’t stop us from claiming certain things as our own and being offended when newcomers want to lay claim to them, as well.”

Moose says he doesn’t have “the ultimate solution” to The Park’s problems, but he does believe that returning to the basic tenets of zoocracy, to the principles that were put in place by Jor, is the right place to start.

“We need to remember where we came from and the reason we established this Park. We need to cohere. We can’t break apart and become, as we seem to be doing, separate beings, each trying to outdo the next. That will only destroy what we worked so hard to create,” he says.

This interview appears here in a condensed form. The full interview will be published later in the month.

OTD in 0216—Balls columnist lends private collection to Park Museum’s new Flyball exhibition

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Bailey Balls Columnist

Bailey: balls columnist and co-curator of Park Museum exhibition

The Mammalian Daily’s balls columnist has lent his private collection of balls to The Park Museum’s latest exhibition.

In a statement released today, the Board of Governors of The Park Museum and curator Dorika Pumi thanked Bailey for his “trust and generosity” in making the temporary donation and said the museum had benefitted immensely from his “vast knowledge of balls.”

Entitled, “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals,” the exhibition is the museum’s first sports-related event. According to the pre-opening information, it will not only highlight the sport of flyball, but will also serve as “a tribute to the enduring relationship between Animals and balls.”

Last July, Bailey announced that he was taking a leave of absence from his column at the newspaper to co-curate the exhibition along with the museum’s head curator Dorika Pumi. His private collection of balls includes over twenty different types, most of which he or his ancestors have used in play. Some, which were bought at auction, date from pre-zoocratic times.

The opening date for the exhibition has not yet been announced, but a spokesAnimal for the museum says public viewing will follow a gala opening, “in the early Spring.”

OTD in 0215—PFO head on 2015 budget: “We can’t have tomorrow’s lunch today.”

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pie chart

The head of the Park Finance Office has a message for Animals who, she says, may have unrealistic expectations of the 2015 budget.

“We can’t have tomorrow’s lunch today,” she said in a Mammalian Daily Radio interview this morning.

Valentina Abeja, who took office less than a month ago, was responding to a question by a listener about a “more equitable” budget.

Abeja said that after spending the past two weeks mulling over the results of the December public consultations on the budget, she had “renewed faith in the goodness of The Park’s population.”

Still, she cautioned that many of the items that Park Animals listed as “important” or “essential” will be impossible to include in the next two budgets for which she is responsible.

“I would say unequivocally that the future will be rosier, but I am dealing with the present and we have to rein in our expectations,” she replied.

As we are already into the third month of the year, Abeja said her first priority is to present a feasible budget.

“After that, we will have longer to think about 2016 and how to meet both our economic and political goals,” she said.

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