Archives for July 2017

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 21 July 2011

The Insect Intelligencer has confirmed that reporter, ZeeZee Legy, has been held for questioning outside The Park in connection with the death of a Human late last night. The dead Human, whose name has not yet been released by law enforcement, was one of two who suffered injuries last week.  The other was released from hospital three days ago.

In a statement released early this morning, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed her deepest sympathies for the family of the fallen Human and pledged the paper’s “full cooperation” in any investigation into the circumstances surrounding his death.

Reports claim that the two Humans fell ill suddenly outside their homes and were rushed to hospital.  Witnesses at the scene told police that five of the Intelligencer’s reporters were “hovering around” at the time and that at least two of them “had their probosces resting” on the Humans’ arms.

The five reporters fled the scene but were arrested inside The Park within hours of their return.  Only Legy remained outside The Park, where it was reported he had been visiting family while on vacation from the newspaper.

Legy, along with the other five reporters, work exclusively on the Intelligencer’s daily Fly on the Wall feature.  After the arrest of the five reporters, the newspaper’s publishers made the decision to cease publication temporarily.  The reporters were to have been formally charged on July 18, but a backlog in The Park’s court system has caused a delay in the matter.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 3 October 2014

The Dog Paddle

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Starring Manwel Kelb, Eamon Madra and Vicente Perro. Directed by Sofia Koira. First screening: October 2; repeat screening October 4 at the Park Cinema. 72 minutes.

The Dog Paddle, which stars two of The Park’s best known Canine comedic actors (Kelb and Madra) as well as newcomer Vicente Perro, hinges on a familiar Park issue: two rival Canine swimmers are vying for the opportunity to compete in the first-ever Dog paddle event of the Interspecial Summer Games. After the qualifying final is cancelled due to a vicious storm, the athletes are told that both their names have been entered in the “big race.” What Kelb and Madra’s characters realize too late is that the big race they’ve been entered in is a different kind of Dog paddle race: one that involves two Dogs, two paddles, and a canoe.

The reaction of the two characters to the news that they must cooperate with each other rather than compete (and do so in a canoe) nets us some priceless physical comedy — the sort that both actors are famous for.

But it’s what happens next that elevates The Dog Paddle to comedic art: the film slows down just long enough to allow us to see both Dogs in a different light. In this case, it’s the twilight before the big race, when they finally decide they’d better talk strategy if they’re going to have any chance at all of winning.

In the hands of another director, this scene might have turned the film into a tragicomedy. But in the hands of the skilled and savvy Sofia Koira, who is quite a hoot herself, the poignancy becomes so off-balance that it rights the canoe and steers the rest of the film to its conclusion, which I won’t spoil for you here.

Who would have thought that a send-up of the Canine Athletic Association’s bid to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive swimming stroke could be so funny? Certainly not this critic, but the surprise was well worth the humility with which I will be forced to live for some time.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 27 April 2013

The Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life has confirmed the discovery of an ancient shedding song. The lyrics of the song were inscribed on a stone tablet that was found near The Park’s Wishing Well during a routine dig last Summer.

At a press conference held this afternoon on the grounds of the Institute, ISML Chief Archaeologist Catriona Cairn-Terrier characterized the find as “significant” and described the tablet as “basically in good shape, with a few breaks here and there at the ends, but nothing that prevented us from reading the letters on it.”

She credited a team of musicologists from the University of West Terrier’s Zedrich School of Music with helping the Institute’s staff determine the nature and meaning of the inscription on the stone.

“We knew from the way the words were arranged that it was some type of poem or poetic structure, but it wasn’t until we worked with the musicologists that we were able to comprehend its true essence,” she said.

According to Cairn-Terrier, shedding songs (as well as molting songs) were a popular genre many thousands of years ago.

“They celebrate the natural order of things…moving from one season to another…and especially the rebirth that occurs in the Spring,” she said.

The language of the inscription found on the tablet is known as “Mammalian XII,” an ancient language that is related to Mammalian VII and, according to archaeologists, one that was in use during the Hairy Mammal Era (HME). And although the entire song has yet to be transcribed, Cairn-Terrier offered up what she believes is the song’s chorus:

Spring is sprung!
The winter’s done!
The sun’s come out to play!
Let’s shed the old,
Don something bold – 
For summer’s on its way! 

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 11 February 2013

Bowing to pressure from the Park Historical Society, the 2013 Archons announced today that their first official act as The Park’s governing body will be the establishment of a registry of Animals whose departure from The Park was “caused by either death or desire”.

At a press conference held this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said the “Long Gone Registry” was deemed essential by all parties concerned “so that we can have truly accurate population and participation records for The Park.”

“All organized societies require accurate records so that they can both learn from the past and look to the future,” Alouatta said, quoting from a statement issued earlier by the Archons.

According to Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, who advised the Archons as they drafted legislation to establish the registry, no formal records exist of or about departed Park citizens or residents.

“We don’t know who left or why they left, or even when they left. We have not kept those kinds of [exit] records, as we should have done. All we have to go on are published death announcements, family notices, citations from educational institutions, or hospital and physicians’ notes. We have no formal records regarding mobility or participation. This leaves a huge hole in our knowledge of life in The Park. There are, undoubtedly, many Animals who contributed to our life here and who form part of our history, but we know nothing about them,” he said.

The registry, which was established to rectify this situation, will of necessity rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and family lore, Alouatta said. For this reason, the Archons have engaged the services of faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s Department of History, as well as members of the Park Historical Society, in gathering the information required from The Park’s resident Animals.

The registry, which will fall under the jurisdiction of The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, will begin data intake in the Spring, Alouatta said.