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Archives for September 2023

On This Day—September 12, 2016: The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

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Beats of Burden logo“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.

“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”

The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.

“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.

As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.

But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.

Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.

As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.

“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.

This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.

Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.

As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.

With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

On This Day—September 11, 2015: Zorro sentence: One month in jail, five years of repayment to community

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Raimundo ZorroBREAKING NEWS

Seated beside his lawyer Pernilla Varghund, Raimundo Zorro showed no emotion this afternoon as he awaited the arrival of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. And although he respectfully stood when the Superior Court justice finally entered the courtroom, he said only one word during the entire thirty-minute process.

Before announcing his sentencing decision, the justice asked Zorro, whom he found guilty in late August of inciting hate by hosting the SplotchWatch web site, whether he had had any change of heart since he was charged last April.

Zorro stood again and whispered, “Yes,” but did not elaborate any further.

In his preamble to the sentencing, Justice Dindon reiterated his horror at what Zorro had done and the potential it had to undo the many years of work that had led to zoocracy.

“You are not sufficiently young to be ignorant of the consequences of what you were doing,” the justice said.

“Nor are you sufficiently old to have done it with a view to undermining our system of government or the peace and prosperity that we cherish in The Park. I am forced, therefore, to conclude that you, sir, acted with malicious intent only toward a group of Animals that, as far as I can tell, has never done you any harm.”

For this reason, the justice said, he deliberated for a long time, seeking to find a sentence that would encourage Zorro to reconsider his views as well as allow him to “redeem himself” in the eyes of the community that he harmed.

The full sentence handed down by Mr. Justice Dindon is as follows:

  • one month of incarceration beginning today (September 11, 2015)
  • a full five years of volunteership on a rotating basis: one month at a time at each of The Park’s charities, with double the amount of time spent at charities that promote the equality of striped and spotted Animals
  • five years of supervision by court-appointed staff

In addition, Zorro is prohibited from hosting any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.

When the justice had concluded, Zorro said nothing and was removed from the courtroom by staff and led to the Park jail, where he will spend the first month of his sentence.

On This Day—September 10, 2016: WINK: Most controversial opening film ever for PIFF 2016

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalIf controversy is a predictor of success, then award-winning director G.D Zebra’s WINK is set to be the most successful opening film ever at The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot announced the opening choice this morning at a press conference outside the Park Cinema. It didn’t take long for the hoots and howls to begin.

Flanked by the film’s director and one of its stars, Willem Leopard, Ocelot fielded questions from Park media while she ducked stones, sticks, and balls of mud. It is not clear whether these were intended for her or for Zebra and Leopard.

The film, which was produced by Kevin Kodkod (of Black Cats Can’t Jump fame), follows a group of striped and spotted Animals for a period of three years—before, during, and after they have their stripes and spots removed. The film records for “posterity and illumination” the group’s experiences, feelings, and fears—both as Animals of pattern and then as solid-coloureds.

Included in the film are interviews with popular Park musician and anti-stripe-removalist ZEAL, anti-sortitionist and self-described “naturalist,” director Douglas Cheetah, and SCENTIENT Beings composer and father of Reekabilly music Faramund Stinktier, who announced his transition to a Zebra last year.

Ocelot said the October 1 gala screening would be the film’s début.

“There be no sneak preview or even a trailer release,” she said.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) runs from 1-5 October 2016.

On This Day—September 9, 2014: Data Tree hacking: Police issue update

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tree hacked

At a press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued an update on the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Addax confirmed that data Retrievers working for the private firm AROO had recovered enough data to confirm that Humans were involved in the hacking.

“The data, in combination with the debris that was recovered from the site by my team, confirm beyond any doubt that Humans were the perpetrators of the crime,” the ASIS head told reporters.

Also in attendance at the press event was Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The Squirrel’s firm stored most of their data in the Tree, which is believed to be more than 70 years old.

“They [the data Retrievers] were able to retrieve much of our client data and for that we are extremely grateful, but this has been a very challenging few months for us and for our customers,” the Squirrel said after the press conference.

When asked whether the investigation was now considered closed, Addax admitted that options were limited, but denied that Police had formally closed the investigation.

“No, we consider the investigation to still be open, but the sad fact is that we have no control over Humans. We cannot prosecute them, either inside or outside The Park and we cannot recover damages from them. Our only options are to try and prevent such things from happening again and to that end, we are working to develop new security policies. The investigation will remain open until we have these policies in place,” he said.

On This Day—September 8, 2014: The Does of Peace: typo in job ad nets Park Police new peacekeeping group

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Does of Peace

First it was the missing letter in “Beasts” that turned the annual charity music festival into the “Beats of Burden.”

Now a typo in the recruitment announcement sent out by the Doves of Peace has gifted the Doves and Park Police with a “welcome addition”: a brand new group of peacekeepers called the Does of Peace.

At a press event this morning, representatives of the Police and the Doves announced the formation of this new group.

“This is another case of serendipity,” said Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub.

“The Does of Peace, whom we hired during our recruitment weekend, are a most welcome addition to our peacekeeping force.”

No one doubts they are welcome now, but that wasn’t quite the case during the last weekend of August.

When Park Police’s wholly autonomous peacekeeping group put out a call for prospective hirees to join the Doves of Peace, the announcement read, instead, “Does of Peace.”

But it seemed that no one noticed, save for the female Deer who swarmed the Ancient Open-Air Theatre in search of employment.

“They arrived with some of the most impressive résumés we’ve ever seen, and a great deal of experience in peacekeeping, both in the outside world and in The Park,” Golub said.

At a loss for what to do, Golub arranged for interviewers to talk to the Does and explain the mix-up.

“But what I noticed, as we turned them away…they weren’t angry. They seemed understanding. Disappointed, but understanding. And, I thought, ‘why am I turning away some of the best peacekeepers I’ve ever met?'”

So, after extensive consultation with Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, the decision was made to form an adjunct group to help keep peace in The Park.

In addition to their regular duties, Golub says, the Does will take over from the Doves during migration season.

“It works perfectly with our schedule and now that we’ve done it, I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.”

And, fittingly, the Does of Peace will make their first professional appearance this coming weekend, at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

On This Day—September 7, 2015: Park innovators to watch: Bulb Beacon

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Bulb Beacon 2 (1)


Last in a series

Just in time for the Fall planting season, SINCAP Technologies has finally released its much anticipated challenger to GVC De-Techt’s TulipTracker: Bulb Beacon.

More than a decade in the making, according to company president Peppi Orava, this latest app promises to be everything Animals have ever wanted in a bulb detection system.

“We may not have been the first out of the gate, but we’re by far the best,” Orava said in a pre-launch interview last week. “We will be the go-to app for bulbs of every sort in a matter of weeks.”

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, agrees.

“High tech of this sort isn’t just about invention,” she says matter-of-factly. “It’s about communication and paying attention, in every sense of the word.”

Over the past decade and a half, that’s just what SINCAP has been doing: paying close attention to what Animals have been asking for. This year, they were finally able to offer it—all of it— and wrap it up in a very neat and easy-to-use package.

“We’ve known for years how to detect flower bulbs and we know how to alert Animals to danger. But before Bulb Beacon, no company had put those two things together. That’s what they’ve been working on for so long and now they can offer it to Park residents at a reasonable cost,” Tapir says.

Without giving away any details of the company’s proprietary technology, SINCAP’s Orava rhymes off the app’s unique features, all of which are very impressive. But one of them stands out for her.

“Yes, Bulb Beacon will find every bulb in the area within a few minutes. But our unique silent alarm system will also keep you safe,” she says proudly.

That safety feature is what makes Bulb Beacon shine above all the other bulb detection apps, says TikTekTok’s Tapir.

“If your app does only one thing…such as finding flowers, that’s good. But these days, that’s not good enough. Safety has become a major issue in every part of our lives but perhaps nowhere is it more important to us than when we are out on food-finding missions. SINCAP has found itself in the right place at the right time with this one,” she says.

On This Day—September 7, 2012: Specist signs appear on Park fences

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Park Police today initiated a house-to-house search for the “pawpetrator” of one of The Park’s most heinous crimes: the posting of specist signs on the northwest side of the fence. The signs, which bear the message, “No Dogs Allowed,” were discovered early yesterday morning by Winifred D. Raccoon, as she made her way along the fence, en route to her job as manager of the popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed rumours that the signs were “paw-painted” and fastened “unprofessionally” to the fence. The signs have been sent to the forensics laboratory for pawprint testing and for other tests that might help identify the origin of the paint and poster board. Results of that testing will be made available within a few days, he said.

In another shocking revelation, Chief Inspector Addax confirmed that a second set of signs page1image18240had been discovered. These signs, which prominently display a Dog whose body has been marked with an “X,” were discovered on a series of posts a few feet from the original site. No lettering appears on these signs but, said C.I. Addax, “there is evidence that these signs were produced professionally, probably at one of a number of print shops that we know to exist outside The Park.”

Also fielding questions at the press conference was Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the newly-formed Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU). The unit, which is an independent division of the SHCU, has as its mandate the investigation into “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”

Inspector Fossa implored the public to “remain calm and optimistic” in the face of this latest incident.

“We know that tensions are running high [in The Park] at the moment, but we encourage you to remain calm and optimistic that the pawpetrator of this crime will be apprehended and brought to justice in due course.”

In addition, she stressed that, “Nothing is to be gained by jumping to conclusions regarding the species or identity of the said pawpetrator.”

In his concluding remarks to the press, C.I. Addax announced that the SHCU had appointed Lamia Bonobo to act as official liaison between the police units and Park residents.

“We believe that the appointment of Mr. Bonobo will relieve some of the anxiety of the local populace and, at the same time, facilitate the free flow of information,” he said.

This article originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily.

On This Day—September 6, 2014: SCENTient Beings to debut “reekabilly” at 2014 Beats of Burden Music Festival

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SCENTient

The popular Park duo SCENTient Beings will debut their new musical style, reekabilly, next month at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

According to their publicist Hartwig Stinktier, the SCENTients took themselves off the stage last year after coming to the realization that their music required a “complete redo.”

The pair, who released their first recording, Beings and Nuttiness, two years ago got their first big break when the organizers of the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee booked them in 2012 .

“Their careers took off from there,” Stinktier says, “but they were never completely happy with what they were doing. They never felt their style really suited them.”

Enter Damien Skyle, best known as the manager of The Cynics. He convinced the duo to try out a number of different musical styles, including rap, but nothing felt quite right to them until they decided to fuse country music with “parts of their essential selves.”

“When I first heard it, it made me swoon,” Skyle writes on their newest recording. “It was fresh and it was organic, with just a tinge of melancholy. It was so right.”

Stinktier says the pair is “psyched” about debuting their new music at the Beats of Burden festival, since the proceeds go to assisting The Park’s refugee population.

“Their ancestors were refugees and they were treated unkindly by many,” says Stinktier. “The SCENTients have never forgotten that.”

Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park
12-14 September 2014.

On This Day—September 5, 2015: UWT Art Gallery, Park Museum vie for art of endangered species

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Underwater Mammal ArtThe soon to be opened new art gallery at the University of West Terrier is engaged in a battle with the Park Museum for the opportunity to house and display a selection of works by members of The Park’s endangered species.

Although some of the pieces in question formed part of the 2015 Park ART Walk in August, most of the artists whose works were displayed have to date refused invitations from The Park’s art galleries in favour of private showings, most often at their own abodes.

“Obviously, this would be a real coup for us, but that is by no means the only reason we want to house the art,” said Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the President of the University, in an interview on TMD Radio yesterday.

“As an educational institution, we feel we are the appropriate place for this art and that’s why we are engaged in this battle. But, I must say, we didn’t think we would have to fight at all, let alone this hard,” he said.

For its part, The Park Museum maintains that its mission is to house as much as it can that is representative of life in The Park.

“That means, past, present and even future,” says curator Dorika Pumi, who failed in her attempts as curator of the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) to attract artists who were members of endangered species.

And although Pumi contends that this “isn’t personal at all,” many in The Park’s art world believe otherwise.

“I don’t blame her for trying to redeem herself, but I don’t think she should do it on the backs of endangered artists,” says Anastazja Koci, an alumna of the Hani Gajah School of Art. Koci, who was shortlisted for the position of curator at the UWT art gallery, says she was taught by Pumi and maintains the utmost respect for her.

“But I think she’s pushing too hard on this,” she says.

On This Day–September 4, 2014: Hibernation and estivation benefit the economy in many ways: PASS

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Economy going upHibernation and estivation are good for The Park’s economy, according to a report released today by the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

PASS released the report less than two weeks before our estivating population is scheduled to return to full participation in Park life.

“The timing is not insignificant,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Association.

“They’re a beleaguered bunch [estivators] and we thought we could use the findings in this report to offer them a proper welcome back to life.”

Whistlepig, who is himself a hibernator, said the last few years have been difficult for Park Animals who hibernate or estivate.

“We and our way of life have been under siege for a number of years, ever since the economic downturn, in fact,” he says. “There seems to be less tolerance these days for the differences among us.”

That was the one of the main reasons that PASS decided to commission a report on the subject.

“Some of our numbers were used in another report that was released in the Spring. It showed some gains in the fourth quarter of 2013 which were attributed to the delay in the official hibernation date and that led to the conclusion that hibernation was a drag on the economy.

As Association president, I felt that our numbers had been misconstrued, so I asked for a full accounting from our members. They were very enthusiastic in their agreement to participate,” he says.

Whistlepig says the new report, which analyzes figures from 2008-2013, demonstrates definitively that hibernation benefits The Park’s economy.

“First of all, it creates jobs on a regular basis. Every job a hibernator or estimator holds has two Animals performing it,” Whistlepig says.

“Now, to those who consider that a drag on the economy, we say ‘think again.’ That’s two Animals who have currency to spend in our shops and for our services. And one of those two Animals needs to prepare for say, hibernation, before and after. Those are purchases that wouldn’t be made, otherwise. There are shops that cater to hibernators and estivators and they wouldn’t exist without those customers,” he contends.

Whistlepig says our hibernating and estivating citizens should be seen for what they are: a stimulating presence, both economically and culturally.

“We hope this report puts this foolishness to rest,” he says.

The Association’s full report will be made available to the public next week.

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