The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Getting to know you, getting to know all about you: Mammalian Daily to publish series of survivor profiles

By

The Mammalian Daily announced today that it has engaged the services of a pair of noted biographers to write a series of pieces about refugee Animals who have made their homes in The Park.

The series, which will be called “Survivor Profiles” will appear under the Influential Animals tab on the newspaper’s web site.

“We think we know our friends and neighbours,” said a spokesAnimal for the paper. “But the truth is, there are things we don’t talk about sometimes, such as where we came from and what life was like there. This series will give us a chance to get to know each other in a deeper way.”

The profiles will appear monthly and will be written by biographers Adeola Kifaru and Kamilah Tembo. Kifaru’s latest work, Ululate!, was described in a recent book review as “the most touchingly-written true story published to date”. Kamilah Tembo, who won the biography prize at the 2011 Park Annual Literary Awards (now known as Chitter Radio Literary Awards) for her book, Never Too Soon, is, herself, the daughter of Park refugees.

The Survivor Profile series will begin this month.

OTD in 2015—One last time: Barkettes announce final Park date of Bring Your Own Bone tour

By

BARKETTES final ticketThisbe and the Barkettes have announced the final Park date of their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour. That date is August 22.

The announcement came in the form of a letter to their longtime fans and fellow Park citizens:

Dear friends, fans, and fellow citizens:

It is with a mixture of anticipation and sadness that we announce that our final Park concert will take place on August 22, at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

We cannot fully express the joy that this leg of the tour has brought us. The Park has always been our home—not just our first home, but our only home. And over the course of the years, our fellow Park citizens have become members of our family. Every time we leave, a piece of ourselves remains here and when we return, we are made whole again.

The gratitude that we feel for the way that you all have received us after such a long hiatus is immense and overwhelming. You have touched our hearts and renewed our spirits and our love of this place and its extraordinary Animals.

Although we cannot say for sure when we will meet again, please know that you are foremost in our minds and that we will make every effort to come home as soon and as often as possible. In the meantime, we look forward to an amazing concert full of surprises on August 22 and one last opportunity to see you on this tour and thank you with our music.

All our love always,

Thisbe and the Barkettes 

heart

 

 

OTD in 2016—July, July: What a month in The Park!

By

  1. Where’s the comma? Ancient Open-Air Theatre rebrands itself for a new era
  2. Harmonious Humphrey and Hannah one year on: what have we learned?
  3. Security workers threaten bark-to-rule action over right to bite policy
  4. Park Museum to present Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection
  5. Literacy rates lowest in Park’s feral communities: study
  6. ZEAL to perform at Stereotype Sunday
  7. Is” long haul” government the way of the future? New political group says yes
  8. And then there were ten: Endeka Elephant Band member murdered on trip home to visit family
  9. Park ART Walk to honour bass player Zuberi Tembo with new logo
  10. Flyball Finals take on new significance
  11. Tab Tricolore establishes new annual event: The Feral Roots Festival
  12. Draft Summit update: farmers demand end to Human Direct Investment in Park
  13. GoUnderground Park’s most hospitable shop: survey
  14. Body of Zuberi Tembo interred in Africa; memorial service to be held in Park
  15. Mark your calendars: August 17 is budget day in The Park
  16. Art museum confirms theft of iconic painting, “Swine with Ewe”
  17. Holstein Fashion honours Zuberi Tembo
  18. Coalition calls emergency meeting at Cackling Goose to discuss budget
  19. Did DWBS safety alert come too late for some?
  20. EDAM statistics show how economy affects Animals’ view of domestication
  21. Park Museum’s EDAM Gala sells out

OTD in 2012—CAA renews campaign to “Bring Back the Dog Paddle!”

By

The Canine Athletic Association has renewed its campaign to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive stroke.

In a statement published today, the Association once again asserted that the swimming stroke, which fell out of fashion some years ago, is an excellent test of aquatic prowess and should be reinstated in time for the next Interspecial Summer Games in 2013.

A spokesDog for the CAA said the Association’s renewed efforts will include multimedia coverage featuring well-known Park sports figures as well as celebrities such as Bisbee Bichon and I.S. Chow, stars of Varden Spaniel’s 2009 film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed.

“This will be an all-out sensory assault,” said the spokesDog, who confirmed that radio spots had been scheduled on all Park radio stations, public service announcements will be broadcast on all television stations and advertisements will run in most of The Park’s print media.

“We’ve even commissioned a new scent, ‘Soggy Dog’, which will be available for purchase exclusively at the Reek-O-Rama beginning in September,” he said. Proceeds from the scent will go to supporting Canine athletes who are currently training to swim in the Dog paddle competition at the 2013 Summer Games.

“That’s how sure we are that we will be successful this time around,” said the spokesDog.

The Canine Athletic Association launched its first Dog paddle campaign two years before the 2008 (26 AZ) Interspecial Summer Games. That campaign, however, was not successful.

The 2013 Interspecial Summer Games will take place during the last two weeks of September 2013.

OTD in 2012—Banking scandal prompts special meeting of Archons

By

A special meeting of the Archons has been called to discuss the activities of some of The Park’s banks.

An investigation that revealed significant irregularities in The Park’s banking system has prompted a special meeting of the Archons this afternoon.

According to Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, the purpose of the meeting is to discuss the implications of the results of an investigation conducted by The Park Finance Office (PFO) into the internal activities of several of The Park’s major banks.

Files obtained by The Mammalian Daily indicate that the Monotreme Savings Bank (MSB), the Arthropod Commercial Bank (ACB) and the Founding Families Financial Corporation (FFFC) are alleged to have engaged in a system of internal lending that violates the PFO’s rules of conduct and puts the value of some customer deposits at risk.

At a press conference held early this morning, Alouatta refused to comment on rumours that the three banks have been lending funds to each other in one curency only: Ftoo.

If the rumour is true, say financial experts, it could have a major effect on financial institutions and on life in general for residents of The Park.

“If that is what they are doing, then they effectively have established an official currency in The Park and exchanged funds accordingly,” says Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners and author of Tools for Trade: Ten Strategies for Expanding The Park’s Economy.

The Park does not currently have an official currency and the establishment of one in law would require the usual unanimous agreement of the Archons.

“If these rumours are true,” says Sierpinski, “it means the banks, essentially, have usurped the power of the Archons and assumed the role of government. That would be a very serious and dangerous situation for us to find ourselves in,” he says.

OTD in 2014—Park ART Walk 2014 to highlight creative work of Park’s refugees

By

PAW logoThe 2014 Park ART Walk will highlight the artistic endeavours of The Park’s refugees, it was announced today.

In a joint statement released this morning, the organizers of the Park ART Walk (PAW), The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art, the Marine Mammal Bank of The Park, and the Sapsucker Savings and Loan Corporation, confirmed the theme of The Park’s 8th annual Park ART Walk.

“We are extremely pleased that we have been able to work together to bring refugee art into focus at the 2014 Park ART Walk,” the statement began.

“The Park is extremely proud of its refugees and we want to shine a light on the ways in which they have enriched our lives. These are Animals who have suffered greatly and have survived; they have lived to tell the tale and to rebuild their lives in The Park. Their resilience is and will continue to be an inspiration to all of us,” the statement concluded.

Underwritten in part by Sapsucker Savings and Loan, The Park-wide exhibition will be entitled, “From Fear to Freedom.”

This is the third time in its history that the Park ART Walk has had a distinct theme. Last year, PAW honoured The Park’s autochthonous artists in the exhibition, “From the Ground Up.” In 2012, thanks to a one-time gift from The Archons’ Initiative Fund, the event showcased art as it related to the theme, “INtegration through ART.” The stated goal of that themed exhibition was to “encourage Animals to learn more about species other than their own, so that we can understand our differences and our similarities.”

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. The 8th annual Park ART Walk will take place on Saturday, August 16, 2014 between the hours of 10:00 am and 7:00 pm. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Kipos Gallery.

OTD in 2015—DWBS issues warning to Animals regarding Humans vacationing in Park

By

DWBS capture warning

Don’t get caught this Summer! Stay clear of Humans vacationing in The Park

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its first-ever Summer security alert.

In a communiqué released this morning, the DWBS informs Animals of the increased risk of capture by Humans vacationing in The Park this Summer.

“We have estimated the level of risk to be high to very high for the Summer of 2015,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo says in the communiqué.

“Due to recent economic challenges in the Human world, many have chosen to spend their vacations close to home. This means that we can expect to see an increase in the number of Humans vacationing in The Park during the month of August. Although this is beneficial to The Park’s economy, it can also present problems. For this reason, we advise Park Animals to be alert at all times when dealing with Humans,” the communiqué warns.

Kakapo says the alert applies to all Park Animals, including those in the tourist industry, business owners, restaurateurs, groomers, artists, and musicians.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during vacations and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” Kakapo says.

There are, however, a number of precautionary measures that Animals can take in order to keep themselves safe and free from capture. These include dealing with Humans in a “professional” manner, refraining from befriending Human children, refusing all invitations to enter vehicles, especially large ones such as vans and SUVs, and refusing any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Remember,” Kakapo says, “Humans may not mean to do harm but neither do they have your best interests at heart.”

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

OTD in 2011—Gianfranco Colocolo novel to become feature film

By

The popular Park mystery novel, Murder at the Fishbowl, is to become a feature film, according to the book’s publisher.

Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, S.A. confirmed in an email this morning that Bitter Litter Pictures has purchased the film rights from the book’s author.  No other details have been revealed.

The novel, which debuted at The Park’s Feline Fiction Fest in 25 AZ (2007), is scheduled to be released in softshell by the publisher in September.

OTD in 0214—Grooming house stampede “logical outcome” of changing times: PASS

By

tallulahstoilettage

PASS says the stampede was a logical outcome of changing times

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) released its report today on the May 31 stampede at Tallulah’s Toilettage.

The report chronicles the events before and after the stampede occurred. It also offers a list of recommendations that are the result of a series of meetings held by Association members in the wake of the tragedy that injured 68 Animals and resulted in the arrest of 35 others.

At a public event held this afternoon, owners of some of The Park’s grooming houses spoke candidly to attendees about their findings.

Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, said she wasn’t surprised by the May stampede; indeed, she had predicted such a thing would happen eventually.

“Times have changed in so many ways,” she explained.

“In the old days, we all did our own grooming, we procured our own food and we built our own dwellings. Now, we look to others to do those things for us. It’s part of a major shift in Animal life and so, unfortunately, was the stampede. Park life is not as it once was and we must learn to adapt to that reality,” Poedel  said.

Poedel also cited the added stress of the moulting season and what she called “a growing jealousy in certain species” as contributing factors.

Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the stampede occurred, said a shortage of workers skilled in proper grooming techniques was partly to blame for the incident.

“Most owners dream of having their businesses grow by leaps and bounds. But we have been overrun [by customers]. The need for grooming services in The Park has grown beyond our collective ability to fulfill it. And, as a result, some species feel hard done by, especially when their appointments have been put off for a day or two. When their anger comes to a head, that’s when we see this kind of behaviour,” she said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

August 2026
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31